Little Johnny is always getting himself into trouble, but you won’t have any trouble with these funny Little Johnny jokes! Warning: These are inappropriate jokes for kids!
Funny Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it.
He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, “Mom, I know everything.”
Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
“Just don’t tell Dad,” she says.
Hey, it’s working thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work.
Johnny goes up to him and says, “Dad, I know everything.”
Dad gives Johnny $100.
“Don’t tell Mom,” he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door.
Johnny opens it and says, “I know everything, Mister.”
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says, “Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug.”
At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…
Cindy raises her hand.
She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”
“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said. “Anyone else want to try?”
Samantha raises her hand.
She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.”
“Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.”
Little Johnny raises his hand.
“Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, ‘Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?’ and he says, ‘I don’t know son, but it’s gonna take that contagious.'”
While teaching a class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said: “Just a minute I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying: “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
Johnny said: “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
The Word Fascinate
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’, not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate”, so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight!”
Sunday School Sleeper
Little Johnny fell asleep in Sunday school.
The teacher asked, “Johnny, who is our Lord and savior?”
The boy behind him poked him in the back with a pin.
Johnny shot upright and shouted, “Jesus Christ!”
“Correct,” said the teacher.
Johnny then fell back asleep.
The teacher called on him again, “Johnny, who was Jesus’s mother?”
Again, the boy behind Johnny poked him.
Johnny woke up again and exclaimed, “Mary mother of God!”
“Correct,” said the teacher once more.
Johnny fell back asleep.
The teacher called on him one last time, “Johnny, can you tell me what Eve said to Adam after she gave birth to their 23rd child?”
The boy behind him poked him once more.
Johnny shot up and shouted, “YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONCE MORE AND I’LL SNAP IT IN HALF!”
Little Johnny Goes To Confession
Little Johnny goes to confession:
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Johnny Pagano?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”
“Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “Well what’d you get?”
Johnny says “Four months vacation and five good leads…”
What did little Johnny’s mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?
She grounded him.
Little Johnny Can Count
A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
“Yes,” he says. “My dad taught me.”
“Can you tell me what comes after three?”
“What comes after six?”
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job.
What comes after ten?”
“A jack,” answers Little Johnny.
Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
“MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND….”
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy….”
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”
Little Johnny Ain’t Stupid
Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!”
Nobody stands up.
Teacher: “Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!”
Little Johnny stands up.
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… I just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”
Bad At Math
Little Johnny has always been bad at math, never willing to study or apply himself.
His parents never beat him, they did however move him from school to school hoping he would improve.
Finally out of desperation, they took him to an all Catholic school.
Within one week little Johnny improved.
He would go upstairs every night after dinner and study his books, math especially.
By the time his first report card came his mother was burning with curiosity and sat him down for a chat.
His mother said, “Johnny we have tried everything to get your grades up, we are very proud, but what on earth finally made you improve in math?”
Little Johnny looked at his mother and said, “Well, the teachers are dressed funny, but when I saw the little man nailed to the plus sign I knew they weren’t messing around.”
I Like The Way You’re Thinking
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “Because the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.
As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.
Little Johnny replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing Little Johnny replied, “They will in a minute.”
The Moral Of The Story
One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.”
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Little Lucy went next. “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.”
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
Next up was little Johnny. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
“Well,” Johnny replied, “Don’t mess with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.”
A door to door sales woman knocks on a door.
Little Johnny opens the door holding a tumbler of scotch and a lit cigar.
The woman, visibly shaken, asks “Little boy is your mother home?”.
Little Johnny takes a sip of his scotch and a draw from his cigar before he looks her dead in her eyes and says “What do you think?”
Nickel And Dime
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime. Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel’s bigger?”
Johnny grins and says, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve made $20!”
Little Johnny’s Grandfather
Little Johnny goes to his grandfather and asks him to croak like a frog.
“Why, sure Johnny. Croak”, says grandfather.
“Yaaaaay”, exclaimed Johnny.
Confused, grandfather asks what’s so exciting.
“Papa says we’re going to be rich when you croak!” replies Johnny.
Where Is Jesus?
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”
Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!”
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
“Well,” Little Johnny says, “every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'”