Paint Jokes And Puns

We’ve canvassed around and brought you this colorful mix of funny paint jokes and puns! Don’t brush them off – they’re sure to brighten up your day!

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Funny Paint Jokes

So the painters finish painting my home and they hand me the bill.

I notice that by the paint it says $0.

I say, “You guys did such a good job, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at me and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

What’s red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

I bought this lovely impressionist painting of some flowers, but as soon as I got home, the cat scratched it.

All I’m left with now is a clawed Monet.

No-one understands me when I say I like to paint peas in a cage.

I don’t know what’s so hard about it.

I’m a trapped peas artist.

Why did the little girl paint spots on the staircase?

She was a step-dotter.

I went to my doctor and said, “Doctor, I keep thinking that I’m covered all over in gold paint!”

The doctor replied, “It looks like you may have a deep rooted gilt complex.”

Did you hear about the paint catapult that won the competition?

It won with flying colors.

My friend claims that he can make the best red paint you’ve ever seen out of raw beef.

He thinks it’s great, but it’s only meaty ochre.

Yesterday, I painted half of my face like a clown and went for a drive.

I don’t think anyone saw the funny side.

I was at the paint store the other day and after the guy put my paint on the counter he asks, “Do you wanna box for that?”

I replied, “No but I’ll wrestle you for it.”

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away.

He’s a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other.

Then, a few days later, a package arrives.

It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting.

He has no idea what to do with them.

After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser.

Not too long later the appraiser calls him: “I’ve finished my analysis, and I’ve got some good news. There’s no doubt at all that what you have is a genuine Van Gogh and a genuine Stradivarius.”

The man is ecstatic: “I can sell these for millions!”

The appraiser says “Well, you can sell them, and they’ll fetch some money for their novelty value. But not millions. You see, the truth is, Stradivarius wasn’t much of a painter… and Van Gogh made lousy violins.”

I told my wife she’s been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.

She looked surprised.

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch” he said. “How much will you charge me?”

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”

“That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?” he responded.

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.”

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already??” the startled husband asked.

“Yes,” the blonde replied, “And I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

“Thank you,” the blonde said, “And, by the way, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.

He’s a pickup artist.

How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

Why do Swedish war ships have barcodes painted in the side?

So when they come in they can Scandinavian.

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery.

An art critic approaches him: “Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?”

“Sure.”

“It’s pretty much worthless.”

“I don’t mind, you can tell me anyway.”

Having invented a time machine I’m going to do the art world a favor.

I’m going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I’m tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

EDIT: … Ok, so I’m making another trip.

My artistic friend paints the most realistic fish, and I asked him what his secret was.

He said, “It must be drawn to scale.”

Why did the snail paint an S on his car?

So when he sped past people they would say, “Look at that S car go!”

A teacher asks her class to use the word ‘contagious’.

Teacher’s pet gets up and says, “Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious.”

“Well done, Roland,” says the teacher, “Can anyone else try?”

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, “My grandma says there’s a bug going round, and it’s contagious.”

“Well done, Katie,” says the teacher. “Anyone else?”

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, “Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my Dad says it will take the contagious.”

The Kansas police found a large number of dead crows on the 135 outside of Witchita today.

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by vehicles.

The investigators then hired an ornithological behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus vehicle kills.

The ornithological behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Bike”.

There was a collision at sea between two tankers, one carrying blue paint, one carrying red paint.

There were no casualties but a number of crewmen were marooned.

Two men were contracted to paint a small community church.

Being very frugal, they pinched and scraped to spend the absolute minimum on materials.

Then, when they were only partway through the job, they determined that they did not, after all, have enough paint to complete the job.

Not wishing to spend any more money if they didn’t absolutely have to, they decided they would just dilute the water-based paint they were using so that it would last longer.

They did this a couple more times before they finished, which caused striping on the church as the paint got lighter each time it was thinned.

The painters had just about gotten to the top of the steeple, when, all of a sudden, the sky darkened, and the rain started to pour down.

As the paint streamed down the sides of the church, a voice boomed from the heavens: “Repaint, you thinners! Repaint, and thin no more!”

An artist talks to his curator about his recent sales

Artist: “So? Did I sell anything?”

Curator: “You won’t believe this: a man came by and asked if the value of the paintings will rise after the artist’s death. I told him that I think so. So he bought the entire gallery.”

Artist: “Wow! That’s great! who was he?”

Curator: “It was your doctor.”

Did you hear about the new paint called “blonde” paint?

It’s not very bright but it spreads easily.

I was on acid and I actually tasted colors.

Tasted a lot like paint.

A man knocks on his neighbor’s door:

“Hi. I noticed you painted your bedroom last month and since we have a similar house, I thought I’d ask you how many cans of paint you bought.”

“Sure thing! We bought seven cans.”

“Awesome, thanks!”

A few days later, the man knocks on his neighbor’s door again, looking a bit ticked.

“Hello again, what’s up?”

“Well, the other day, you told me you bought seven cans of paint for your bedroom, right?”

“Right”

“Well, the whole room is painted and we have three cans left.”

“Oh, you too?”

If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it “Auto-Correct”.

Then I’d paint the floor with those red squiggly lines.

When is paint free?

When it’s on the house.

My dad and I were painting a wall when he started saying, “2, 3, 5, 7.”

“What?”

“I’m just thinking about priming.”

I was at the museum and saw a painting of a bowl, with milk and some kind of food inside.

It was surreal.

I spent months convincing my wife that I was going to paint our bedroom white.

In the end I just painted it red.

It was all a rouge.

My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.

To be honest, I just winged it.

I painted my dad’s envelopes black…

So when he sends them they’ll be blackmail.

“But painting a giant mural is going to cost us lots of money in the short term!”

“Well, you’ve just got to think about the big picture!”

Why was the painter sprinting down the street?

Because his paint was running.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed our hilarious jokes and puns about paint, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these: