Funny Puns

I thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic.

But it was a false Salaam.

Why don’t the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other?

Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.

What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor?

An optical Aleutian.

What do you call a detective electrician?

Sherlock Ohms.

What’s it called when you kill chickpeas?

Hummuside.

After being holed up in the house due to Covid-19, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

Why did Chewbacca crash the Millennium Falcon the first time he flew it?

It was a Wookie mistake.

I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps.

He gave me a blank stair.

What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble 07.

Jack: How’s it going?

Beans: Pretty good.

Jack and the beans talk.

I’m allergic to bread but eat it anyway.

I’m a gluten for punishment.

What do you call a bearded vase maker?

Hairy potter.

Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?

Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.

What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?

Thank you for your cervix.

My friend told me that beer would make him smarter.

But I don’t think that anything would make my Budweiser.

Not many people know that almost all garden gnomes have red hats.

It’s a little gnome fact.

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought to myself, “The streets are strangely desserted tonight.”

I just sat on the sharp corner of my hardcover copy of Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.

Now I’ve got a Bronte sore ass.

English puns make me feel numb.

But math puns make me feel number.

Bad puns are how eye roll.

While most puns make me feel numb…

Math puns make me feel number.

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.

Pun in, 10 dead.

I love eye jokes.

The cornea the better.

Why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?

Swarm.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

I went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”

I had terrible internet connection on my farm till I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable WiFi.

What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife?

Nothing, he’s Gladiator.

Mountains aren’t just funny.

They’re hill areas.

I stopped ironing my clothes.

I have less pressing concerns.

What does garlic do when it gets hot?

It takes its cloves off.

In high school some kids told me they’d give me $20 to hang out with them.

Turns out it was just clique bait.

I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.

My doctor says I’ve got selfie steam issues.

I bought a new shrub trimmer today…

It’s cutting hedge technology.

With great reflexes…

Comes great response ability.

How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

On a plane.