Roommate Jokes

It was a bit cramped but we managed to make room for all these funny roommate jokes and puns! After all, it’d be rude not to share!

Header image for a page of funny roommate jokes and puns.

Funny Roommate Joke And Puns

My roommate says our house is haunted.

I’ve been living here for 300 years and I haven’t noticed anything.

My roommate claims I’m schizophrenic.

Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.

My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils.

But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

My roommate’s diary says I have boundary issues.

My roommate’s cell phone broke.

He wants me to let you guys know he’s vegan.

My roommate told me my clothes look gay.

I said that’s because they just came out of the closet.

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He’s now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.

“Look at this!” I said to my roommate.

“What happened?” he replied.

“Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eighth plants are growing very healthily, but the other four are getting dry, even though I treated them the same!” I said.

“Huh, weird!” he responded. “Water the odds!”

My roommate is 2 days younger than me.

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying, “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty his roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there’s more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom’s thought, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.”

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose your mother took it, do you?”

He said, “Well I doubt it, but I’ll email her just to be sure!”

He sat down and wrote: “Dear mom, After your visit me, the silver plate has been missing. I’m not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house, and I’m not saying that you didn’t take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Your son.”

Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and I’m not saying that you don’t sleep with her: but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow. Love, Mom.”

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”

His roommate replies, “Canadian.”

Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”

The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”

Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.”

His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”

What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates?

Mom & Dad.

An engineer and a physicist are roommates.

One day a fire starts in the kitchen.

The engineer is the only one home. He hears the alarm jumps out of bed grabs the fire extinguisher off the wall and puts out the fire and goes back to bed.

The next night a fire starts in the kitchen again.

This time the physicist is the only one home. The physicist gets out of bed and sees the fire. He looks at the wall and sees a fire extinguisher. He then goes back to bed happy knowing that a solution exists.

Four roommates get drunk the night before an exam and they miss the test.

They go to the professor with a story that they got a flat tire on their way to take the exam and they beg for the chance to take a make-up exam.

The professor agrees.

On the day of the make-up test all four students show up right on time. The professor looks at his watch and says, “Begin.”

The students open their exam books and there’s only one question: “Which tire went flat?”

One night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend, when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, fell over and broke my glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood.

Now, I didn’t know Joseph THAT well; I didn’t even know where he was from, but since he was my roommate, I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He had to go about his life with one of those cotton pads in his eyes for a couple of months.

Then suddenly, he disappeared… along with my girlfriend.

I later found out that they’d both had bonded after his injuries and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track both of them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn’t been for cotton eye Joe, I’d have been married a long time ago. Where’d you come from? Where’d you go? Where’d you come from, cotton eye Joe?

A girl walks into her apartment after being out all night partying.

She says to her roommate, “Last night I slept with a Brazilian!”

The roommate replies, “Oh my God you didn’t! How many is a Brazilian?”

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed sharing our funny jokes about roommates, check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, including these:

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