There’s nothing sweeter than funny candy jokes and puns, so here’s a great pick and mix selection of the best examples that are sure to be to your taste! They definitely don’t suck!
Funny Candy Jokes
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe.
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor came in and said, “I have some good news and bad news.”
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
Its important to keep some candy in your pocket at all times.
It could be a lifesaver.
My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000.
The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.
A little boy and his father visited the country store, and upon leaving the store, the owner of the store offered the little boy some free sweets.
“Grab a hand full of sweets,” the merchant said to the boy.
The boy just stood there looking up at his father.
The owner repeated himself, “Son get a hand full of sweets… it’s free.”
Again the boy did not move, continuing to look up in the face of his father.
Finally the father reached into the candy jar and got a hand full of sweets and gave it to his son.
As they walked back home, the father stopped and asked his son why he did not grab a hand full of the free candy.
The boy with a big smile on his face looked into the face of his father and said, “Because I know that your hand is bigger than mine.”
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby.
He slapped my hand away.
Turns out he wasn’t born yesterday.
I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself…
My wife rushed through the room and shouted, “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK!”
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat.
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat I told them, “My hat my candy.”
A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth.
A man approaches the boy and says, “Don’t eat candy, kid. It’s not good for you.”
The boy replied, “My grandfather lived until he was 97.”
“Really,” said the man. “Did he eat a lot of candy, too?”
The boy replied, “No, but he minded his own business.”
I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.
Three priests and their wives are flying back from an interdenominational conference when the plane crashes and they all die.
They all arrive at the pearly gates at the same time.
St. Peter says to the first priest, “I am sorry, but I cannot let you in. You adored sugar and sweets. You had the biggest sweet tooth, and was so involved with sugar and sweets that you married a woman named Candy.” Off they go to hell.
St. Peter then addresses the second priest, “I am sorry but I cannot let you in. You truly did not love the Lord, you only loved money. In fact, you loved it so much that you married a woman named Penny.” Off they go to hell.
The third priest says to his wife, “Fanny, we don’t have a chance.”
Ending childhood obesity is easy.
It’s as easy as taking candy from a baby.
Three kids walk into a candy store.
The first kid says, “I’ll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!”
The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans.
“There’s your jelly beans, young man,” he says.
The next kid says, “I’ll have $1 worth of jelly beans as well, sir!”
So the guy has to do the whole thing again: get the ladder, climb up, grab $1 of jelly beans, climb back down, but before he puts the ladder away, he asks the third kid, “Are you also wanting $1 of jelly beans?”
The kid says, “No.”
So the owner puts the ladder away again, hands the jelly beans to the second kid, and turns to the third kid.
“What can I get you, young man?”
The third kid says, “I’ll have $1.50 of jelly beans, please.”
How do you spell candy with two letters?
C and Y.
Capitalization can really change a sentence.
For example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.
An alcoholic walks into a candy store.
The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says, “Can I help you with anything?”
The alcoholic replies, “Yeah, got any liquor?”
“Well, I’m not sure but there is this…”
“What is that?”
“It’s liquor-ish.”
I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.
Nowadays, they’ve got cameras everywhere.
I know a guy who collects candy canes.
They are all in mint condition.
Billy has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
Diabetes.
Billy has diabetes.
How did the magician make a candy bar appear out of thin air?
He had a lot of Twix up his sleeve.
If anyone needs a tip on where to store leftover Halloween candy…
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
What is a happy cowboy’ favorite candy?
A Jolly Rancher.
I tried juggling some candy bars but kept dropping them.
I have Butterfingers.
I love chocolate…
Hard candy is for suckers.
What is an astronaut’s favorite candy bar?
Milky Way.
Why wouldn’t the crab share his Halloween candy?
He’s shellfish.
Who is the best candy (w)rapper?
Eminem!
More Funny Jokes
If you these funny jokes about candy were to your taste, why not sample the rest of LaffGaff for lots more hilarious jokes, such as these:
