Carpet Jokes And Puns

They didn’t deserve to be swept under the carpet, so we hoovered up all these funny carpet jokes and puns just for you! Tread carefully to ensure you don’t laugh too much!

Header image for a page of funny carpet jokes and puns.

Funny Carpet Jokes

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet.

But only for like 20 seconds.

I got home from work yesterday and someone had stolen all my bits of carpet and mats.

Police think it was the work of rug addicts.

This bloke knocked on my door and said, “Can I come into your house and talk about vacuuming your carpets?”

I am sure he was a Jehoover’s Witness.

My friend doesn’t like to talk about her dry skin.

She’d rather just sweep it under the carpet.

My girlfriend told me my tendency to take everything literally has led to her walking on eggshells around me.

I told her that’s terrible for the carpet.

I hired a Polish cleaner to help around the house.

The first day it took them 4 hours to clean the front room carpet.

It turns out she was a slo-vak.

My son said he either wanted a car or a pet for his birthday.

So I sat him down in the living room and told him he could get both.

Then I showed him the carpet.

I got a new carpet today.

He’s called Henry, he’s a spider, and he lives in the glove compartment.

I told the builder I didn’t want carpeted steps.

He gave me a blank stair.

I got a new mouse mat today.

I hope he uses it and stops leaving little footprints all over the carpet.

I got 20% off at the local carpet shop.

I’m going to have to buy a big rug to cover that bit.

An Egyptian pharaoh hired me to lay flooring at a tomb he was building.

He said it wouldn’t pay well at first but as I worked my way to the top I would reap the benefits.

It wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme.

But it was multi level carpeting.

The first five florists I called from the phone book knew nothing about carpet or tile.

And suddenly, I’m the idiot.

Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.

Apparently he’s been using performance enhancing rugs.

I got up at dawn to make a rug out of old blue jeans.

Carpet denim!

What does a Mexican have under his carpet?

Underlay underlay.

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner.”

“Go away,” said the old lady. “I’m broke and haven’t got any money!” She proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

“Don’t be too hasty!” He said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum does not remove all traces of manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “Well let me get you a fork, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”

What’s a carpet’s favorite sport?

Rugby.

What did the carpet say to the floor?

I’ve got you covered.

I got fired from my job at a carpet shop.

Apparently asking customers “Fancy a shag?” is inappropriate???

My wife said she was leaving me because, “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework.”

Selfish woman…

It took me hours to mop that carpet.

Why did the carpet have no friends?

People just walked all over him.

My cat was sick on the carpet.

I don’t think it’s feline well.

What does Marty McFly skate on that also cleans his carpet?

A hoover board.

What is an automobile’s favorite pet?

Carpet.

Would you like to know how they make carpet?

First they dig a really big and really deep hole.

Then they drive a car into it.

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok.

I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of.

As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to the store to buy cleaning supplies.

I tried at least five different types, and scrubbed for at least half an hour but the stain was still there.

Does anybody have any good methods for getting blood out of the carpet?

They say that a dog is man’s best friend.

But I don’t have enemies that stare me directly in the eye whilst pooping on my carpet.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room.

The bear isn’t dead, it’s just afraid to move.

Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

I wanted to make my own carpets.

But I’m not rugged enough.

A friend of mine is a carpet fitter.

Walter Wall.

A man who has just finished installing a carpet into a house decides to have a smoke.

He reaches into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes, but it isn’t there.

He looks at the room he has just carpeted and sees a lump under the carpet.

“I’m not tearing up the carpet I just laid out for a dumb pack of cigarettes,” thinks the man.

So he goes to the lump in the carpet and squishes the lump flat.

Then he goes outside and sees his pack of cigarettes on the hood of his truck.

While the man is smoking, the woman who owns the house arrives home.

“Did you finish carpeting my house?” she asks.

“I certainly did!” replies the man.

So the woman enters the house and looks around.

When she comes back, she tells the man, “You did a great job on the carpeting! And by the way, did you happen to notice my hamster? He seems to have escaped from his cage again.”

I just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.

Her boyfriend would’ve helped, but he’s out of town.

My carpet got into a fight.

Ended up getting floored.

A man went into a carpet store and said, “I need a rug.”

The sales assistant said, “Why so gloomy, pal? Are you going to wrap a body in it, eh?”

“I need two rugs.”

I sold my old carpet cleaner today.

It was only gathering dust.

Recently my rug got destroyed due to multiple explosions.

I guess you could call it a carpet bombing.

Why was the carpet lying around?

It was feeling a bit ruggish.

Neutering an animal makes it infertile.

Making its hide into carpet squares makes it fur tile.

An Arab was shaking a carpet out of the window.

A guy saw him from below and asked, “What’s wrong with it? Won’t it start?”

Jokes About Carpet

If you enjoyed these puns and jokes about carpet, be sure to take a look at the rest of LaffGaff where we have lots more funny jokes, including these: