If wood be wrong of us not to lumber you with these funny wood jokes and puns, wooden it? You definitely won’t get board by them, if you catch our drift!
Funny Wood Jokes
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it’s hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
“How long have you been chopping wood for?”
“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”
How do you tell someone was cutting wood?
What’s the best way to carve wood?
Whittle by whittle.
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it…
It means my illegal logging business is a success.
I walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling and shouted…
“This is a stick up!”
I was going to tell a joke about carpentry.
But I didn’t think it wood work.
I contacted someone to replace the old wood on my floor.
I’m still waiting for a re-ply.
The Wood Glue I just bought doesn’t stick.
I guess I got the wouldn’t glue instead.
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together.
Totally nailed it.
I’m not super experienced with wood carving.
I only know a whittle.
Ash used to be wood…
But it was fired.
My uncle just passed away from accidentally drinking wood varnish.
It was a sad way to go, but a beautiful finish.
What did the piece of wood say when it had nothing to do?
What do you call a sportscar carved out of Italian wood?
My lumberjack friend occasionally gives me pieces of wood to build my home furniture.
It’s his random axe of kindness.
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
This weekend I will absolutely kick my habit of tapping on dead trees…
Knock on wood.
If I told you I knew a convoluted joke about a golf club, a sheep, a stinging insect, a tree, and that scary clown movie…
Wood ewe bee leaf It?
Guess what I saw?
What did the tree say to his tree girlfriend?
I wood do anything for you.
Why has a car made of wood never been successful?
Because it wooden go.
When is a sailor a piece of wood?
When he’s aboard.
On the beach, you can get wood…
If you catch my drift.
What’s the scariest wood?
As part of my superstitious nature, I only insult buildings made of lumber.
I constantly knock on wood.
The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
“Hey, Craig, did the police come?”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Sure did, Eric. Thanks!”
“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”