Shopping Jokes And Puns

There’s no need to shop around – all the best shopping jokes and puns are in stock right here! There’s lots of laughter in store for you!

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Funny Shopping Jokes

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

He replied, “They had avocados.”

A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.

Police are now looking for a man and say there’s a price on his head.

I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, “Sounds That Wasps Make”.

I took it home and it sounded nothing like wasps.

That’s when I realised I was playing the bee side.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

I don’t like how shopping centres are so similar.

You see one, you’ve seen a mall.

My wife texted “I’m leaving you”.

And followed with “after lunch to go shopping with my sister.”

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way.

“I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me.”

I texted her back, “Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job”.

A minute later I finished the message “-searching and resume building.”

A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines.

So I called the cops.

He must be a part of some extreme mist group.

I saw an ad in a shop window, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”.

I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.

But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

At a second hand shop.

I went shopping for cherries and microphones the other day: bought a bing, bought a boom.

Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray.

The man asks, “Is this good for wasps?”

The cashier says, “No sir, it kills them.”

I went into a pet shop and told the owner that I wanted twelve bees.

He handed me thirteen and said, “The last one is a freebie.”

I went to the shop to by six cans of Sprite.

When I got home I realised I had picked 7up.

“I want two new wipers for my Renault,” I said to the shop assistant.

He replied “That’s a good trade.”

I’m going to open a clothing alteration shop that focuses on doing all jobs within an hour.

It will be called, “Tailor Swift”.

The Lego shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being.

People will be lined up for blocks.

A husband and wife are grocery shopping when the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.

“It’s on sale. Only $10 for a case,” he replies.

“We can’t afford it. Put it back,” demands the wife.

They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

“So does the Budweiser and it’s half the price,” retorts the husband.

I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, “Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?”

He said, “Aisle B, back.”

What are you called if you are shopping at an Apple store when it’s robbed?

An iWitness.

After my wife of 57 years died, I went shopping for buttons, zippers, and velcro.

I didn’t need them, but I was looking for some kind of closure.

I tried to makeup a joke about shopping.

Does discount?

A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist.

The multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, “I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn’t matter if it’s a good deal or not. It doesn’t matter whether or not I need it. It’s the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall.”

So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, “Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex.”

So my wife wondered how the pancakes got into our shopping cart.

I said maybe they crêped in there.

Whenever I go to a Apple Store, I feel like a three year old at a candy shop.

I can’t afford anything.

Where do horses go shopping?

Old-neighvy.

I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.

Clothes, but no cigar.

I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove my sunglasses.

I guess I must’ve looked shady.

If you’re shopping for horses in the dark, go for stallions.

I mean, you don’t want nightmares do you?

I was shopping for a stove last night.

They had a range of options.

I went shopping and saw an attractive woman dressed as Snow White working at one of the stores.

She was the fairest of the mall.

My pet spider died so I went to the pet shop for a new one.

They were so expensive.

Fortunately, I got one free off the web.

Just got back from the supermarket – there was a guy rushing round the shop who had brought 15kg of paella rice, 5 cases of tequila, 8 sombreros and 12 piñatas.

I thought to myself, Hispanic buying.

Why do Storm Troopers shop at Walmart?

Because they couldn’t find the Target.

Why did the shopping cart quit its job?

It was tired of getting pushed around.

I saw a man with one arm at Walmart.

I told him the second hand store is down the street.

Jokes About Shopping

If you enjoyed these puns and jokes about shopping, we have lots more funny jokes in store for you at the rest of LaffGaff, such as these: