Christmas Shopping Jokes

If you’re anything like us here at LaffGaff, you’ll hate Christmas shopping. So rather than braving the crowds to get the gifts bought, why not stay home and laugh at these funny Christmas shopping jokes instead!

Header image for a page of funny Christmas shopping jokes.

16 Funny Christmas Shopping Jokes

A couple were Christmas shopping.

The shopping center was packed and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, “Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I do remember that shop.”

He replied, “Well, I’m in the bar next door.”

I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, “Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?”

He said, “Aisle B, back.”

A woman is taken to court.

The judge asks, “What were you charged for?”

The women replied, “Doing my Christmas shopping too early.”

When the judge asked her how early, she said, “Before the store opened.”

I just saved a ton of money on my Christmas shopping by expressing my political views on Facebook.

Who says doing Christmas shopping early avoids the crush?

Last year, I did mine a full 12 months in advance, and the shops were just as busy as ever.

Why is Christmas shopping a sin?

Because the devil is in the retails.

I was Christmas shopping the other day and I saw a brass band, with dribble underneath all of their instruments.

Turns out it was the Salivation Army.

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm… that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”

The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”

I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy.

This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag.

Can’t wait to see what she gets me.

I was Christmas shopping for a friend’s daughter.

I rang him and asked what she was into and he said, “Anything Frozen”.

So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.

If anyone is Christmas shopping for me…

I take a size large in student loans.

Last week, I told my grandpa that Amazon is the best place for Christmas shopping.

He just called me from Brazil.

How is Santa able to get his personal Christmas shopping done so quickly?

He gets it right off the elf.

So I was out Christmas shopping earlier today and I decided to stop in at the local garden section to pick out some succulents for my wife.

Unfortunately, I tripped over a hose and ended up falling into the Aloe Vera.

It hurt like hell, but healed very quickly.

A man was doing some last minute Christmas shopping when he spotted a beautiful parrot through the window of a pet shop.

The man walked inside to get a better look, and the owner of the shop approached the man.

“That’s Chet,” the owner said, “He’s a very special parrot.”

“What do you mean special?” the man asked.

The owner struck a match and held it under the parrot’s left foot and Chet began to sing, “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…”

The man was totally amazed. The owner then held the lit match under the parrot’s right foot and Chet began to sing, “Deck the hall with boughs of holly, Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la…”

The man had never seen any parrot like this one. He quickly paid the man for the parrot and rushed home to his wife.

Skeptical of her husband’s purchase, the wife sat down and watched the man light a match, then hold it under the parrot’s left foot. Chet began to bellow, “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…”

The wife was speechless. The man then held the match under the parrots right foot and Chet began to bellow, “Deck the hall with boughs of holly, Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la…”

The wife, still skeptical asked, “What would happen if you held the match under both of his feet?”

The man thought for a minute, then held the lit match under both of the parrot’s feet.

Chet began to squawk louder than ever, “CHETS NUTS ROASTING OVER AN OPEN FIRE!”

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.

Now, we all know that Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, “What do you want for Christmas?”

“Something for my mother, please,” she replied sweetly.

“Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,” smiled Santa. “What would you like me to bring her?”

Without turning a hair the young lady answered quickly, “A son-in-law.”

It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, “Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

“No, madam,” he replied, “they’re all dead.”

More Christmas Fun

If you enjoyed these funny Christmas shopping jokes, be sure to check out the rest of our fun Christmas pages too, including these: