Rental Jokes

These hilarious rental jokes and puns will be great for your rental health! You definitely wont get mental fatigue from reading them!

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Funny Rental Jokes And Puns

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walking around like they rent the place.

A blonde went into a church and asked the minister, “How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?”

He said, “Do you mean a choir?”

She said, “Fine… How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?”

A sketchy looking guy rented six smoke machines from my shop, so I called the cops.

He must be part of some extreme mist group.

How many ants does it take to rent a house?

Tenants.

A husband always leaves his money in the attic.

His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.

The husband replies, “So I can use it to pay rent in heaven.”

A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it.

The wife says to herself, “I knew he should have put it in the basement.”

I tried renting a bounce house yesterday.

The cost was twice as much as last year.

That’s inflation for you!

My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.

We have a lot in common.

I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I’d like to rent Batman Forever.

I said, “No, just for the night.”

Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn’t pay rent, they’d turn off the heater tomorrow.

It was our last warming.

The world’s largest bounce house is now touring the U.S.A.

At 10,000 square feet, the house is large enough to live in.

The rent is pretty expensive but that’s mostly due to inflation.

I keep asking my flatmate to pay his rent.

And he keeps turning sideways to avoid me.

My woodwind instrument couldn’t afford to pay the rent.

Now it’s a Hoboe.

Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.

Turns out it was volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.

Why couldn’t the art forger pay his rent?

Because he didn’t make any Monet.

A hippie gets 3 months late on rent so his landlord knocks on his door to let him know he’s being evicted.

He opens the door and tells him, “Namaste.”

I rented a bulldozer to get rid of all the small bumps and hills in my garden.

When I was done, it was even worse then before.

I can’t even…

Why do landlords like to rent their storefronts to Chinese restaurants?

Because they’re lo mein tenants.

If money can’t buy you true happiness,

I guess you’ll just have to rent it.

Yesterday a friend called and asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent.

I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need so I told her, let me check my account and l will call you right back.

Before I could double check, her sister called and said, “Don’t give her any money because she’s lying.”

Her sister told me that she wants to use the $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail so they can be together for her birthday.

I thought about it for a minute, then decided to go ahead and give her the $500.

A few minutes ago, she called me from the local jail, crying about being arrested.

She started screaming, asking, “Why did you give me counterfeit money?!”

I replied, “So you and your man could be together for your birthday”

A man puts an ad in the newspaper: “House for rent: christians only”

Next day, someone came and knocked on the door.

The bad looking owner opened the door and grumbled, “What do you want?”

“Well, I saw the ad, I want to rent this house,” says the visitor.

“Ugh, fine, fine, and what is your name?”

“David Rosenberg,” says the visitor.

The man shouts, “No, no, no. Are you kidding me boy? I won’t rent this house to Jews! Can’t you read? The ad says: CHRISTIANS ONLY!”

“Yes, I know, although I’m Jewish, I’m also a Christian,” says the visitor calmly.

“What the heck? Do you think just because I’m an old man I’m also stupid? There’s no such thing as someone being both a Jew and a Christian!”

“Sir, I’m not making fun of you, I’m both Jew and Christian.”

“Really? So let’s make a simple quiz. What’s inside of a Catholic church?”

“A sacramentary.”

“And what else?”

“The book of Gospels”

“Keep them coming.”

“Well, the chalice, the communion cups, monstrance, sanctuary lamp…”

“Ugh, what else?”

“The confessionary?”

“Hmmm, and Jesus, is the son of whom?”

“Joseph.”

“And?”

“Mary.”

“And where was he born?”

“Bethlehem!”

“Yeh, yeh, everyone knows that was in Bethlehem, I want to know the place, the house!”

“It wasn’t a house Sir, it was a stable, a barn.”

“And why a barn?”

“Well Sir, you see, in those times, there was an idiot just like you that didn’t rent houses to Jews…”

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

They did their thing, and before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment ‘RENT FOR APARTMENT.’

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price.

So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

‘Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

1 – it had never been occupied;

2 – there was plenty of heat; and

3 – it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:

1 – it had been previously occupied,

2 – there wasn’t any heat, and

3 – it was entirely too large.’

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

‘Dear Sir:

1 – I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

2 – As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

3 – Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.’

So I discovered that the creatures from Avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads.

I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev…

From a company called You Crane.

What do you call cheap apartments in the Middle East?

Low rents of Arabia.

A new store opened up in our town called Store E.

It started off as a small store, but as they got more money, they added more items and extended their store several times.

It go to the point I had to walk for 10 minutes to get to my favorite jerky.

So one day I rented a bulldozer and to make a long Store E short, I bulldozed half the store.

Two blondes go on vacation and rent a boat for the day to go fishing.

They lower the anchor and start fishing on the lake.

After a really successful days’ fishing, one blonde says, “We should come back to this same place tomorrow,” and so she takes out a marker and draws an “X” in the bottom of the boat.

“This will help us find the location,” she says.

The other blonde watches and then rolls her eyes. “You idiot!” says the second blonde, “How do you know we’ll get the same boat!?”

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home but he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn’t say he had no children, because he couldn’t lie. We all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right.

The agent asked, “How many children do you have?”

He answered, “Twelve.”

The agent asked, “Where are the others?”

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered, “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”

Moral of the story: It’s not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words… and don’t forget, most politicians are unfortunately lawyers.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed our funny jokes about rental, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff, for lots more funny jokes, including these: