We thought we’d take a break from our normal gags and bring you these funny vacation jokes and puns instead! We hope you enjoy your visit!
Funny Vacation Jokes
Where do crayons go for vacation?
I told my suitcases we weren’t going on vacation.
Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
This is going to be the first year that I haven’t taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it’s due to lack of money.
A woman is on vacation and calls home.
She asks her husband, “How’s my cat doing?”
The husband says, “The cat’s dead.”
The woman’s upset and says, “Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t get her down.”
“Okay, I’m sorry,” says the husband, “I’ll remember that.”
The woman says, “Anyway, how’s my mother doing?”
The husband says, “Your mother’s on the roof and we can’t get her down.”
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels.
She wants to come with me.
Where do beekeepers stay on vacation?
Air bee and bee.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart.
I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
What did the llama say before his vacation?
This is the first year I’m not taking a vacation to Hawaii due to Covid.
Normally I don’t go because I can’t afford it.
Why did Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde hate going on vacation?
Because they had to pack, man.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says…
“It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”
The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”
The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?”
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?”
The woman replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
While on vacation in Spain with my wife I started to feel funny.
I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath.
I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse.
As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.
It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack.
I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away.
Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators.
She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel.
The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved.
I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day.
I went back to the hotel to thank this woman.
I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!”
She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas on vacation.
After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window.
“What are you doing that for?”, the others exclaim.
“Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I’m going on vacation and I don’t want to see any corn for a couple weeks.”
The Georgian replies, “you know what? You’re right; I’m sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don’t know why I brought them with me.” He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out.
The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car’s oil-pressure light is on.
He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.
He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.
He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.
He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.
Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.”
“No, no,” the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, “It’s just ice cream.”
A German tourist visits Poland.
Guy at the airport: Nationality?
German dude: German.
Guy at the airport: Occupation?
German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation.
A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.
While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.
The people there told him, “Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it’s going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.”
The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.
When in the USA, his wife came up to him and said, “I really love what you just did for my mom. That proves me that you actually loved my mother and you respected her.”
The man replied, “Babe, are you crazy?! Those Israelis are the same people who buried Jesus and three days later he came back to life. I’m not about to take that risk with your mother.”
My wife told me vacation sex was the best.
Worst postcard ever.
Four people go on vacation together.
One of them speaks English, another speaks French, the third speaks Spanish , and the last speaks German.
They see a crowd gathering in the street and go over to see what’s going on.
There is a performer in the middle of the crowd.
He notices that the four are struggling to see him so he stands on a box.
He asks them, “Can you guys see me all right?”
And they reply in turn, “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja”.
When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn’t see a single ninja.
God decides he’d like to take a vacation. So he goes to St. Peter at the pearly gates and asks,
“Pete, I need a vacation, being God is stressful. Where should I go?”
St. Peter says, “Well Pluto has good skiing.”
God shakes his head fervently and replies, “No way, I broke my leg there once.”
Next, St. Peter suggests Jupiter – “There’s an eons-long storm that could be fun.”
God says, “No way, I almost got struck by lightning there last time.”
So then, St. Peter suggests Earth – “You can do just about anything there.”
God fires back, “No chance, Pete. I went there 2000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish chick and they’re still talking about it!”
I was fishing on vacation in Florida, when I ran out of bait.
I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
It was the snake… with two more frogs.