Arabic Greeting

I thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic.

But it was a false Salaam.

Jedi Greeting

Why don’t the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other?

Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.

Weird Nightmare

After being holed up in the house due to Covid-19, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

Karl Marx

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

Chewbacca Crash

Why did Chewbacca crash the Millennium Falcon the first time he flew it?

It was a Wookie mistake.

Carpeted Steps

I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps.

He gave me a blank stair.

James Bond Bath

What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble 07.

Talking Beans

Jack: How’s it going?

Beans: Pretty good.

Jack and the beans talk.

Bread Allergy

I’m allergic to bread but eat it anyway.

I’m a gluten for punishment.

Scared Joker

Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?

Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.

Military Births

What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?

Thank you for your cervix.

Smart Beer

My friend told me that beer would make him smarter.

But I don’t think that anything would make my Budweiser.

Garden Gnomes

Not many people know that almost all garden gnomes have red hats.

It’s a little gnome fact.

Road Walker

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought to myself, “The streets are strangely desserted tonight.”

Jane Eyre Book

I just sat on the sharp corner of my hardcover copy of Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.

Now I’ve got a Bronte sore ass.

Feeling Numb

English puns make me feel numb.

But math puns make me feel number.

Bad Puns

Bad puns are how eye roll.

Most Puns

While most puns make me feel numb…

Math puns make me feel number.

Pun Entry

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.

Pun in, 10 dead.

Eye Jokes

I love eye jokes.

The cornea the better.

Winter Bees

Why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?

Swarm.

Where Did You Get It?

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Worst Case Ever!

I went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”

Wifi Connection

I had terrible internet connection on my farm till I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable WiFi.

I’m Spartacus!

What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife?

Nothing, he’s Gladiator.

Stopped Ironing

I stopped ironing my clothes.

I have less pressing concerns.

Hot Garlic

What does garlic do when it gets hot?

It takes its cloves off.

Click Bait

In high school some kids told me they’d give me $20 to hang out with them.

Turns out it was just clique bait.

Chicken Dating

I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

Self Esteem

I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.

My doctor says I’ve got selfie steam issues.

Cutting Edge

I bought a new shrub trimmer today…

It’s cutting hedge technology.

Great Reflexes

With great reflexes…

Comes great response ability.

In The Air

Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was on a flight?

I guess you can say the baby was airborne.

Happiness

Where is happiness made?

At the satisfactory.