These collections of the best dirty jokes are strictly for adults only!
If you’ve got a dirty mind and like a bit of risque humor and innuendo, then these jokes will be right up your alley!
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After two minutes she said all charges were being dropped due to a lack of evidence.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.
So the bartender gives her one.
I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still got pregnant.
Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.
My coworker is unable to attend next week’s innuendo seminar.
I have to fill her slot instead.
A guy goes to the supermarket one day. He’s doing his shopping when he notices an attractive young woman waving at him.
She comes over and says hi to him.
He’s taken aback because he can’t think where he knows her from. So he asks her, “Do you know me?”
She replies, “Yes, I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
The guy’s mind is whirring now and it travels back to the only time he’s ever been unfaithful to his wife. He asks the woman, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”
She looks into his eyes and calmly replies, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
Virginity is like a car.
Once you’ve had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either.
My wife’s fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time.
She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman.
“It’s a boy!” I shouted, with tears rolling down my face. “It’s a boy! I don’t believe it!”
And it was at that point that I resolved never to visit Thailand again.
A sad-looking man walks into a bar. He looks so down the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?”
The man replies dolefully, “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.”
The bartender is concerned to hear this and tells the man, “I’m sorry but I can’t help you kill yourself. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
The man asks him, “Well what would you do in my situation?”
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Honestly, if I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself or drinking myself to death, I’d kill the guy.”
The man leaps from his stool and shouts, “Hey, that’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the bar leaving the shocked bartender behind.
A couple hours later the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
The bartender is nervous now. He’s afraid to ask but eventually says, “Did you kill the guy?”
The man says, “No, I slept with your wife! Whiskey please.”
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo jokes died suddenly yesterday.
His wife is taking it really hard.
My sexual desires have been getting out of control…
But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom.
The other day I got pulled over by a cop. When he walked up, I pulled out my 9mm.
Once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure.
My dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex.
We laughed about it for a while.
Then I remembered me and my wife have different dentists.
After sex last night my new girlfriend snuggled up to me and said, “You know, you’re easily the biggest I’ve ever had.”
Apparently, “Ditto” wasn’t the correct response.
Why do Jews get circumcised?
Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that’s not at least 10% off.
I had unprotected phone sex once.
Now I’ve got hearing aids.
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
I’d never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, “Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?” If not, don’t say it.
I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, “Your chest is epic.”
I have bathed in the blood of virgins…
Well, I had a nosebleed in the shower.
My wife thinks our sex life is boring and I get distracted too easily …
Well, I guess I’d better get back to it.
Dating is a lot like fishing.
Sure, there’s plenty of fish in the sea.
But until I catch one, I’m just stuck here holding my rod.
A son says to his mother one day, “Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I’m still a virgin.”
His mother replied, “Well, start giving them bad grades and they’ll stop.”
I asked the doctor where I should put my pants during my prostate examination.
“Over there next to mine,” was not the answer I was expecting.
I asked a New Zealander friend of mine how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
There are three stages of sex after marriage:
- Try weekly.
- Try weakly.
I just read the average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old.
I’m finally above average for something.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
In a panic and realizing there was no time for her lover to get away, she said, “Hurry, stand in the corner.”
He dis so and she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
Then she whispered to him, “Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”
At that moment, her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.
“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied as nonchalantly as she could. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Then around three o’clock in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and came back with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.”
My girlfriend told me I’m her 32nd lover.
It turns out what she really meant was I’m her thirty second lover.
I think my coworkers must be gay.
Every time I walk past them, I hear them mutter, “What an ass.”
Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven’t been going too well.
All of a sudden, girls in my area are no longer interested in me.
I lost my virginity so late…
That when it finally happened I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded.
What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?
I’ll be home in 20 minutes.
More Fun And Laughter
If you enjoyed this collection of the best dirty jokes, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more fun and laughter. We have a huge selection of funny jokes, trivia questions and answers, funny quotes, quizzes, riddles and pick up lines, so there’s something for everyone!