There’s no monkey business going on here, only the funniest monkey puns and jokes!
You’d have to be bananas to give them a miss!
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver glances at the baby and with a look of disgust says, “Ugh, that’s got to be the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman angrily walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to the man next to her and says, “The bus driver just insulted me when I got on.”
The man says to her, “Don’t stand for that. You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
Two monkeys are in the bath.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold in then!”
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
What type of key opens a banana?
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
A girl asked her father one day, “Dad, how were people born?”
Her Dad replied, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The girl then went to her mother and asked, “Mom, how were people born?”
Her mother answered, “Well dear, we were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The girl ran back to her Dad and said, “You lied to me! Mom says we evolved from monkeys!”
Her father said, “No, your Mom was talking about her side of the family.”
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
A pet monkey got sick and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey’s human family, “Brains are very expensive, and you’ll have to pay the cost out of your own pocket.”
The family are upset but ask, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”
The vet replies, “For a male brain, it’s $500,000 but for a female brain it’s $200,000.”
The Dad nodded because he thought he understood.
The Mom was unsatisfied though and so she asked, “Why the difference in price between male and female brains?”
“Standard pricing practice,” said the vet. “The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used.”
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
A monkey goes into a bar and orders a Martini.
The bartender is amazed as he’s never served a monkey before but he thinks to himself, “What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink.”
So he mixes the martini and walks over to give it to the monkey.
The monkey takes the drink and holds out a twenty-dollar bill.
The bartender is now even more astonished and at a complete loss for words. He can’t believe a monkey walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
He takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to get the monkey his change. As he does so, he thinks to himself, “Wait a minute. Let me try something here and see if the monkey notices.”
So he walks back over to the monkey and gives him a dollar change. The monkey takes it but doesn’t say anything. He just sits there quietly sipping his martini.
After a few minutes the bartender just can’t take it anymore, he has to say something. “You know,” he says to the monkey, “We don’t get too many monkeys in here.”
The monkey replies, “At nineteen dollars a drink I’m not surprised.”
You know how the credits at the end of movies always say something like, “No animals were injured in the making of this film”? Well what if they were?
Do they list it in the credits?
Brian hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed monkey on a tricycle and a well-dressed monkey on a bicycle?
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little monkey. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.
“Now what?” responds the patron.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
How do monkeys get downstairs?
They slide down the bananaster.
Monkey Puns & Jokes
If you enjoyed our funny monkey puns and jokes be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff, including our other animal jokes such as these: