Pass the time when working the graveyard shift with these hilarious night shift jokes and puns!
Funny Night Shift Jokes
There was a knight whose job it was to guard other knights while they sleep.
But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair.
No great threats to defend against.
So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard.
Learning languages, math, philosophy.
The smarter he got the more he realized that he would likely leave the world and be forgotten.
In his depression he turned to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style.
Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs.
He learned that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and so he set his nights to finding the rhythm that would be universally loved.
Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian’s Rhythm.
Working the night shift, I found 20 cents on the floor.
I felt enlightened.
I had a pair o’ dimes shift.
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.
The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed.”
The second kid goes, “That’s nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door.”
What did the bird say to the owl?
Enjoy your night shift.
What has 12 breasts and 24 teeth?
The night shift at Waffle House.
A security guard about to start his night shift finds it weird to see his boss coming into the office.
“Hey boss? Working late tonight?”
“Yes, I’m flying to Europe tomorrow, family trip.”
In the morning, minutes before the security guard’s shift end, the man spots his boss again, but now sharing some strong words.
“Boss, please don’t get on that plane. I had a terrible dream it would crash and everyone would die.”
The boss doesn’t say anything to the man but decides not to take the trip.
A couple of days later the boss comes back to see the security guard.
“Hey, that plane ended up crashing so your dream saved my life, thank you.”
“No worries, boss. I’m glad you’re okay.”
“Also, you’re fired.”
“What do you mean, boss? Why?”
“Because you were sleeping on your shift.”
In the middle of WWII, some British soldiers were captured by the Germans and taken to a POW camp.
They were to be put to work on either the day shift or the night shift, round the clock so the work would never cease.
“Ve vill count off by twos,” said the camp warden, “But you British pig-dogs are likely too stupid to count zat high. So instead, one person vill say ‘tick’, and the next vill say ‘tock’. Is zis clear?”
The prisoners nodded, begrudgingly.
And the warden started pointing at each one in turn.
“Tick,” said the first prisoner.
“Tock,” said the second.
“Tick.”
“Tock.”
“Tick.”
“TICK!”
The warden glared at the defiant prisoner, who had a huge grin on his face.
The warden shouted at all of them, “START OVER!”
And so they did, but again, the sixth prisoner Tick’ed.
The warden, still glaring, strode over to the troublemaker. “Ve can do zis ze easy vay,” said the warden, “Or ze hard vay… Ve haf vays of making you ‘Tock.'”
Dr. Johnson is approached by Ted, a new vampire.
“I just got turned,” Ted tells him. “You gotta help me out. I need blood, and I don’t want to kill anyone.”
Dr. Johnson agrees to help, providing Ted with the blood bags he needs.
He refers Ted to counseling to deal with the psychological effects of the change.
He even lets Ted crash on his couch while he looks for a job with a night shift opening.
But a week later, during his rounds on the coma ward, Dr. Johnson notices suspicious marks on several necks.
Ted confesses. “I just couldn’t resist.”
Dr. Johnson sighs. “I wanted to help you. I really did. I gave you food, and I even offered you a place to stay. But now, Ted…”
Dr Johnson shakes his head. “You’re beginning to try my patients.”
The night Beethoven was buried the graveyard attendant was walking by his grave and he swore he could faintly hear Beethoven’s 9th symphony playing in reverse.
The next night as he walked past the grave, he could hear Beethoven’s 8th symphony playing in reverse.
This happens all throughout the week for this man.
The graveyard attendant is extremely nervous as to what will happen when the 1st symphony plays in reverse on the 9th night.
He explains this to his friends but no one believes him.
They say the night shift is just playing with is head.
The 9th night comes and he tells this story to a fellow graveyard worker.
“Pretty freaky right? I’m really nervous about what might happen tonight.”
“Oh don’t worry man, stuff like this is perfectly normal!”
“Oh really?”
“Yeah, Beethoven is just de-composing.”
In the middle of the night, a taxi driver picked up a lone woman.
It’s pitch black outside and the woman is other-worldly beautiful.
The taxi driver just started doing night shifts and he suddenly remembered all the stories about ghost women seducing young men at night which made him very nervous.
Aside from giving an address, the woman was silent the whole way.
As they arrived at the address, he suddenly realized it was a graveyard.
The woman got out.
The taxi driver thought he heard something and then the woman just disappeared.
He looked around and the woman was nowhere to be seen with the back door left open.
He was too scared to move.
Suddenly, the woman appeared again by the driver side window, but now her face is covered with blood!
The taxi driver almost fainted.
Slowly she started to speak with a strange voice…
“Sir, next time, could you NOT stop besides a ditch please!?”
One morning, Mr. Johnson was driving home from his night shift.
He had worked hard all night and his home was about an hour away from his workplace, so he decided to take a nap.
He pulled his car over to the side of the road and closed his eyes.
Fifteen minutes later, he was awakened by a jogger tapping on his window.
Mr. Johnson rolled down the window.
“Do you know what time it is?” asked the jogger.
“No!” snapped Mr. Johnson.
He rolled his window back up and went back to sleep.
Fifteen minutes later, he was awakened by another jogger tapping on his window.
Mr. Johnson rolled down the window again.
“Do you know what time it is?” asked the jogger.
“No!” snapped Mr. Johnson.
As the jogger ran away, Mr. Johnson wrote “I do not know what time it is” on a piece of paper, taped it to the window, and went back to sleep.
Fifteen minutes later, he was awakened by a third jogger tapping on his window.
Mr. Johnson rolled down the window.
“It’s 8:00 in the morning,” said the jogger.
A tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stopped into a bar called “Dick’s” across the street for a drink.
“Hey what can I get you?” asked Dick.
“How about a daiquiri?”
The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar.
He takes a sip and loves it.
“Whoa that’s great. What’s your secret?”
“A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra.”
The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops.
One night the doctor enters and like clockwork the bartender goes to make his favorite drink only to realize that all the almond extract is gone.
Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory on hand.
The doctor takes a sip.
A little confused, he takes another…
“Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?”
“No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”
What do you call a vampire who works the night shift at a fast food restaurant?
Count Spatula.
The police get a call about a house two blocks away when on the night shift.
The caller doesn’t say much but she says she often sees lots of money coming and going from the house and hears machines running all night and day.
The police put together a swat team just in case things go sideways.
They bust down the door to the house and find row upon row of washing machines filled with various forms of currency.
In disbelief, one of the policeman says, “This guy was laundering money!”
I got a new job at the owl sanctuary.
It’s night shifts but I hear it’s a real hoot.
A security guard at a factory had two wooden legs.
He was working a night shift once when the factory caught fire.
A spokesman from the fire brigade told the local news crew that thanks to them arriving on the scene quickly, the factory was saved.
However, the security guard was burned to the ground.
I just finished reading the 17th century novel by Miguel de Cervantes about an animal who works lots of extra night shifts.
It was called Donkey O.T.
A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory.
There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspapers came through the gate.
Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper.
So he removed the paper only to find nothing.
Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.
“I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away.”
The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him.
The next night it was the same, and the night after that.
Week after week it went on.
The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard’s checkpoint.
The guard would always check and find nothing.
Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to the supervisor.
He walked into the supervisor’s office and before he could say a word, the boss said, “You’re fired!”
“Fired?” he asked in total surprise. “Why? What did I do?”
“It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you’re fired.”
“Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard.”
“Oh, really,” the boss answered. “Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?”
Why was the ghost so tired?
He worked the graveyard shift.
Jokes About The Night Shift
If you liked these puns and jokes about working the night shift, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:
