It would be hippo-critical of us to say these hippo jokes and puns aren’t funny so let’s have a cheer for them – hip, hip… hippopotamus!
Funny Hippo Jokes
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they’re very good at it.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo.
One is pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What do you call a one-legged hippo?
A hoppo.
What do you call a self governing group of hippos?
Hippotonomous.
I told Mike Tyson about the hippo that’s trained to use a toilet, but he seemed skeptical.
Keeps calling it a hippo potty myth.
Why was the hippo afraid to go skiing?
He didn’t want to get hippothermia.
What do you call a cross between a transformer and a hippo?
Optapotamus Prime.
What do you call a starving hippo in Budapest?
A hungry Hungary hippo.
What is a hippo with Tourette’s called?
A Hippopottymouth.
Fred is a hippo who went to University where everyone is a hippo.
One day, when someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, “it’s over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there.”
Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
Humans are scared of hippos because they’re violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year…
So that’s just being hippocritical.
I went to the zoo with my dad and he kept making fun of the hippo exhibit.
I wish he wouldn’t be so hippo-critical.
What do you call an elephant that makes fun of a hippo’s weight?
Hippo-critical.
Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.
Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.
What do you get if you cross Snoop Dogg with a hippo?
A smokesalottapotamus.
What would happen if a hippo escaped from the zoo and began running amuck in the streets?
I dunno, I don’t like hippothetical questions.
What happens when you cross a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino?
Helephino (hell if I know).
What do you call a hippo with a gigantic butt?
A hippobottomus.
What do you call a hippo with a runny nose?
A hipposnotamous.
When a hippopotamus uses the toilet…
It’s a hippo-potty-mess.
A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom.
Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.
As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too.
So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.
Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elephant Squire had ten sons, but the Hippo Squire was childless.
The Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire sent there eighteen sons to kill the Hippo Squire, but the Hippo Squire drew his sword and single-handedly slaughtered all eighteen of them.
And thus, it was proven once and for all that the squire of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squires of the other two hides.
A wolf had been coming to the meadow at night, and had killed and eaten a rabbit every night for the past week.
The rabbits decided to put a watch-rabbit on watch. When the wolf came, the watchrabbit would shout “wolf”, and they would all hide.
Naturally, they chose Roger, who the best eyesight.
Unfortunately, Roger had a stutter.
That night, the wolf came, and Roger shouted, “W… w… w… w… w… w… ” and by the time he managed to say “wolf”, the wolf had already killed and taken a rabbit.
They held another town meeting, and decided that when they heard Roger say, “W… w… w… w… w… w… ” they would run and hide.
That night, the wolf came, Roger shouted, “W… w… w… w… w… w… ” and the rabbits ran and hid.
This happened for a few more nights and the wolf gave up and went hunting elsewhere.
The rabbits were very happy and held a big celebration, and awarded Roger a medal.
Roger said, “Hip hip”, and everyone replied “HOORAY!”
“Hip hip”
“HOORAY!”
“Hip hip”
“HOORAY!”
And a hippo came and ate them all.
I went to Weight Watchers last night.
I opened a bag of Maltesers and threw them on the floor.
Best game of hungry hippos I’ve ever seen.
Because hippos are surprisingly dangerous, zoologists use the Pythagorean theorem to calculate the length of their backs.
This is called finding the hippotenuse.
Jokes About Hippos
If you liked these puns and jokes about hippos, be sure to take a look round the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:
