Grant Aid

My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

Anteater

An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Can I get you a drink?” “Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”

“How about something to eat?”

“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”

“What about some peanuts?”

“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”

Frustrated, the bartender cries, “What’s with the long no’s!?”

Fish Lovers

My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”

I said, “Cats. Cats love fish.”

Octopus Laugh

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

Ten Bucks

A guy walks into a bar with 10 bucks and asks what he can get.

The bartender says, “You can get those darn deer outta my bar!”

Fitness Routine

I’m working on a fitness routine for insects.

It’s going well, but I’m still trying to work out the bugs.

Fortune Teller

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I’d suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

Praying Mantis

Praying mantises don’t all follow the same religion.

They’re in sects.

Large Bum

What do you call an ox with a large bum?

Big buttocks.

Strange Dinosaur

What do you call a dinosaur who is easy to clean, heat resistant and long lasting?

Py-rex.

Half Man Half Horse

What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?

The centaur of attention.

Park Eviction

I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height.

They didn’t like my critter sizing.

Communist Cat

I think my cat might be a communist

He won’t shut up about Mao.

Dog’s Dinner

My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.”

I was home in 5 minutes.

I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

Giant Fly

A giant fly has attacked the local police.

Police have called in a SWAT team.

Noah’s Ark

One day God calls down to Noah and says, “Noah my old buddy, I want you to make me a new ark.”

Noah replies, “No problem God, my old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you’re the boss!”

But God interrupts, “Ah, but there’s a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other.”

“20 decks!”, shouts Noah. “Well, Okay Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?”

“Yep, that’s right, well… sort of right… this time I want you to fill it up with fish,” God answers.

“Fish?” queries Noah.

“Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling carp!”

Noah looks to the skies. “Okay God, let me get this right, You want a new ark?”

“Yeah.”

“With 20 decks, one on top of the other?”

“Yeah.”

“And you want it full of carp?”

“Check.”

“But why?” asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.

“Dunno,” says God, “I just fancied a multi-storey carp ark.”

Duck Eggs

I stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

Eye Surgery

A guy just finishes his Lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery.

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells him, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog.”

Cockroaches

Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, so she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.

Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.

Some Pets

I asked my dad, “Can we get some pets?”

He said, “No, pets are just a step backwards.”

Ugly Dog Contest

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

Guide Dogs

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They’re pretty hungry, so they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says “NO DOGS ALLOWED”.

The man with the doberman says “I know what to do, just follow my lead.” He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs here.” The man says “Oh, you don’t understand. I’m blind and this is my guide dog.”

“A doberman for a guide dog?” The waiter asks, skeptical.

“Yes.” The man replies. “Dobermans are very loyal. They’re easy to train and protective too. They’re born for the job.”

The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table.

The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs here.” The man says “Oh, you don’t understand. I’m blind and this is my guide dog.”

“A chihuahua for a guide dog?” The waiter asks.

“A chihuahua?” The man asks. “They gave me a chihuahua?!”

Himalayan Friend

My friend from Nepal has a cow that refuses to stand up.

I always see Himalayan there.

Newly Qualified

As a newly qualified veterinarian, I’m now permitted to treat animals.

Tonight, I took a herd of cows out for drinks.

Alpaca Pandemic

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

Horse Riding

To ride a horse or not to ride a horse.

That is equestrian.

Song Lyrics

What bird never knows the lyrics to a song?

A hummingbird!

Rocket-Powered Deer

When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.

Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.

Mixed Up Monkeys

What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up?

An orangatangle.

Dog Minder

If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs…

I’d have a pound.

Two Crows

My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.

The police arrested him for attempted murder.

Cat Ladies

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws.

One Thousand Bees

News just in: Local police have acquired 1,000 bees.

They’re believed to be used as part of a sting operation.

Rabbit Mistake

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says, “I think I might be a type O.”