22 Hilarious One Liners
My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.
Someone broke into my house and stole my external hard drive; they really got my backup.
Signwriters have their work cut out, don’t they?
I asked my friend a question while he was eating an orange, but all I got was a pithy response.
My friend’s in prison for flashing; he says he can’t bare it anymore.
I said to my friend, “Let’s take turns naming American vice-presidents, Al Gore first.”
My friend’s selling a load of broken yo-yos, no strings attached.
I tried drag racing the other day; it’s murder trying to run in those heels.
I went geese hunting the other day but once they started flying I knew the game was up.
I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall; honestly, you couldn’t make it up.
I was a bookkeeper for 10 years… the local library weren’t too happy about it.
It’s really important to obey the laws of grammar, after all rules is rules.
I’ve been training for a marathon by running 10 miles a day which is really tiring, but it’ll be worth it in the long run.
There’s been some talk of a wet T-shirt contest taking place in our little town; I’ll be the judge of that.
Wolverine is a man of many talons, isn’t he?
I’ve looked up to my father ever since he got that job as a trapeze artist.
If tightrope walking is called funambulism, then walking must be ambulisum, but where’s the fun in that?
I just watched 30 minutes of a TV play of Hamlet with the volume turned down; that was a hard act to follow.
I went to India last year where I saw a man sitting cross-legged while he played a tune to a snake, and I thought to myself, “That’s charming, that is”.
Police censuses tick a lot of motorists off, don’t they?
I was at a rock concert with my friend when he said he wanted to try crowd surfing, so I told him not to get carried away.
If you struggle to stay awake while using your iPad, there’s a nap for that.