These funny train jokes and puns will put you on the right track to a fun-filled day! They’re sure to engineer a few laughs and stop you going off the rails!
Funny Train Jokes
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself.
In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying “Here comes the train”, and we always used to eat it straight away.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks.
Did you hear about the train robbery down in Mexico?
They said the robber had a loco-motive.
Every time we go over a railroad crossing, I tell my kids, “Hey, a train just went by!”
“How do you know daddy?”
“Because its tracks are still here!”
How does a train eat it’s dinner?
It chew chews it.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
If I’m offering you my seat, you take it.
I don’t need all this, “OMG, I can’t drive a train” nonsense.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Why can’t you trust a train?
Because it has loco motives.
Why did the pioneers use covered wagons to move out west?
They didn’t want to wait 40 years for a train.
The pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.
An electric train can only operate…
If there’s a conductor.
How does someone become a conductor?
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.
The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes I am.”
He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. “Sure hold on a second.”
The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train.”
The man says, “I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook.”
Does a train have teeth?
Then how can it choo choo?
Why did the train go to the sauna?
To blow off some steam.
There was a murder on a train do you know if the suspect was caught?
No, he covered his tracks.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
I used to want to work on the railroad.
But I realized it would require too much training.
Why do dictators prefer trains to cars?
A good conductor means less resistance.
How do locomotives know where they’re going?
Lots of training.
To those people who play loud music on the train…
Where do you get off?
How do trains drink?
How do trains hear?
With their engine ears.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago…
I can’t help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people.
At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.
Before he faces his sentence, he’s offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him.
The next day, he’s led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and… nothing happens.
There’s never been a failure before. But because you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free.
Within a week’s time, naturally, the man, who is obsessed with trains, goes and steals another one.
He doesn’t care that he can’t drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. As before, he crashes it, and kills several people.
Again, he stands trial, and again, he is sentenced to death, showing no remorse, only delight that he got to operate the train.
His last meal request is a single banana. When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. He goes free again.
The train-obsessed maniac, once more on the loose, wastes no time in hijacking a train and crashing it.
His trial is speedy, because this has already happened twice, and he is sentenced to death.
They ask him what he’d like for his last meal. “A single banana,” he says.
“Oh, no you don’t! We’re on to you, now. We know all about your little banana trick, and you’re not escaping this time!”
The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler.
The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and… nothing happens.
“Did you give him the banana?” demands the head guard.
“No, sir! He asked for the banana but we didn’t give it to him, we swear!” says one of the guards.
Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything.
He was just a really bad conductor.
What noise does a train make when it’s sick?
Son: Dad, I want to be a train conductor but I don’t know where to start.
Me: The station… You can do it. Just stay on the right track.
What kind of ears do trains have?
A train conductor gets arrested for committing crimes in his home town.
The judge wants to know his local motive.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”
The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”
The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”
The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that Frenchman again.”
Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train.
At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman, “Excuse me ma’am, but it’s really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?”
The woman answers, “I’ll tell you what, I’m also feeling really cold, for one night, why don’t pretend we are married?”
The man, taken aback but enthusiastic replies, “Yeah of course!”
And so the woman says, “Good. Then get it yourself you lazy good-for-nothing idiot.”
Three blondes are walking through a forest when they spot tracks on the ground.
The first blonde says, “Look, those are deer tracks.”
The second blonde looks at them and says, “No you’re wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves.”
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says, “You’re both wrong, these are hog tracks, I’m sure.”
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Three Scots and three Irishmen are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three Irishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an Irishman.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers a Scot.
They all board the train.
The Irishmen take their respective seats but all three Scots cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the bathroom door and says, “Ticket, please.”
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Irishmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Irishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the Scots don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed Irishman.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers one of the Scots.
When they board the train the three Irishmen cram into a bathroom and the three Scots cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Irishmen are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
I’ve been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I’m getting really annoyed…
It keeps asking me, “Where do you want to go?”
So I click on the icon that says “Home” and then it makes me start again.
I was having a poop in the toilet on the train when the conductor knocked on the door.
He said, “Can I see your ticket please?”
“Not right now, I’m having a poop,” I shouted back.
“I don’t believe you, can you slide it under the door?” He snapped back annoyedly.
“Sure thing, no problem. The yellow bits are sweet corn,” I said.
More Funny Jokes
If you thought we were on the right track with these hilarious puns and jokes about trains, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these: