Out of all the various animal jokes, we think cat jokes and puns are just purr-fect!
Seriously, we’re not kitten you. We love them and think you will too.
So enjoy this collection of claw-somely a-mew-sing cat puns and jokes.
1. I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
2. Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
3. Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
4. My cat swallowed a duck today.
You could say he’s a duck-filled fatty puss.
5. Did you hear about the cat who ate a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.
6. Where does a cat go when they lose their tail?
The re-tail store.
7. A couple were going out for the evening. They got ready – showered, all dressed up, cat put out, etc.
The taxi arrived but as the couple left the house, the cat shot back in. They didn’t want the cat shut in the house on it’s own while they were out, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went back inside and followed the cat upstairs to chase it out.
The wife didn’t want the taxi driver to know the house would be empty so she told him, “My husband’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband came out and got into the cab saying, “Sorry I took so long, the stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out.”
8. My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
9. What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
10. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
11. What do cats eat on hot days?
12. A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence one evening.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, “I’d die for you!”
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, “How many times?”
13. What’s a cat’s favorite song?
Three Blind Mice.
14. Did you hear about the cat who joined the Red Cross?
She became a first aid kit.
15. What happened when the cat went to the flea circus?
They stole the whole show.
16. What do you call the cat police?
17. What do cats eat for breakfast?
18. What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
19. What do you call a confused cat?
20. What’s a cat’s favorite TV show?
The evening mews.
21. What does a cat do when it gets mad?
It has a hissy fit.
22. What do cats wear to smell good?
23. I think my cat has eaten a duckling.
I can tell by their down-in-the-mouth look.
24. What do you get if you cross a hungry cat and a canary?
A cat that isn’t hungry anymore.
25. What’s a cat’s favorite movie?
The Sound of Mew-sic.
26. What kind of cats like to go bowling?
27. How do cats do their shopping.
They use a cat-alogue.
28. Why did the cat sell its house?
Because the neighborhood had gone to the dogs.
29. What do you call a pile of kittens?
30. What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show?
31. What’s a cat’s favorite magazine?
32. How many cats can you put in an empty box?
One. After that, the box isn’t empty.
33. What looks like half a cat?
The other half.
34. What do you call a cat who always gets what they want?
35. What’s a cat’s favorite color?
36. What do cats use to make coffee?
37. There were 9 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?
None, because they were all copycats.
38. What’s a cat’s favorite book?
The Prince and the Paw-Purr.
39. What do you call a frightened kitten?
40. Why did the cat sit on the computer?
To keep an eye on the mouse.
41. What do cats wear to bed at night?
42. What’s a cat’s favorite athletic event?
43. What’s a cat’s favorite kitchen implement?
44. Wanna hear a cat joke?
Naw, I’m just kitten.
45. Never try to baptize a cat.
46. Little eight year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole.
Her neighbor Mr. Jones peeks over the fence and says, “Gee Susie, what’s going on?”
Susie says, “I’m digging a hole, it’s pretty obvious.”
Mr. Johnson asks, “Why are you digging a hole?”
Susie replies, “I’m burying my gold fish.”
Mr Johnson laughs and asks, “Why is the hole so big?”
Susie replies, “Because my goldfish is inside your cat”.
47. A guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too.
The guy says to the bartender, “Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here? My TV at home is broke, and my cat and I always watch the game together.”
The bartender replies, “Normally, cats wouldn’t be allowed in the bar, but it’s not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there’s any trouble with you or the cat, I’ll have to ask you to leave”
The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game. Pretty soon the Browns kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.
The bartender says, “Hey, that’s pretty cool! What does he do for a touchdown?”
The guys answers, “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for 2 years.”
48. Schrodinger’s Cat recently went on a crime spree.
He’s wanted dead and alive.
49. A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars.
Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.
50. I just gave my cat some 7UP.
Now he’s got 16 lives.
51. How do you find out the gender of a cat?
Easy. You kick it in the ass.
If she runs away, it’s a girl. But if he runs away, it’s a boy.
52. One day in school, the teacher says to Johnny, “If I gave you two cats and another two cats and then another two, how many would you have?”
Little Johnny replies, “Seven.”
The teacher says, “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Again, Johnny answers, “Seven.”
The teacher, getting exasperated, says, “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny says, “Six.”
The teacher says, “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny again answers, “Seven!”
The teacher says, “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?”
Johnny replies, “Because I’ve already got a cat!”
53. A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.
The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.
Her husband said bluntly, “The cat died.”
The woman burst into tears and said angrily, “How could you be so blunt? Why couldn’t you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing.”
The next day she called her husband again and asked, “How is my mom?”
Her husband said, “She’s playing on the roof.”
54. A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse.
After some weeks of psychiatric counselling he is finally healed and has learned that he isn’t a mouse after all.
As the man walks out of the psychiatrist’s office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist screaming, “I’m scared! There’s a cat on the street!”
The psychiatrist replies, “I thought you know now, that you are not a mouse.”
The man answers, “Yes, I know that, but does the cat?”
55. My cat got stolen.
I think she was taken by a purr snatcher.
56. I used to work at a cat shelter but I had to quit.
They reduced meowers.
57. Dogs can’t operate MRI machines.
58. What do you call a cat that was caught by the police?
59. Why was the cat so grouchy?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
60. A cat walks into a bar.
The bartender asks the cat, “What’ll you have?”
The cat says, “A shot of rum.”
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table and says, “Another.”