We feature a lot of jokes for kids here on LaffGaff, and we do try to keep our jokes clean and inoffensive (most of the time!). That said, we thought it was time we presented some funny jokes for adults too. After all, rude jokes are funny too!
They’re not too rude but they’re definitely jokes for adults only and aren’t suitable for kids! If you prefer your jokes for adults clean, then check out these great Dad jokes instead!
Best Adult Jokes
Enjoy the best funny jokes for adults only:
The other day I was having making love to this married woman when her husband came home early.
She told me I’d have to use the back door and said I’d have to be quick.
On reflection I should have just left, but it’s not every day you get an offer like that.
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument over breakfast one morning.
As things got heated, the doctor shouted at his wife, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” and then he stormed out of the room and went to work.
A couple of hours later he was feeling guilty about what he’d said so he decided to call his wife to apologize.
There was a long delay before she finally answered. “What took you so long to answer?” asked the doctor.
“I was in bed,” replied his wife.
“What were you doing in bed at this time?” he asked.
“Getting a second opinion.”
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday and my wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday in the morning before I went to work. My parents forgot too and so did my kids. I got into work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. I was really sad because everyone had forgotten my birthday!
But then as I walked into my office, my secretary smiled and said to me, “Happy birthday, boss!”
Because everyone else had forgotten, I felt so special so when my secretary asked me if I wanted to go for lunch with her I jumped at the chance.
After we’d eaten lunch, she invited me back to her apartment and again I jumped at the chance. When we got there, she asked, “Do you mind if I just go into the bedroom for a minute?”
“No problem, I’ll just wait here,” I said.
Five minutes later my secretary came back out of the bedroom with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!”…
While I was waiting on the sofa… naked.
A family is having dinner at the table one evening when the son asks the father, “Dad, how many different kinds of breasts are there?”
The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering, “Well my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears – still nice but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions.”
The son is confused and asks, “Onions?”
The father replies, “Yes – you see them and they make you cry.”
The wife and daughter are really annoyed by what their father has said, so the daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch – flexible but reliable. But after 50, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
The daughter laughs and asks, “A Christmas tree?”
The mother replies, “Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
One day, a little boy and a little girl are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.
After much arguing to and fro, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have.”
The little girl is annoyed and upset by this, as what the boy says is obviously true. So she runs home to her Mom, crying.
A short time later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She goes to the boy, drops her pants and says, “My Mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”
The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and sees that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”
Short Funny Jokes For Adults
Here are some short smart jokes for adults:
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I just had a near-sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My girlfriend tried to make me make love to her on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to make love, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”.
Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club.
Thank you all for coming.
A boy asks his Dad one day, “Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential?”
His Dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
What’s the difference between the G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will search for a golf ball.
Why don’t foot fetishists ever win anything?
Because they like the taste of defeat.
What do a dog and a near-sighted gynaecologist have in common?
A wet nose.
They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.
I’ve just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman.
It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging.
It took me ages to get her husband’s voice right.
My girlfriend’s parents are very religious.
The first time I was at their house, her Dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together.
It was a bit of a shame – he was very attractive.
Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up…
If you’re not in prison.
What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women wild?
A $100 bill.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest kids?
Ask your mom.
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
Once you open it, you realize it’s half-empty.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a willy?
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
Trampolines used to be called “Jumpolines”…
Until your Mom jumped on one back in the ’70s.
How do you make your wife scream while making love?
Call her and tell her about it.
A redneck finds out one day that his girlfriend is still a virgin.
When he finds out, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without saying a word.
Later, he’s at the bar with his buddies and they ask him what went wrong.
He explains, “If she ain’t good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain’t good enough for me!”
If I was addicted to masturbation and then I became addicted to sex, would it be right to say my addiction got out of hand?
A Mom finds some BDSM magazines beneath her son’s bed.
She calls her husband up to the room, shows him, and asks, “What do you think we should do?”
The Dad frowns and says, “Well, I suppose spanking him is out of the question.”
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
“Son, I’ve found a condom in your room.”
“Gee thanks, Grandpa!”
“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”
“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”
Funny Knock Knock Jokes For Adults
Ben Dover and I’ll give you a big surprise!
May I come in?
May I come in who?
Not till we have a serious discussion about birth control.
Nicholas girls shouldn’t climb trees.
Do you want two CDs?
Do you want two CDs who?
Do you want to CDs nutz?
Iguana touch your butt.
Amanda lay you, and then your lonely nights are over!
Waiter I get my hands on you.
Ice cream. Ice cream who?
Ice cream for you all night long.
My right nut.
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?
You eat your poo?! Gross!
Help madam finger is stuck in the door.
Ivanna Seymour who?
Ivanna Seymour Butts.
Not your wife.
Urine secure, don’t know what for.
Dozer the biggest breasts I’ve ever seen.
Funny Halloween Jokes For Adults
Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the boos.
Why don’t vampires strike at retirement homes?
Because everyone’s on blood thinners.
What health insurance do Halloween monsters use?
Why do we carve pumpkins at Halloween?
Because they have less blood and aren’t as messy as animals.
Why wouldn’t the barman get the ghost a drink?
Because they didn’t serve spirits.
I’m not saying my son is ugly…
But on Halloween he went to tell the neighbors to turn down their TV and they gave him some candy.
What do you give a pumpkin who can’t quit smoking?
A pumpkin patch.
Why do witches make great wives?
Because they promise a wonderful hex life.
Why did the headless horseman start his own business?
To get ahead in life.
Funny Clean Jokes For Adults
My wife called me and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I was a little concerned as I answered, “No.”
She said, “How about now?”
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
The owner of a drug store walked into his store one day, only to notice a man leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner went over to his staff member behind the counter and asked them, “What’s wrong with that guy over there by the wall?”
The staff member replied, “Oh him – he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find any cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative instead.”
The owner shouted, “You fool! What were you thinking? You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The staff member said, “Of course I can. Look at him, he’s not coughed once since I gave it to him – he’s too scared!”
Funny Jokes For Adults
If you enjoyed this collection of funny jokes for adults, why not browse the rest of our site for lots more really funny jokes, such as our chastity belt jokes and our funny text jokes for adults, as well as these: