We’ve thoroughly vetted these vet jokes and puns to make sure they’re funny enough for you! That’s because we like to treat you to the best jokes around!
Funny Vet Jokes
A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog.
After he climbed out, he said, “Here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine.”
I asked him, “Are you a vet?”
He said, “Vet? I’m soaking.”
I took my cat to the vet today.
He was not feline well.
A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet.
“My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” the vet says. “Let’s have a look at him.”
The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes.
After a few seconds he says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.”
The shocked owner replies, “What?! Because he’s cross-eyed?!”
“No, because he’s heavy.”
I went to the vet today and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
My female cat just got fixed, but the vet insisted on referring to it as “feline ovarian removal”.
Look, sometimes you have to call a spayed a spayed.
A gardener took his dog to the vet.
“He’s been acting real depressed,” explained the gardener. “He just lays in the garden day after day, letting out these really sad sighs.”
“I see,” replied the vet. “What do you grow?”
“This season it’s cantaloupe, but I don’t see how that’s relevant.”
The vet nodded knowingly and replied, “Well, that explains it – he’s a melon Collie.”
Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.
The vet said, “I have good news and bad news.”
What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal?
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.
“$150!” she cried. “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
My dog ate a string of Christmas lights, but the vet was able to remove them.
My dog was delighted.
As I was leaving the vet’s office, he said “Here’s the bill.”
“Sorry, that we were unable to reattach it to your duck.”
My wife threatened to leave me unless I take my iguana to the vet.
She says I have a reptile dysfunction.
I drove my daughter’s hamster to the vet this morning.
I’m getting rather good at golf.
A cat walks into a veterinarian’s office.
The vet says, “What seems to be the problem?”
The cat says, “Meow.”
The vet says, “Okay, where?”
I took my goldfish to the vet.
I said, “He’s having seizures.”
The vet responded, “He looks fine to me.”
“Sure,” I said. “But wait until I get him out of the bowl.”
Why did the vet turn away the injured sea animal?
Do not accept if seal is broken.
Where does a vet who specializes in neutering live?
I ran into the vets this morning and said to the blonde receptionist, “Quick, I think my daughters hamster is in serious trouble.”
“Hamster?” she laughed. “That’s a snake.”
What did the vet give to the snake with allergies?
(At the vet): “Doctor, my two pet birds seemed to be stuck together. What is going on?”
Vet: I have no idea. It’s toucan fusing.
The vet told me to open my mouth wide and say, “Ahhhhh.”
I said, “Why?”
He said, “Because your dog just died.”
Why is there no new guy at the animal doctor’s office?
Because they’re all vets.
What did the vet say when they saw a sheep with bad hygiene?
My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.
His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money.
His new slogan was: “No Matter What Happens – You Get Your Cat Back.”
I have a horse that’s really asthmatic and I’m scared it may not make it.
The vet prescribed some bronco-die-laters.
My dog’s tail fell off and I am not sure why.
Waiting on the vet to give me a de-tailed report.
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a vet?
Ask them to say lead.
First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.”
“The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal’s body.”
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”
Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet’s waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other, “What are you in for?”
“Oh,” says the Doberman. “I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn’t take it any further. So that’s what I’m in for. How about you?”
“Oh,” says the German Shepherd, “my owner was cleaning the kitchen floor in her bathrobe, and while she was reaching for something under the fridge, her bathrobe fell off, and she looked and smelled so good that I mounted her then and there.”
“Oh,” says the Doberman. “So you’re in to be castrated as well?”
“No,” says the German Shepherd. “Just to get my claws clipped.”