Spider Puns & Jokes

There’s no flies on us! We’ve scoured the web to bring you these, the funniest spider puns and jokes around. Enjoy!

Header image for a page of funny spider puns and jokes.

Funny Spider Puns & Jokes

Arachnophobia is one of the most common of all phobias but nobody could be scared of these funny spider puns and jokes! Have fun reading them!

What do you call an undercover tarantula?

A spy-der.

Too many spiders in your house can turn it into a no fly zone.

I was going to buy an exotic spider from the pet shop.

Then I realised I could just get one on the web.

What do you call two spiders who just got married?

Newly webs.

My friend has a bizarre fear of spiders in raincoats.


I asked the chemist, “What’s good for spider bites?”

He said, “An irate spider.”

How do spiders communicate?

Through the World Wide Web.

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

A spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider.

I’ve just bought a new pair of spider silk trousers.

They look great, but the flies keep getting stuck.

Why can’t spiders become pilots?

Because they only know how to tailspin.

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe.

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had drinks.

Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

How did the tarantula find his partner online?

He spider on the web.

I tried killing a spider with hairspray.

It may still be alive, but it’s hair sure does look amazing.

How do you spot a modern spider?

He doesn’t have a web he had a website.

What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late home?

You’re spinning me a yarn here.

What do you call a hundred spiders on a tire?

A spinning wheel.

I asked my friend what spiders eat.

He didn’t know.

He said I should go and check on the web.

What did the spider say when he broke his new web?

Darn it.

What do spiders eat in Paris?

French flies.

Why did the fly fly?

Because the spider spied ‘er.

A spider just crawled onto my keyboard.

Don’t worry it’s under ctrl.

A couple of my friends have opened their doors recently and been slapped by a large, obnoxious spider.

There’s a nasty bug going around.

What’s a spider’s favorite pastime?

Fly fishing.

I told my teenage daughter to go get me a phone book.

She laughed at me, and said, “Oh Dad, you’re so old. Just use my phone.”

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill the spider.

What’s red and dangerous?

Strawberry and tarantula jelly.

“What’s your biggest weakness?” asked the interviewer.

I said, “Spiders.”

He said, “Professional ones?”

I said, “I don’t know, I’ve never seen one in a suit before.”

Why are spiders like tops?

They’re always spinning.

The other day I found a spider in my shoes.

He looked so stupid.

They were way too big for him.

Why do spiders spin webs?

Because they can’t knit.

How can you tell if a spider is a boy or a girl?

You drop it from a building.

If he falls, it’s a boy.

If she falls, it’s a girl.

What do you call a big Irish spider?

Paddy long legs.

Why did the spider buy a car?

So he could take it out for a spin.

What is it called when you’re afraid of middle eastern spider species?


What does a spider do when he gets angry?

He goes up the wall.

How do spiders diagnose health issues?

They use WebMD.

My sister asked me for some spider puns.

I told her to look them up on the web.

Why are spiders good swimmers?

They have webbed feet.

Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock.

Who’s there?

A spider.

When can you see a spider but not kill it?

On its webcast.

What do you get if you cross a spider and an elephant?

I’m not sure, but if you see one walking across the ceiling then run before it collapses.

I know a spider who works in IT.

He’s a web designer.

What did the spider do during its free time?

It surfed the web.

What do you call a spider that can dance?

A jitterbug.

Why shouldn’t you go out when it’s raining spiders?

You might get caught in a tarantula downpour.

My girlfriend is so scared of spiders that she leaves the house until I get rid of them.

I’ve been living alone and peacefully for six hours now.

I felt so guilty after I stepped on a spider this morning.

You should have seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.

Did you hear about the spider love triangle?

It was a tangled web.

My son wanted to get a pet spider from the pet store, but they are really expensive.

I got a real cheap one off the web instead.

Puns & Jokes About Spiders

If you liked our collection of funny spider puns and jokes, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff, including our other funny animal jokes such as these:

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