We’ll keep this introduction brief – these underwear jokes and puns are very funny! They’re sure to leave you panting for more!
Funny Underwear Jokes
“Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing,” I said to my wife.
She said, “Wear your own then!”
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.
It’s laundry day.
What brand underwear do scientists wear?
What do you call a man with no vacuum cleaner and itchy underwear?
What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear?
His butt quack.
I always take an extra pair of underwear when I go golfing.
Just in case I get a hole in one.
What do you call a mortician that steals dead people’s underwear?
For a second, I couldn’t decide what underwear to buy.
It was a moment of brief indecision.
I could go on and on about the virtues of underwear.
But I’ll be brief.
What kind of underwear do long-distance runners wear?
A woman goes to the doctors with a piece of lettuce sticking out the top of her underwear.
The doctor says, “That looks nasty!”
The woman replies, “That’s just the tip of the iceberg!”
What do you call a bounty hunter with no underwear?
The best underwear jokes…
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
What does Thor call his underwear?
What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?
Fruit of the Tomb.
Did you hear William Shatner started his own underwear line?
But “Shatner Panties” was not a good business.
I stole a lawyer’s underwear right before court.
There’s no way he’ll succeed without his legal briefs.
Why did the priest need new underwear?
Because they were so holy.
People always ask me why I named my son “Underwear”.
I tell them he’s the Fruit of the Womb.
Why did the CEO of the underwear company cut the introductions short?
He wanted to keep things brief.
What does an explorer call his new underwear?
Why shouldn’t you wear Ukrainian underwear?
Because Chernobyl fallout.
When I was in college, I used to drink beer in my underwear.
Now I use a glass.
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decided to go and see a doctor.
The Doctor said, 2Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need… a new suit.”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.”
Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”
The salesman said, “Let’s see… size 36.”
Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.”
Why doesn’t Santa wear any underwear?
Because he’s Saint Knicker-less.
Did you guys hear about the underwear thief?
The police said it was a brief case.
My aging dad decided to enter a kickboxing tournament.
He’s not athletic, and he’d never fought before.
I thought he was crazy to even enter it, but he said he had a plan to win: he would wrap his feet in underwear.
I didn’t see how that would help, but he surprised us all and went undie-feeted.
I think we can all come up with a better name for underwear.
Butt hat’s none of my business.
The name for the drawer where I keep my underwear?
What kind of underwear do vegetables wear?
A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole.
She agrees and climbs the flagpole.
When she gets home she tells her mother what happened.
Her mother said, “Honey, he just wanted to see your underwear.”
The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said, “I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole.”
Again she agrees and climbs.
She goes home and tells her mother, “Mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn’t wear any underwear.”
I once worked for Victoria Secrets as a diesel fitter.
When a lady walked in the store I would hold up underwear and exclaim “diesel fitter”.
What did the hat say to the pair of underwear?
You stay behind, I’ll go on a head.
I’m trying to think of an underwear joke.
But I don’t have any clean ones.
I was buying my wife some underwear.
I asked the shop assistant, “Are these knickers satin?”
“No,” she said. “They’re brand new.”
What kind of underwear does a spine wear?
Having a big nose is no excuse for not wearing a mask.
I still have to wear my underwear.
Superman and Chuck Norris made a bet.
Whoever loses the fight has to wear their underwear on the outside.
My wife’s friends are coming over, so she’s said, “Don’t walk around the house in your underwear.”
I guess that gives me an excuse to be naked then.
What kind of underwear does a female snake wear?
When I get home my wife’s underwear is coming straight off…
They’re cutting right into my hips.
My friend did not believe in the existence of underwear for apes.
I told her to look them up and showed her on the internet.
I said, “Ha! Chimp pants, see?”
A man makes a bet with his boss.
He bets $500 that he can lick his eyeball.
Laughing the boss agrees.
The man takes off a fake eyeball and licks it.
The boss angrily gives him the $500.
The man then bets $500 he can bite his own ears.
The boss pulls his ears to check if the man is wearing any fake ones, then agrees.
The man takes out a set of fake teeth from his mouth and bites his ear with them.
Angry, the boss gives him $500 and tells him to go away.
The next day, the man comes back.
Boss: What now? Didn’t you take enough money from me?
Man: Trust me. This one should be easy. I bet you all your money back that you are wearing purple underwear.
Boss: Haha! My underwear is black!
Man: May I see some proof?
The boss goes to the washroom and brings back his underwear in his hands.
The man cheerfully hands $1,000 to the boss.
Boss: Why are you so happy?
Man: Look around you. All around the office’s glass walls your 43 employees are watching.
Man: I bet each of them $500 that I can make you take off your underwear.
A lady calls her butler into her room and says, “Jeeves, take off my dress”
He casually says, “Yes, Madam”, and removes the dress.
Then she says, “Jeeves, take off my underwear”.
Again, he says, “Yes, Madam” and removes the undergarment.
She then says, “Jeeves, take off my bra”.
Again, with no hesitation he says, “Yes, Madam” and removes the bra.
Then she says, “Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”
Walking home after a girls’ night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman’s husband phones the second woman’s husband, furious: “My wife came home last night without her panties!”
“That’s nothing,” says the other. “Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, ‘From all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you.'”