We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again – we love short jokes here at LaffGaff. And you can’t get shorter than these one liners about life.
They may be short but your laughter will be long because they’re hilarious!
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Hospitality is making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I’ll start calling them traditions.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance; we’ll see about that.
Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not sure.
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening”, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one out of 5 enjoys it?
Whatever you do always give 100% – unless you’re donating blood.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
I was born to be a pessimist – my blood type is B Negative.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days.
Some people cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
Life One Liners
If you enjoyed these funny one liners about life, be sure to check out our other collections of the best one liner jokes too, including these: