With the ever-increasing popularity of mobile phones and their associated apps, every joker needs some short, sharp funny SMS text jokes these days.
And here at LaffGaff we always like to provide you with all your laughter needs, so here’s a collection of the best quick jokes to text. Share them with your friends!
39 Best Quick Text Jokes
You’ll never guess who I bumped into on my way to the opticians. Everyone.
I had a ploughman’s lunch today. He wasn’t very happy.
Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
What concert only costs 45 cents? 50 Cent and Nickleback.
There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can’t.
Always remember – you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
Two blondes walk into a building… You’d think one of them would have seen it.
What’s the best thing about babies? Making them.
Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Why don’t lobsters like sharing? Because they’re shellfish.
What animal do you look like when you get in the bath? A little bear.
Just think – half the people you know are below average.
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If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
I’m a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I’m perfect.
Two nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them.
The first nun has a stroke. The second nun tried but she couldn’t reach.
Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
I never make mistakes… I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
I always say no to alcohol. It just doesn’t listen.
What’s the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding? One less drunk.
What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it, man.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
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What do wooden whales eat? Plankton.
What do quantum whales eat? Planck-ton.
A guy knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Did you know the Pentagon was originally going to just be a square but the contractor kept cutting corners?
Never argue with a fool. They’ll lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers here.” A time traveller walks into a bar.
So a baby seal walks into a club…
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
What did the digital clock say to it’s mom? Look ma! No hands!
Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, “Damn, I forgot to feed the dog.”
Sleep is my drug…. my bed is my dealer…. and my alarm clock is the police.
Why are pirates called pirates? ‘Cause they arrr!
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested.
If you jogged backwards would you gain weight?
Crime doesn’t pay… Does that mean my job is a crime?