Funny Dog Quotes & Sayings

We’ve brought your our hilarious cat quotes before, so it’d be remiss of us not to also bring you some funny dog quotes too. You’d be barking mad not to laugh at these quotes that perfectly sum up man’s best friend! So enjoy!

Hilariously funny dog quotes that perfectly describe man's best friend!

Funny Dog Quotes

Every day, the dog and I go for a tramp in the woods. And he loves it! Mind you, the tramp is getting a bit fed up!

Jerry Dennis

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like, never washed a dog.

Franklin P. Jones

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Dave Barry

A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.

Helen Thomson

You will find that the woman who is really kind to dogs is always one who has failed to inspire sympathy in men.

Max Beerbohm

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance and to turn round three times before lying down.

Robert Benchley

The reason dogs have so many friends is because they wag their tails instead of their tongues.


A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.

Josh Billings

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

Edward Abbey

Hardly any animal can look as deeply disappointed as a dog to whom one says, “No.”

Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson

In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely try to train him to be semi-human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog.

Edward Hoagland

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.

Steve Bluestone

Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods.

Christopher Hitchens

If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.

Will Rogers

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

Ambrose Bierce

I don’t eat anything that a dog won’t eat. Like sushi. Ever see a dog eat sushi? He just sniffs it and says, “I don’t think so.” And this is an animal that licks between its legs and sniffs fire hydrants.

Billiam Coronel

The objective is not so much to walk your dog, as it is to empty him.

Dave Barry

Dachshund: A half-a-dog high and a dog-and-a-half long.

H. L. Mencken

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.

Sue Murphy

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A collection of funny dog jokes and puns

Funny Dog Jokes & Puns

The greatest fear dogs know is the fear that you will not come back when you go out the door without them.

Stanley Coren

Happiness to a dog is what lies on the other side of a door.

Charleton Ogburn Jr.

If your dog thinks you’re the greatest person in the world, don’t seek a second opinion.

Jim Fiebig

If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.

Phil Pastoret

Don’t make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans, or they will treat you like dogs.

Martha Scott

The more I know about men, the more I like dogs.

Gloria Allred

Dogs are animals that poop in public and you’re supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you’ve got to ask yourself, “Who’s the real master in this relationship?”

Anthony Griffin

I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.

John Steinbeck

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.

John Peers

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

Christopher Morley

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man’s.

Mark Twain

I bought my grandmother a Seeing Eye dog. But he’s a little sadistic. He does impressions of cars screeching to a halt.

Larry Amoros

If a dog jumps into your lap it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing it is because your lap is warmer.

A. N. Whitehead

I tried to get my dog to practice safe sex. But he keeps licking the condoms off.

Tim Halpern

You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Dave Barry

When a dog runs at you, whistle for him.

Henry David Thoreau

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Rita Rudner

They say the dog is man’s best friend. I don’t believe that. How many of your friends have you neutered?

Larry Reeb

My Labrador retriever had a nervous breakdown. I kept throwing him a boomerang.

Nick Arnette

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

George Carlin

I just bought a Chihuahua. It’s the dog for lazy people. You don’t have to walk it. Just hold it out the window and squeeze.

Anthony Clark

A watchdog is a dog kept to guard your home, usually by sleeping where a burglar would awaken the household by falling over him.


Bark: This is a sound made by dogs when excited. Dogs bark at milkmen, postmen, yourself, visitors to the house and other dogs; some of them bark at nothing. For some reason dogs tend not to bark at burglars, bailiffs and income tax collectors, at whom they wag their tails in the most friendly manner.

Geoffrey Williams

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

Robert Benchley

If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.

Will Rogers

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.

Aldous Huxley

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

Jerry Seinfeld

Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.

Franklin P. Jones

Try throwing a ball just once for a dog. It would be like eating only one peanut or potato chip. Try to ignore the importuning of a Golden Retriever who has brought you his tennis ball, the greatest treasure he possesses.

Roger Caras

The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.

Samuel Butler

A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that’s surprised by its own farts.

Frank Skinner

What does a dog do on his day off? He can’t lie around – that’s his job.

George Carlin

The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor.

Margo Kaufman

Funny Puppy Quotes

The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother – and they’ll settle for a puppy every time.

Winston Pendleton

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

Bernard Williams

Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot little puppies.

Gene Hill

Happiness is a warm puppy.

Charles Shultz

Every puppy should have a boy.

Erma Bombeck

A dog may be man’s best friend, but a child’s best friend is a puppy.


Puppies are nature’s remedy for feeling unloved, plus numerous other ailments of life.

Richard Allen Palm

People have been asking me if I was going to have kids, and I had puppies instead.

Kate Jackson

Funny Quotes About Dogs

If you enjoyed these funny quotes about dogs, be sure to have a look at all our other funny quotes and sayings too, including these: