Wizard Jokes And Puns

We worked our magic to bring you these hilarious wizard jokes and puns! They’re sure to cast a spell over you!

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Funny Wizard Jokes

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

My best friend called me and said, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!”

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he’s just a big lyre.

What do you call a wizard who’s really bad at football?

Fumbledore.

Can a dyslexic wizard spell?

What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.

You’re a wizard, dad!

Emma Watson?

A man goes to see a wizard and says, “Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?”

“Maybe,” says the wizard. “Can you remember the exact words of the curse?”

The man replies, “I pronounce you man and wife.”

A wizard asked me to proof read one of his scrolls last week.

Actually it was more of a spell check.

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Once, when working in a store, a man dressed as a wizard approached the counter.

He said, “Do I get any money off for having this big stick?”

I said, “No sir, we don’t offer staff discount.”

What do you have when you have 16 copies of the Wizard of Oz?

The Wizard of Lb.

What do you get when you melt the Wizard of Oz?

The Wizard of Fl.Oz.

What do you call a wizard who fell down the stairs?

Tumbledore.

Did you hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?

He couldn’t spell.

What does a condiment wizard perform?

Saucery.

What do you call someone who’s a wizard at weightlifting?

Albus Dumbbelldore.

What’s the worst thing about being an illiterate wizard?

You can’t spell.

Did you hear about the wizard that died of thirst?

He’d had a dry spell.

Three friends walk into a bar.

After a round, the first of the group speaks up.

“I would like to reveal to you that I am actually a wizard!”

The second friend said, “Good gravy, I am a sorceror too!”

The third wasn’t anyone magical, but felt pressured to say that he was.

The first man said, “Let’s have a contest, let’s try to make this bar rise into the air!”

The first magician caused the bar to rise to the height of a tall mountain.

The second said, “Pft, that’s nothing,” and the bar shot to the edge of space.

Now the first two were waiting for the third.

The third then cleverly said, “I can’t do it. You’ve set the bar too high.”

I said, “Gandalf once said ‘A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.'”

My boss replied, “You’re still fired!”

Witches and wizards don’t fart.

They cast smells.

A muggle walks up to a wizard and says, “Wow, you’re Harry Potter!!”

The wizard replies, “No, but you’re close. I’m Harry Potter’s godfather.”

“Haha, nice try Harry Potter. I know it’s you,” says the muggle.

“No, I’m Sirius”

How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six.

One Slytherin to break it.

One Gryffindor to volunteer to change it.

Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor student.

And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic in the first place.

A wizard’s company went bankrupt.

He had to let his staff go.

Why did the wizards show up to battle empty handed?

Their weapons were at a staff meeting.

What do you call a wizard with a good outlook on life?

An Opti-Mystic.

Why are vampires like wizards?

Because they’re neck-romancers.

Wizard: Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?

Bard: He thinks it’s his spellcasting focus.

Wizard: He has spells?

Bard: Just one. Every time he hits someone with it, he shouts, “Cast iron!”

What do you call a buff wizard?

Dumbbell dore.

What do you call a wizard from Uganda?

A UGandalf.

Pinocchio is walking down the street when he runs into a wizard, who says, “Hey, Pinocchio, give me five bucks and I’ll turn you into a real boy.”

“What’s the catch?” Pinocchio asks suspiciously.

“No catch,” the wizard replies, “Just give me five bucks and I’ll turn you into a real boy, no strings attached.”

How does a conservative wizard summon a chair?

“Bench-appearo!”

I saw a magician who could make anything weigh exactly 28.3 grams.

His stage name is “The Wizard of Oz.”

So there are three female wizards assigned to protect three Rolex time pieces. My only question?

Which witch would watch which watch?

Two female wizards are chatting.

Rhe first says to the second, “I liked the hat you were wearing last week.”

The second says, “Witch hat.”

My favorite character in the Wizard of Oz is the scarecrow.

I mean, c’mon, its a no-brainer.

Where does a wizard eat his lunch?

In the staff room.

When a wizard needs to work on his spells…

He hexercises.

What language do wizards write in?

Cursive.

What is a bad wizard’s favourite computer program?

Spell-check.

My magician friend’s signature trick is to make cute kittens appear out of thin air.

His stage name is The Wizard of Awwws.

What do you call a dead wizard?

A spelleton.

A wizard cast a spell on my big dog to shrink him and turn him into a fruit.

Now he seems depressed, because he is a little melon collie.

What spell does a dead wizard cast?

Abracadaver.

What is the difference between a wizard and a warlock?

Spelling.

Jokes About Wizards

If you enjoyed these funny puns and jokes about wizards, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more magical jokes, such as these: