Scary Jokes And Puns

These scary jokes and puns are so funny it’s frightening! They’ll make you scream with hair-raising laughter!

Header image for a page of funny scary jokes and puns.

Funny Scary Jokes

I have a scary joke about math, but I’m 2² to say it.

Ever since I killed one of my chickens with the lawn mower all manner of scary, haunting things are happening to me.

I think I may have a poultrygeist.

People keep saying that needles are scary.

I guess they have a point!

North Korea now has a missle that can reach New York City, and I think that’s really scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary-looking kid drew a knife on me.

The little idiot used a permanent marker and it was a nightmare to wash it off.

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again…

Because your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

I heard a scary 4 chord song the other day.

It gave me the E B G Bs.

I’m reading a horror story in Braille and something scary’s about to happen.

I can feel it.

How do you make a milkshake?

Tell it a scary story.

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier…

A deadline.

I’m throwing a scary movie party this year.

Going to call it Netflix… and chills.

What has four legs, two mouths, is very scary and has the power to make a man suffer indescribable torment?

My pregnant wife.

I had a scary dream where a horse was chasing me at midnight.

It was a night mare.

What do you call it when a scary reptile robs a drink shop?

A gator raid.

Yesterday I fell off of a 50 foot ladder.

I was on the bottom step… but whatever. It was still scary.

Antartica is pretty scary…

Just thinking about it gives me chills.

What do you call a scary show?


Some trees may look scary…

But they are all bark and no bite.

I used to own a rabbit farm. You know, I would raise these super cute fluffy bunnies!

People would always ask me how it was: was it relaxing, fun, nice, a bore etc…?

I would always respond that it was honestly terrifying, like really scary.

People in bewilderment would always say: “What? scary? how can that be?”

I would respond: “Well, it was hare raising!”

I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year.

So I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.

I had a nightmare last night that my Tik Tok account was deleted.

It was scary, because for a second I thought I had a Tik Tok account.

What do you call a scary icing that you can’t get rid of?

A boo meringue.

Why was nine afraid of seven?

Because that was actually a pretty scary movie.

What can be both sexy and scary at the same time?


How does a scary divorce start?

The Ex-Files.

The Grim Reaper appeared in beside me when I was chopping up some carrots in my kitchen.

He took his scythe and started chopping the carrots with me.

It’s very scary when you are dicing with death.

What’s comforting and scary at the same time?

A warm toilet seat.

What did the scary panda say?

Bam!! Boo!!

If you ever feel lonely, watch a scary movie.

Then you won’t feel so lonely anymore.

I had a scary dream about gasoline last night

It was nightmare fuel.

I always said that I would never ever go walking the dark scary tunnels in the earth.

But eventually I caved.

What kind of music is scary for balloons?

Pop music.

Two cows are standing in a field.

One cow says, “Man that mad cow disease sure is scary isn’t it?”

The other responds, “Yeah it is, thank God I’m a helicopter.”

A kid and a clown are walking through the woods.

The kid looks around and says, “Man, these woods sure are scary!”

The clown replies, “You’re telling me! I have to walk out of here alone.”

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary….

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?

Also why is water so scary?

A young guy was on his way to visit his friend.

Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him.

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear.

He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.

Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that he found himself on.

The next town wasn’t for miles, so he’d have to stay the night under this tree if he didn’t find a ride.

Just as things were looking really grim, he catches a light moving slowly towards him. He’s saved!

Desperate for a ride, he jumps into the vehicle once it stops for him.

Once in, he turned to the driver seat to say thanks, and only then did he realize then moving car had no driver.

The rain was so heavy, he couldn’t even hear the sound of the engine as the car slowly continued it’s journey.

The guy was too scared to move, too afraid to jump out of the car and run.

Seeing the car was coming to a sharp bend that lead down to dark water, he began to pray for his life.

He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the river, where he would surely drown!

Right before the car made it to the bend, a shadowy hand reached in through the driver side window and turned the wheel, guiding the car around the bend, thus avoiding a wet demise for the lad.

Just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a bend.

Finally, scared to near death, he’d had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran towards the first town he could find.

Wet and in shock, he went into the nearest bar and told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped the room and everybody got goosebumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth about the stange car and the ghostly hand that guided it on its way.

Just then, two men walked into the bar.

They were dripping wet and as they took off their rain gear, they looked around the room.

Their eyes came to rest on the hitchhiker. They pointed at him ominously, and he feared they were ghosts come to get him.

“Look!” said one of the men, “There’s the idiot who jumped into our car when we were pushing it in the rain.”

When is a turkey scary?

When it’s a goblin.

What do you call a scary philosopher?


A taxi driver is going home at midnight when he decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery.

He’s driving slowly through the dark when he suddenly stops in shock. In front of his headlights is a lady in white hailing him down.

Before he has time to think, the woman climbs in and says in a low whisper, “I’m so glad you’re here. Nobody ever goes by here anymore.”

There’s something really creepy about the lady, and the cabbie doesn’t talk with her, just drives to the address she gives.

He’s so nervous and jittery that he starts swerving hard along the country roads.

Embarrassed that he’s so scared, he turns around to apologize for his driving – but the woman is gone.

Terrified, the cabbie floors it until his heart stops beating like a jackhammer, and he catches his breath at a stop sign.

Starting to think it was all a dream, he looks back to make sure no one is in his car.

But he sees the woman in white again. This time, her eyes are dripping blood, and she starts to reach out to him with a pale hand.

This starts the cabbie again and he drives like a lunatic, not knowing what he’s doing in his fright. He turns to see if the lady is close, and then hits the brakes – she’s gone again!

Shaking, he pulls a flask and takes a swig of whiskey to steady his nerves, when cold fingers touch his shoulder.

He looks behind him and sees the woman’s face completely covered with blood now, staring down at him behind a veil of disheveled black hair.

The cabbie panics and drives like a madman, his only instinct is to escape.

When he finally calms down, he stops and looks behind him to see that the lady has disappeared again.

But as soon as he turns back toward the road, he notices that the lady is now seated beside him in the front passenger seat, blood covering her from head to toe and dripping from her open mouth.

Crazed with fear now, the woman staring him down, the cabbie drives the final stretch to their destination like hell on wheels.

When they get there, he collapses back into his seat, all the fight gone out of him.

The blood-covered lady leans over and whispers, in a creaking voice from the edge of the afterlife, saying …

“Hey, cabbie. You gotta fix that back door, I fell out and had to catch up to you three times.”

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these funny scary jokes, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more hilarious jokes, such as these:

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