Did you hear about the site with all the best jokes? That’s LaffGaff of course! And to prove it, here’s a great collection of Did You Hear About Jokes!
Funny Did You Hear About Jokes
Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Did you hear about the guy who robbed a liquor store?
I hear he got off scotch free.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Did you hear about the frog that parked illegally?
Don’t worry, it got toad.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He won the no-bell prize.
Did you hear about the French general who stepped on a landmine?
Napoleon Blown Apart.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much.
There’s nutelling what can happen next…
His legacy will become a pizza history.
Here today, gone tomato.
I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm.
How sad that he ran out of thyme.
Ashes to ashes, crust to crust.
There’s just not mushroom left for Italian chefs in this world…
Sending olive my prayers to his family.
His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it…
You never sausage a tragic thing.
It’s such a shame good people die fusilli reasons.
It was a farfalle from grace…
My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeast.
Did you hear about the guy addicted to drinking brake fluid?
He claims he can stop whenever he wants.
Did you hear about the family who died of random head injuries?
I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where they lived.
Crazy.
Did you hear about the train robbery down in Mexico?
They said the robber had a loco-motive.
Did you hear the score between the ocean and the beach?
It’s tide.
Did you hear the population in Ireland’s capital is growing?
In fact it’s Dublin.
Holy Cow! Did you hear about the fight between 2019 and 2020?
2021.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s okay, he woke up.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was on a flight?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne.
Did you hear about the man going around painting people’s houses illegally?
They caught him red handed.
Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?
They had a toot in common.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Did you hear about the lobster that got the job at Pizza Hut?
He works in the crust station.
Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea?
It’s all over town.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Did you hear about the blind carpenter?
He picked up the hammer and saw.
Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawals.
Did you hear that Ireland is going to begin broadcasting their own version of “Southpark”?
It’s going to be set in Kilkenny.
Did you hear about the man brought in by the Fashion Police?
They questioned him over his criminal ties.
Did you hear about the town that legalised pot but banned alcohol?
The residents were left high and dry.
Did you hear about the A who went to the bathroom and came out E?
He had a vowel movement.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but it has no atmosphere.
Did you hear that the Pope has the avian bird flu?
He got it from one of the cardinals.
Did you hear about the new bikini documentary?
It’s a two part series that’s quite revealing.
Did you hear about the guy who evaporated?
He’ll be mist.
Did you hear about the coin shortage?
Apparently, America is literally out of common cents.
Did you hear about the restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.
Did you hear about the bingo caller who had a tumor?
Luckily, the tumor was B-9.
Did you hear how they named Canada?
Someone was pulling letters out of a hat…
“C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
Did you hear about the anti-masker who went scuba diving?
They drowned.
Did you hear about the cop who fell and broke his radio?
He couldn’t get backup.
Did you hear about the tomb they discovered in Egypt?
It was filled with hazelnuts and chocolate.
They believe it belonged to Pharaoh Rocher.
Did you hear the dad joke about the peaches?
It was pittiful.
Did you hear the joke about butter?
Well, I’m not going to spread it.
Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for carrying a gun made out of Jello?
He was charged with carrying a congealed weapon.
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only eats Brians.
Did you hear that Coke and Pepsi are coming together to make a drink?
It’s gonna be a cola-boration.
Did you hear about the satellites that got married?
The wedding wasn’t much, but the reception was incredible.
Did you hear about the inmate that stuttered?
He never finished his sentence.
Did you hear about the young genie who got a job and moved out of his parents’ lamp to a one bedroom necklace?
He was in-de-pendant.
Did you hear about the band named 1023MB?
They don’t have a gig yet.
Did you hear about the big Lego sale?
People were lined up for blocks.
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence.
Did you hear about the guy who made nunchucks from Bruce Lee’s bones?
He got in a fight and was arrested for assault with a dead Lee weapon.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?
He couldn’t control his pupils.
Did you hear about the ancient Peruvian who fainted?
He was Inca-pacitated.
Did you hear about the woman who beat her husband to death with his guitar collection?
At her arraignment the judge asked, “First offender?”
She replied, “No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender.”
Did you hear they arrested a T-Rex after he was hired on at the casino?
He turned out to be a small arms dealer.
Did you hear about the mute chicken?
It didn’t give a cluck. (Sorry about the fowl language).
Did you hear about the lion who ate his family?
He swallowed his pride.
Did you hear about the pants that just came back from the gym?
They were ripped.
Did you hear about the man who was shot by a starting gun?
They believe it was race related.
Did you hear about the race between the cabbage, the tomato, the gravy, and the egg?
At first the cabbage was a head, but then the tomato found it could easily ketchup. The gravy kept running, and the egg got beaten.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Did you hear about the Latino boy whose father works happily on a military vessel?
He has a feliz navy dad.
Did you hear about the astronomer who studied the moon for 24 hours?
They got bored and called it a day.
Did you hear they invented a new version of tennis that’s supposed to be harder?
It’s called elevennis.
Did you hear about the ice cream van that crashed?
The driver blamed it on the rocky road.
Did you hear about the scarecrow that got promoted?
He was outstanding in his field.
Did you hear about the six year old that got eaten by a lion?
He was ate before he was seven.
Did you hear about the soldier who lost one foot in a battle, and fought on, only to lose his other foot as well?
He was finally de-feeted.
Did you hear about what happened to the guy from the keyboard factory?
He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.
Did you hear about the company that made yard sticks?
Turns out, they’re not making them any longer.
Did you hear what happened at the world’s shortest game of tag?
It was touch and go for a second.
Did you hear about the perfume that smells of nothing?
I think it’s total non scents.
Did you hear about the new pen that can write underwater?
It can write other words too.
Did you hear that police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion?
I imagine he’ll be given a tough sentence.
More Funny Jokes
If you enjoyed these hilarious Did You Hear About jokes, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:
