Clothes Jokes And Puns

We thought we’d ad-dress the fact that we had published any jokes about clothing, so we’ve pulled our socks up and brought you these funny clothes jokes and puns!

Header image for a page of funny clothes jokes and puns.

Funny Clothes Jokes

A man came up to me and said, “Man, your clothes look gay.”

I said, “I know, they came out of the closet this morning.”

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.

I watched it all unfold.

They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket…

They lied, everyone else had their clothes on.

My wife asked me, “Are you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?”

I said, “Actually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.”

My friend is making a lot of easy money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.

So I packed all her clothes and left.

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned.

Or she hasn’t spotted you in the tree yet.

My clothes were having a competition to decide which one is the coolest.

It ended up being a tie.

I stopped ironing my clothes.

I have less pressing concerns.

I’m going to open a clothing alteration shop that focuses on doing all jobs within an hour.

It will be called, Tailor Swift.

Why does Batman wear dark clothing?

Batman doesn’t want to get shot.

Why does Robin wear bright clothing?

Batman doesn’t want to get shot.

Where does a tongue go to drop off its old clothes?

The Salivation Army.

Walking by a clothing store, my wife says, “I’d like to try on the swimsuit in the front window.”

Me: I think you have to use the dressing room like everyone else.

I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding.

He said, “Suit yourself.”

I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.

She had a nasty habit.

My tailor really likes fixing my clothes.

Or sew it seams.

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes.

What do you call the owner of a waterproof clothing company?

The head poncho.

What do cows call their clothes?

Moo.

Gucci has a new line of clothes for babies.

It’s called “Gucci Goo”.

What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?

An iron deficiency.

What if I told you that cowboy clothes is just a fancy way of saying ranch dressing?

My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change.”

Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?

It’s too cold to wash them out-tide.

Why should you never change clothes in front of a Pokemon?

They might Pikachu.

When I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory.

It was rough.

Why was Mike Tyson sad at the strip club?

They were clothed.

What kind of clothes do frogs wear?

Jumpsuits.

An overweight time traveler goes to ancient Rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip.

Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes.

He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him.

He goes to the counter and asks the clerk, “Do you have XL togas?”

The clerk replies, “Well, yes. But why do you need so many?”

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.

Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

I went to my local tobacconist only to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store.

Clothes, but no cigar.

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said, “If you need anything, I’m Jill.”

I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

An explosion happened at a clothing store.

There were many casual tees.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion.

I’ve never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

What do you call a wolf in sheep’s clothing?

A woolf.

My wife asked me, “If I die, will you re-marry?”

I replied, “I don’t know love, I don’t think about those sorts of things.”

“Well If you did, would she live in our house?” she asked

I said, “I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it!”

Then she asked, “Would you let her wear my clothes?”

I replied, “Nah, she’s not your size.”

Why does Melkor have a larger collection of black clothing than Sauron?

Because he’s Morgoth.

I hated wearing the same clothes everyday.

But I changed.

What type of clothing does a house wear?

Address.

If you don’t know what clothes to wear, just ask Tommy.

Hilfiger it out.

My nudist friend does not like putting on clothes, but will angrily comply with dress code requirements…

He’s a cross dresser.

Always empty your pockets before washing your clothes.

I hear money laundering is serious business.

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice.

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.”

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!”

As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, “Yes! Yes! I won! I won!”

She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs.

The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll?”

The other answers, “I don’t know, I thought you were watching.”

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job.

One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.”

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.

Two o’clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.”

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.”

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

“Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.

After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things.

I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection.

When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will.

When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.

Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn’t give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather’s hen tie collection.

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.

Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other.

In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.

The one on the left put up a sign that said, “Jackson’s clothing store (Best prices!)”

Not to be outdone, the one on the right put up a sign that said, “Jackson’s clothing store (Best quality!)

The one in the middle thought about it for a while, and eventually put up a sign of his own:

“Jackson’s clothing store (Main entrance).”

Why did Donald Trump rush to Macy’s?

He heard they had Ivanka’s clothes half off.

Jokes About Clothing

If you enjoyed these puns and jokes about clothes, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, including these: