Landlord Jokes

You’ll never be in laughter arrears with these funny landlord jokes and puns, and nobody’s going to evict you for telling them!

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Funny Landlord Jokes And Puns

My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him, “My door is always open”.

I was in my room and saw 10 ants running frantically.

I felt bad for them, so I built a house for them.

This kinda makes me their landlord and that kinda makes them my…

Tenants.

The Kraken: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease.

Landlord: Re-lease the Kraken!

Landlords are so stuck up.

They act like they own the place.

Landlord: How are the new tenants above you.

Renter: They are okay. But it sounds like they are bang on the floor every night at two o’clock in the morning.

Landlord: That is outrageous. I will talk to them at once.

Renter: No. It is really not that big of a deal. I’m usually up then practising my trumpet anyway.

What is the opposite of a Mermaid?

A landlord.

Billy tells his friend, John, that he lost his job the day before.

John, being the optimist, tells him that things could have been worse.

A few days later, Billy tells John that his wife left him.

John, being the optimist, tells him that things could have been worse.

A few more days pass, and Billy tells John that he was kicked out by his landlord as he couldn’t pay rent.

John, being the optimist, tells him that things could have been worse.

After a few more days, Billy tells John that he is totally broke now but he still has a lot of loans outstanding and if he fails to pay them, he could go to jail.

John, being the optimist, tells him that things could have been worse.

This time Billy snaps.

“Every time I tell you my problems, all you say is that things could have been worse. How could it possibly be worse now?”

“Well, all those things could have happened to me…”

A man walks into an insect shop and asks for several bags of cockroaches.

“What are you using all the cockroaches for?” the cashier asks.

“Well…” the man said, “The landlord asked I leave his property the same way I found it.”

As a landlord, the most laid-back renters I ever had were a Chinese restaurant.

They were lo mein tenants.

A man is late on his rent and his landlord is threatening to evict him.

So he lies: “I sent the payment last week I swear! Hey you know the old Czechoslovakian guy that lives below me, Jaroslav? I saw him going through everyone’s mail the other day. He must have stole it!”

The landlord calls the cops and the elderly neighbor is arrested.

The next day when the neighbor’s wife sees the man walking up to the apartment, she runs him over with her car.

He’s laying in the emergency room telling the doctor the whole story while he’s examined. He finally says, “So how bad is it?”

The doctor looks at him and says “Well you’re going to lose an arm and a leg but that’s what you get for lying about the Czech being in the mail.”

“Sir you have got to help!” said the tearful man at the door. “There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The Father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely a bit of food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked out of the house and they will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads!” The man concluded with one last heart wrenching sob.

“Well,” said the man at the door, “That really is a sad story. Why don’t you come inside and we’ll talk about it a little more.”

“So how much money is needed exactly?” asked the man when they were both seated.

“Oh it’s really terrible,” said the man starting up again. “Why just for the rent $3000 is needed by tomorrow otherwise they’ll be kicked out onto the streets.”

“How do you know so much about this situation?” asked the man as he reached for his check book.

“Well,” said the man breaking down once more, “They are my tenants.”

A woman out with her friend over a cup of coffee, lamented that her husband wanted her to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker, hoping that she was good enough in bed to cover the months rent.

“You didn’t do it really, honestly, did you?” asked her friend.

“Yup, I have to admit, I did it. But what I didn’t do was tell my husband was that the rent is now paid up for the rest of the year.”

Why was the landlord seeing a psychiatrist?

He had an apartment complex.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these funny jokes about landlords, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, including these: