Funny Christmas Cracker Jokes

Groan-inducing Christmas cracker jokes are a festive tradition in the UK – jokes so bad, you just have to laugh. A proper belly laugh too!

And these examples are no different! We make no apologies for their sheer awfulness!

We bet you laugh at them anyway!

A collection of awful Christmas cracker jokes

Hilarious Cracker Jokes

What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?


What lies in a pram and wobbles?

A jelly baby.

What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?

A barberqueue.

How did Scrooge win the football game?

The ghost of Christmas passed.

What bees are hard to hear?


What cereals do cats like?

Mice crispies.

What’s a frog’s favorite drink?

Croaka cola.

What’s tall and wobbly and stands in the middle of Paris?

The trifle tower.

What must you know to be an auctioneer?


What do spacemen play in their spare time?

Astronauts and crosses.

What’s furry and minty?

A polo bear.

What do mice do in the daytime?


What did one pig say to the other?

Will you be my pen pal?

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrrrrr!

Why did the turkey join the band?

Because it had the drumsticks.

What do frogs wear on their feet?

Open toad sandles.

Who was England’s first chiropodist?

William the Corncurer.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a soldier?

A flat major.

What do you get if you cross a bee with a bell?

A hum dinger.

What did the dolphin say when his friend had an accident?

You did that on porpoise.

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

Because it’s too far to walk.

What’s the difference between the clementine in your Christmas stocking and Donald Trump?

Nothing, they’re both a little orange.

What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a Christmas Carol?

O Comb Over Ye Faithful.

What do you call a train loaded with toffee?

A chew chew train.

What’s yellow and good at math?

A banana with a calculator.

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships.

What’s round and bad tempered?

A vicious circle.

What do you get if you lay down under a cow?

A pat on the back.

What did the policeman say to his stomach?

You’re under a vest.

When is a boat like a pile of snow?

When it’s adrift.

Who was the world’s first underwater spy?

James Pond.

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?


What do you give a man who has everything?


What does a frog do if his car breaks down?

He gets it toad away.

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas, Eve.

How do you hire a horse?

Stand it on four bricks.

Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?

Noel Coward.

Why are police officers so strong?

Because they hold up traffic.

What’s the most shocking city in the world?


What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?

One day my prints will come.

What has four legs but can’t walk?

A table.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?

A nervous wreck.

How do you keep cool at a football match?

You stand next to a fan.

What do you get when you cross a piece of bacon with a spaceship?

An unidentified frying object.

What has eight arms and tells the time?

A clocktopus.

What outlaw lives at the bottom of the sea?

Billy the squid.

What sweets do frogs like?


What was the first motorised vegetable?

The horseless cabbage.

What’s green and goes dah-dit, dah-dah, dah-dit?

Morse toad.

Where should a dressmaker build her house?

On the outskirts.

Which country has the largest appetite?


Why are cooks cruel?

They beat eggs, whip cream and batter fish.

Why do bees hum?

Because they don’t know the words.

Why hasn’t anyone ever stolen a canal?

They have too many locks.

Why is it so difficult to train dogs to dance?

They have two left feet.

What wobbles and flies?

A jelly-copter.

What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?

A sour puss.

Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?

Because he couldn’t concentrate.

Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?

He’s a fungi to be with.

How do you stop a skunk smelling?

Hold its nose.

Christmas Cracker Jokes

If you enjoyed our collection of Christmas cracker jokes, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more laughs. And don’t forget our Christmas trivia questions too! Not to mention our other Christmas jokes and other pages of Christmas humor and fun, including these: