January won’t be dry when you read these funny January jokes and puns because there’ll be floods of tears of laughter!
Funny January Jokes
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It’s my New Year’s resolution.
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.
Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th…
Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you fools.
I’m starting a new business tomorrow.
It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year.
I’m calling it, “Resolutions.”
When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated.
She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, “Oh, don’t worry honey, this is just my New Year’s resolution.”
You shouldn’t kiss someone on January 1st.
It’s the first date.
I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Year’s resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.
My feet have never looked better.
It’s January 2nd and the First Officer on a cruiser is looking at the Captain’s Log from the previous day.
He sees “January 1st: First Officer Simpkins arrived on the bridge drunk today” and he says to the captain, “Sir, I feel this log entry is a little unfair. True, I did see the New Year in with an extra tot, but nothing out of the ordinary for the occasion, and I was well capable of carrying out my duties. A log entry like this could hurt my chances of career advancement”.
The captain says, “First Officer, the log entry is factually correct. If the facts aren’t as you’d like them, they should have been different facts, and the consequences are on your own head.”
The First Officer falls silent and carries on with his duties. At the end of his watch he is relieved by the Captain, and before leaving the bridge he makes the following entry: “January 2nd: Captain Frobisher arrived on the bridge sober today.”
Her: “When’s your birthday?”
Me: “January first.”
Her: “What year?”
Me: “Every year.”
Student: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: It’s may.
Student: No, it’s January.
How many seconds are in a year?
12! January second, February second, March second…
You can say what you want, but dry January is quite a success in Australia.
It will be 20 years since I last had a drink on the 5th of January.
I drink on all of the other days.
My wife’s panties are labelled ‘Monday’, ‘Tuesday’, ‘Wednesday’ …
My underwear is labelled ‘January’, February’, ‘March’…
On a cold January morning a funeral was being held for a man who passed away.
After the service the pallbearers are caryring the coffin out of the church.
As they walk down the steps, one man slips and loses his grip on the casket causing the others to lose their grips.
The coffin goes sliding down then steps, into the road and down a hill.
At the bottom of the hill it crashes through the front window of a local pharmacy and goes crashing through the whole store and slams into the counter in the back.
As soon as it hits the coffin opens and the dead guy sits up.
The pharmacist asks, “How can i help you?”
The dead guy says, “You you got anything to stop this coffin?”
Dry January is going really well.
Even if everyone keeps saying that I need to shower.
What’s the first month of the year in Transyvania?
How was the snow globe feeling in January?
A little shaken.