These snake puns and jokes are hissterical!
You’ll laugh so much you’ll probably need an asp-rin for your headache!
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Looks like the boa cons tricked her.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
What do you give a sick snake?
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
What do you call a funny snake?
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What do you call an important English snake?
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
She said, “Just give it to him straight.”
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?”
The scout leader looks at it and says, “No, that snake’s not poisonous at all.”
So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
The scout leader says, “But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let’s get it right next time, boys.”
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff…
Baa dum tssssss.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
Two snakes are on the lawn one day, when the first one asks the other, “Are we the kind of snake that bites our prey or do we crush them?”
The second snake replies, “We crush them. Why?”
The first snake says, “Thank God for that, I’ve just bitten my lip.”
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python.
Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
A old snake goes to see his doctor and says, ” I need something for my eyes… I can’t see very well these days”.
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks.
The snake comes back in two weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
The doctor asks, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?”
The snake says, “The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”