Lizard Jokes And Puns

These funny lizard jokes and puns are worthy of the finest stand-up chameleons! In fact, they’re off the scale in terms of hilarity and you’ll love them right from the gecko!

Funny Lizard Jokes

Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails? The retail shop.

What do you get when you give five doses of valium to a lizard? A calmer calmer calmer calmer calmer chameleon.

I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes. “That’s not a lizard,” the store clerk told me. “That’s a stand-up chameleon.”

What did the girl play on her musical lizard? The scales.

I’ve never trusted lizards. Right from the gecko.

I saw a lizard … And it became a spotted lizard.

I saw a lizard with angry red skin. It then turned orange. Then it turned yellow. Then green. Then blue. Then indigo, until it finally became a relaxing shade of violet. Calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon.

Some lizards are unable to reproduce. It’s called a reptile dysfunction.

A lizard mom is pushing her newborn down the sidewalk in a stroller when a neighbor approaches and asks, “How cute! What’s your baby’s name?” “Tiny!” says the lizard mom. “Because he’s my newt!”

I changed the computer background to a lizard. Now it’s a Monitor.

My friend’s son asked me if I know how to speak lizard. I told him. “I don’t. But iguana learn someday.”

What did the excited lizard say when he got off the ride? Iguana do that again!

What do you call it when a lizard gets lost in a snowstorm? A blizard.

What device do you weigh lizards with? A scale.

What do you call a lizard that’s a work of art? Mona lizard.

My wife is so unreasonable. First she told me to get a baby monitor. Then she told me she doesn’t want lizards in the house. Make up your mind!

How do you turn a snake into a legless lizard? Give it an antihisstamine.

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm. The hiring manager is perplexed. “How” he asks, “Does inking reptiles amount to ‘relevant experience’ designing buildings for our firm?” “Well for starters,” the lizard tatoo artist says, “All of my drawings are to scale.”

What do you call an iguana who runs a casino? The lizard of odds.

How did scientists learn to make glass from lizards? It was clear from the gecko.

What does a lizard smoke? Mariguana.

What do you call a very rich lizard? A chameleonaire.

Why did the lizard not feel remorse after he cheated on his wife? Because he’s cold-blooded.

What do you call a rap battle event between lizards? A reptile diss function.

I’ve never seen a lizard fly … But I’ve seen a dino-soar.

A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. He goes up to the barman and says, “I’ll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here.” The barman starts making the drinks and asks, “Why do you call him Tiny?” The guy says, “Because he’s my newt.”

What do you call someone who cleans their lizard cage daily? Anole retentive.

What do you call a lizard that repeats itself? A g-echo.

What is the funniest two legged lizard? The stand-up chameleon.

What do you call a lizard that tells damaging lies about you? A slandermander.

My pet lizard isn’t able to self regulate its blood temperature I have a reptile dysfunction.

What do you call a lizard that’s an assassin? A cold-blooded killer.

My friend told me he bought a 4 foot snake. I told him that’s a weird way to describe a lizard.

What do you call a wizard that can only control lizards? Salamancer.

What do you call it when your lizard stops working? A reptile disfunction.

What is a lizards ideal job? Retail.

My wife said to put a baby monitor in the crib with our son. But I don’t think lizards make very good pets for babies.

Temp Agency: So, can you do retail? Lizard: Yes.

Why do lizards like long stories? Because they dragon.

What do you call a lizard with headphones? Anything, it can’t hear you.

Why was the lizard walking through the convinence store? It was the security monitor.

What do you call a lizard with 5 legs? A reptile dysfunction.

Stories about fire breathing winged lizards last forever. They really drag on.

Who is the head of the Lizard mafia? The Iguanodon.

One time I noticed a lizard stealing a meal from a very hungry frog. And I thought to myself, “What a cold blooded thing to do!”

What do you call a lizard that goes to the gym? A rep-tile.

A hospital administrator is showing a new nurse the layout of the ward. They walk through a room with six beds separated by dividers. As they pass by the first two rows, the nurse sees four sleeping patients, but on passing the third row the nurse sees a lizard in one of the beds and gives out a startled yelp. Noticing that none of the patients woke up and that the lizard had turned as white as the sheets, the nurse asks, “What is that?! What’s it doing in a bed?” “I’m sure it belongs there, let me check.” says the administrator, who flips up a room chart and points out the bedridden patients. “Coma, coma, coma, coma, coma, chameleon.”

How much does a lizard weigh? Depends on the scales.

What do you call a lazy lizard? A procrastigator.

Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that’s destroying everything in its path! Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We’re doomed from the gecko.

Header image for a page of lizard jokes and puns.

Jokes About Lizards

If you liked these hilarious pun and jokes about lizards, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:

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