Being a gardener isn’t all a bed of roses, you know. But give it thyme and things can eventually turn out to be blooming marvellous! Enjoy these funny garden and gardener jokes that we’ve dug up for you!
Funny Gardener Jokes
I hired a landscape gardener.
But he said he couldn’t help as my garden was portrait.
Did you hear about the guy who invented garden shears?
It was cutting-hedge technology.
I asked the gardener to brighten up my garden.
So he planted some bulbs.
Roses are black, violets are black.
I suck at gardening.
My gardener takes a really long time to cut the grass.
It’s like he’s in slow-mow.
I’ve started growing herbs in my garden.
To help identify them I’m growing them in alphabetical order.
My neighbour asked me, “How you find the time?”
I said, “Easy, it’s right here next to the sage.”
I was terrified of gardening.
But I finally decided to grow a pear.
Sherlock Holmes was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.
“A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
Starting your own garden is easy, but picking all of the vegetables?
That’s the harvest part.
There is a gardening show coming to my town.
When I found out I got so excited I wet my plants.
Growing a herb garden can be tough.
It’s hard to find thyme for it.
A gardener took his dog to the vet.
“He’s been acting real depressed,” explained the gardener. “He just lays in the garden day after day, letting out these really sad sighs.”
“I see,” replied the vet. “What do you grow?”
“This season it’s cantaloupe, but I don’t see how that’s relevant.”
The vet nodded knowingly and replied, “Well, that explains it. He’s a Melon Collie.”
I had a dream where I was planting myself in a garden.
It felt so real, I actually soiled myself.
I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches.
He said only thyme would tell.
I just bought some potting soil in the sale.
It was dirt cheap.
I joined my local gardening club.
It’s a grass roots organization.
Why did the old gardener move back to his home town?
To rediscover his roots.
I’ve been putting in extra hours at my job working at the herb garden.
I get thyme and a half that way.
My gardener is a gambler in his spare time.
He likes to hedge his bets.
Funny Garden Jokes
Almost all garden gnomes have red hats.
It’s a little gnome fact.
For years I’ve suspected my wife of adding soil to my garden.
When I asked her about it, she just shrugged.
The plot thickens…
What do you call a cow in your garden?
Bilbo was surprised to wake up one morning and find a supermarket had been built in his garden.
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
What do you call a pea that runs away?
An escape pea.
The neighbour’s dog pooped in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.
I don’t see what that solved. We’ve still got dog poo in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.
My wife said the garden had flooded.
Turns out there was a leek.
My wife thought I couldn’t repair our garden bench.
But I just nailed it.
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked, “What are you doing there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.”
The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly, “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?”
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
What do you call the garden police?
Lawn and Order.
I wrote a novel about a guy who had a small garden.
Not much of a plot.