We’d have been barking mad not to retrieve these funny Labrador jokes and puns for you, so paws for a moment to enjoy them!
Funny Labrador Jokes
What do you do call a Labrador that becomes a magician?
My friend was thinking of getting a Labrador.
I had to talk him out of it: “Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?!?”
A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian.
They’re immediately taken back to a room.
Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves.
Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves.
Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.
“This must be a mistake,” the man says. “I’ve been here only 20 minutes!”
“No mistake,” the doctor says. “It’s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.”
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana, and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: “Talking Dog For Sale”.
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so… I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running… But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar. He’s never been out of the yard.”
Some guy who wasn’t looking where he was going hit me with a stick today.
So I beat him up.
And for good measure I kicked his Labrador too.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel, and a Labrador?
A hot diggity dog.
Did you guys hear about the labrador who left her puppies in the street?
She was fined for littering.
I found my dog had a stash of stolen goods inside his kennel.
I think he might be a Labrador Receiver.
I saw a picture of a Labrador with an iPhone up to its ear.
Now that’s doggone phoney.
I tried to teach my Labrador to write poetry.
But he’s not very good at it, it’s more like doggerel.
A man walks into a bar with a Labrador and takes a seat.
The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here!”
The man doesn’t miss a beat and replies, “Excuse me, this is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bartender apologises profusely and says, “Here, the first one’s on me.”
The man walks over and takes a seat near the door.
Soon, another man walks in with a Chihuahua.
The first man says, “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.”
The second man thanks him and heads over to the bar.
The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here!”
The second man says, “It’s my seeing-eye dog.”
The bartender scowls and says, “I do not believe they give Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.”
The second man says, “They gave me a Chihuahua?!?!?”
Three dogs, a German Shepherd, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s office when they strike up a conversation.
The German Shepherd turns to the Boxer and says, “So why are you here?”
“I’m a pee-er,” the Boxer replies, “I pee on everything – the sofa, the cat, the kid. But the final straw was last night, when I peed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”
“So what is the vet going to do?” the Doberman asks.
“Lethal injection” came the sad reply from the Boxer.
The German Shepherd then turns to the Labrador and asks, “Why are you here?”
“I’m a digger,” said the Labrador. “I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner’s couch.”
“So what are they going to do to you?” the German Shepherd inquired.
“Lethal injection,” the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then asks the German Shepherd why he’s at the vet’s office..
“I’m a humper,” the German Shepherd says. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump – everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.”
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, “So, lethal injection for you too, huh?”
“No, no,” the German Shepherd says, “I’m here to get my nails clipped.”
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’.
“His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.”
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the policeman said, “Watch this.”
He told Sniffer to “search”.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.
The policeman said, “Good boy”, and he turned to the man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”
“Gee, that’s pretty good,” replied the first man.
Once again, the policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.
The policeman said, “Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”
“I like it!” said his seat mate.
The policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man was disgusted by this behaviour and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that so he asked the policeman, “What’s going on?”
The policeman nervously replied, “He’s just found a bomb.”