“Blondes have more fun”, “Gentlemen prefer blondes”… Stereotypes like these are no doubt responsible for the creation of funny blonde jokes by non-blondes in retaliation for their perceived advantages.
Whatever the reason, no offence is intended by the selection of the best dumb blonde jokes below (if you happen to be blonde, substitute the word brunette for blonde in the jokes, then they’re no longer funny blonde jokes – they’re funny brunette jokes!).
Dumb Blonde Jokes
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert one time.
They’d just about given up hope of making it out alive when they found a lamp and rubbed it.
Funnily enough, a genie popped out and said they could each have one wish which would come true.
The redhead wished to be back home and poof! She was back home.
The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.
The blonde said, “Awwww, I wish my friends were here.”
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver, “Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?”
The bus driver shakes his head and says, “No, I’m sorry.”
Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles and asks, “Will it take ME?”
A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“That’s impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony then she pushes her knee and screams again, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”
She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.”
“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”
A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.
The motorist scuffles around in her purse and can’t find it. She says to the cop, “I must have left it at home officer.”
The cop says, “Well, do you have any kind of identification?” The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.
She looks at it and says to the cop, “All I have is this picture of myself.”
The cop says, “Let me see it, then.”
So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, “Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have even pulled you over. You can go now.”
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, “It’s dark in here isn’t it?”
The other replied, “I don’t know, I can’t see.”
This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker was working.
She stuck her head out and said, “Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes…”
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I’d like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I’d like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied again.
The blonde didn’t understand how the salesman had recognized her but she was still mad and wanted to get her bargain. This time, she went home and got a haircut and new color, a new outfit, big sunglasses and a big hat. She then waited a few days before she went back and went to the same salesman.
“I’d like to buy this TV,” she said.
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied yet again.
Frustrated, she shouted, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”
“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.
A guy got home from work one evening and found his blonde girlfriend painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin:
“For best results, put on two coats”.
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
He says to her, “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods and says, “I tell you, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” asks the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replies the blonde.
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she tells a correction officer, “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!”
The officer laughs, saying, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell all day!”
The blonde says, “Rubbish! He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months!”
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking … and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away … Florida or the moon?”
The other blonde turns and says “Hellooooooo, can you see Florida …?”
How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?
There are bullet holes in the mirror.
A Blonde was down on her luck and desperately in debt so in her desperation to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground and grabbed a child who was on his own. She took him behind a tree and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.
She then wrote a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the oak tree next to the slide on the south side of the playground. Signed, Blonde.”
The Blonde then taped the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the oak tree.
The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.
Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. “Awww, look at the dead birdie,” she says sadly.
The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, “Where? Where?”
Two blondes get back to the parking lot only to find they’ve lost the car keys. The first blonde spends ages trying to unlock the car door with a coat hanger before saying, “I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!”
The second blonde replies, “Well you better hurry up. It’s starting to rain and the top is down!”
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
“Do you have any kids?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied. “I have one child that’s just under two.”
She said, “I might be blonde, but I know how many one is.”
A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.
One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blonde guy turned to his wife and angrily said, “All right, who’s the other father?”
A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket. A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she’s in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat.
The blond simply replies, “No”.
Shocked and confused, the hostess insists once more that she move, but the blond refuses again.
The hostess leaves to go get help from other attendants. Multiple women try their luck at explaining to the blond that she’s in the wrong seat, but none prevail.
Eventually, they seek the help of the Captain.
“She’s blonde, you say?” asks the Captain.
The hostesses nod.
“Shouldn’t be an issue, my wife is blonde,” says the Captain.
He gets up and approaches the woman as the hostesses watch from a distance. After a few seconds the blond quickly gathers her things and heads back to her seat.
The Captain returns to the hostesses. Amazed, they ask him how he did it.
“It’s simple, really” he says, “I just told her first class wasn’t flying to Detroit”
A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 o’clock news.A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump.
He did jump though, so the blonde offered the redhead $50. The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.”
But the blonde insisted saying, “No. A bet’s a bet.”
Then the redhead said, “Listen, I feel bad and have own up and tell you that I saw this on the 5 o’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”
The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I didn’t think he’d jump again!”
A blonde says to a brunette, “What does IDK stand for?”.
The brunette replied, “I don’t know.”
The blonde said “Oh my God, nobody does!”
A British Airways employee took a call from a blonde asking the question, “How long is the flight from London to New York?”
“Um, just a minute…” he said.
Then, as he turned to check the exact flight time, he heard the blonde say, “Thank you,” as the phone went dead.
A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, “Don’t waste your time on that one. She’s a lesbian.”
The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, “So which part of Lesbia are you from?”
A blonde and a brunette jump from a skyscraper.
The brunette lands first. Why?
The blonde got lost on the way.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He then takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then let’s put all these Corn Flakes back in the box.”
A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. “Can I help you?” he asked.
The woman replied, “I dropped my diamond ring and I’m looking for it.”
The cop asked, “Did you drop it right here?”
“No,” responded the blonde, “I dropped it about a block away, but the light’s better here.”
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is angry, she opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells “No, honey, don’t do it.”
The blonde replies “Shut up, you’re next.”
How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex?
She opens the car door.
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: “Do you want to hear a funny blonde joke?”
The big woman replies: “Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I’m blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I’m a professional athlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 220 pounds and is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blonde who is 6’5″, weighs 245 pounds, and she is a current professional kick-boxer. Now, do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?”
The guy thinks about it a second and says: “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”
A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked her if she wanted her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
“Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”
A blonde is tired of hearing blonde jokes at work, so one evening she goes home and memorizes all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, a guy starts telling a dumb blonde joke. The blonde interrupts him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals.”
One of the guys says, “I don’t believe you, prove it. What is the capital of Nevada?”
“N,” replies the blonde.
Q: Why can’t a blonde dial 911?
A: She can’t find the eleven.
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?
She thought it was diet coke.
A blonde colors her hair red and moves to the countryside. One day she meets a farmer and challenges him, “If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free.”
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she’s stuffing the animal into the trunk of her car, the farmer says, “If I can guess your real hair color, can I get my pig back?”
A rich blonde buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all.
After trying to drive the car at night for a week without any luck, she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.
The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.
So he turns to the blonde and asks, “Ma’am, are you sure you are using the right gears?”
Full of anger, the blonde replies, “How on earth you could ask such a question!? I’m not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night.”
A blonde gets a phone call in work one day, after which she breaks down in tears.
Her boss asks, “What’s wrong?”
She says, “My mom died.”
He told her to go home, but she said, “No, I’ll be fine.”
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again.
He asks here, “What’s wrong?”
She replies, “I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!”
80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?”
A blonde NERVOUSLY works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, “What is 15 plus 15?”
After 15 or 20 seconds thought she says, “Eighteen!”
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”
The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.”
So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?”
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, “Ninety?”
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, “Ok! Ok! Just one more chance. What is 2 plus 2?”
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?”
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”