We’re not trying to stirrup trouble, but we reckon these are the best horse jokes and puns you’ll find. If you don’t think so, you won’t disagree furlong once you run them pasture eyes. That’s because there’s no night-mare jokes here. No, not a single tail of whoa; only the most hilarious horse jokes you could wish for.
So enjoy this collection of funny horse jokes. And if you do, be sure to take a look at the rest of our animal jokes too.
Funny Horse Jokes & Puns
What do you call an explosive horse?
I have a horse named Mayo.
Do you know why the horse stalls at a racetrack are labelled A, B, D, E, and F?
Because no one would bet on a seahorse.
An inflatable jockey was riding an inflatable horse for an inflatable trainer and an inflatable owner. It was his first time over the jumps.
After the last fence he was leading easily but he pulled up way too early allowing two other horses to pass him.
After the race the jockey was so mad with what he’d done, that he stuck a pin in the horse, then he stuck a pin in the trainer and then the owner.
Because of this he was called in front of the Stewards.
When he was facing them, he stuck a pin in himself.
The Stewards said to him, “You’re a disgrace. Not only did you let the horse, the trainer and the owner down, you have let yourself down too.”
What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
A horse limps into a bar one day. He’s got a bandage around his head and looks really ill.
He orders a glass of the most expensive champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness.
When the bartender serves them to him, he quickly downs them all.
Then he says, “You know, I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got…”
The bartender asks, “Why, what have you got?”
The horse replies, “About 2 dollars and a carrot.”
A horse walks into a bar one day.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse says, “You read my mind!”
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
What do racehorses eat?
A guy goes to the movies one night.
He’s enjoying the film when he notices a horse sitting next to him.
Somewhat surprised to say the least, he asks, “Are you a horse?”
The horse replies, “Yes.”
The guy says, “What are you doing at the movies?”
The horse says, “Well, I liked the book.”
Did you hear about the depressed horse?
He told a tale of whoa.
A guy was driving past a farm one day when he noticed a beautiful horse stood in one of the fields.
Hoping to buy the horse, the guy stopped and offered the farmer $500 for it.
The farmer said, “Sorry, he’s not for sale. He doesn’t look too good.”
The guy said, “He looks just fine. Tell you what, I’ll give you $1,000 for him.”
The farmer again said, “Sorry, he’s not for sale. He doesn’t look too good.”
The guy now really wanted the horse and so increased his offer to $1,500.
The farmer said, “Well, he doesn’t look so good but if you want him that much he’s yours.”
So the guy bought the horse and took him home.
The next day he returned to the farm, hopping mad. He shouted at the farmer, “Hey, you cheated me! You sold me a blind horse!”
The farmer calmly said, “I told you he didn’t look too good, didn’t I?”
I tried water polo the other day.
My horse drowned.
A white horse walks into a pub one day and asks the bartender for a whisky.
The bartender says: “Hey, we’ve got a whisky named after you.”
The horse replies, “What, George?”
A racehorse owner takes his best horse to the vets and waits anxiously while the vet examines him.
Once the vet has finished, the owner asks him, “Will I be able to race him again?”
The vet replies, “Of course! And you’ll probably beat him too.”
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
A jockey is riding the favorite in a big horse race one day and is well ahead of the field.
Suddenly he’s hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He somehow manages to keep control of his horse and pulls back into the lead once more, only to then be hit by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies.
Using all his ability, he manages to steer his horse back into the lead as he goes over the last fence and into the run-in.
But then he’s struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.
This time, despite all his best efforts, he can’t regain the lead and only manages to finish second.
He immediately goes to the stewards and complains that he has been seriously hampered.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
I had a bet on a horse yesterday.
It came in so late they had to pay the jockey overtime.
A guy is sat quietly reading his Sunday newspaper one day when his wife suddenly hits him over the head with a frying pan.
“What was that for?” he shouts.
His wife says, “I was just doing the laundry and I found a piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name “Marylou on it. Who the hell is she?”
The guy says, “Oh, don’t worry about that dear. Do you remember when I went to the horse racing with my friends the other week. Marylou was the name of the horse I was backing.”
Satisfied, his wife returns to the laundry but a few minutes later she comes running back into the room and hits her husband over the head with the frying pan again.
“What was that for?” he shouts.
His wife says, “Your horse just called.”
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
Black Beauty… Now there’s a dark horse.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it’s neck and neck.
Why couldn’t the pony sing?
Because he was a little horse.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, “Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?”
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, “Sorry, we’re not hiring. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The horse says, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I’ve had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong.”
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, “It’s okay, it’s nothing serious; you’re just a little horse.”
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
What’s the difference between praying in church and praying at the racetrack?
At the track you really mean it.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic toy horses stuck up his butt.
Doctors described his condition as stable.
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it’s probably more of a knight mare.
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.
The bartender says, “You’re in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?”
The horse replies, “I don’t think I am,” and vanishes from existence.
You see, the joke is about Descartes’ famous philosophy of ‘I think; therefore, I am”, but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.
100 years ago everyone owned horses and only the rich drove cars.
These days everyone drives cars and only the rich own horses.
Oh, how the stables have turned.
What did the horse say when it fell down?
“Help, I’ve fallen, and I can’t giddy up!”