Grant Aid
My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.
He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.
Animal Jokes
There’s a huge variety of animals in the world, which is great news for laughter lovers because it means there’s also a huge number of funny animal jokes and puns too!
And we consider it our duty here at LaffGaff to devote ourselves to gathering them all together for you.
So we hope you enjoy this menagerie of funny animal jokes.
Best Animal Jokes
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for his check.
Duck billed platypus.
What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?
Let us spray.
A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
A fly feels a bug on its back and asks, “Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?”
“I mite be,” giggles the mite.
“That’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard,” the fly groans.
“What do you expect?” asks the mite. “I came up with it on the fly.”
What’s the fastest way to massacre snails?
A salt rifle.
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?”
The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog doesn’t bite.”
The man then tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
“Ouch,” says the man, “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!”
The shopkeeper replies, “That’s not my dog!”
Two mice are chewing on a film roll.
The first one says, “I liked the book better.”
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day.
From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.
As he’s about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, “Mmm… That was some good lion meat!”
The lion screeches to a halt and says, “Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can” and then runs away.
Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes that he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return.
So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll get him together”.
So the monkey climbs on the lion’s back and they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more.
But then he gets another idea and shouts, “Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, “You have a drink named Steve?”
How do electric eels taste?
Shocking.
Why are leopards no good at playing hide and seek?
Because they’re always spotted.
Why do crabs never share?
Because they’re shellfish.
A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs.
So he rings the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found.
She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”
The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”
A fly feels a bug on its back and asks, “Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?”
“I mite be,” giggles the mite.
“That’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard,” the fly groans.
“What do you expect?” asks the mite. “I came up with it on the fly.”
My wife and I were talking about people owning strange animals and she said, “I’ve always wanted to get a manatee.”
I said, “Thank you very much, I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please.”
What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?
Let us spray.
Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can’t survive a slap from a newspaper.
That shows how toxic the media is.
How much does a dragon weigh?
Depends on the scales.
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter and says to the barman, “Have you seen my brother?”
The barman says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”
What do you call a hippo without a butt?
A hippo-bottomless.
My wife said, “Did you know butterflies only live for one day?”
I said, “That’s a myth.”
She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”
It only costs 1c to get into our local aquarium, so long as you’re camping or dressed as a dolphin.
To all in tents and porpoises, it’s free.
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves one day and the wolves chased them into a thicket where they hid.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, “Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?”
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says, “What an interesting pet. What’s his name?”
“Tiny” the man replies.
The bartender says, “What an odd name. Why do you call him Tiny?”
“Because he’s my newt.”
Animal Jokes Collections
Below are links to all our pages of hilarious animal jokes and puns. Have fun exploring them!
Bear Jokes
There’s nothing unbearable about this hilarious collection of funny bear buffoonery! They’re worthy of a round of app-paws!
Bee Jokes
We’ve been a hive of activity gathering them together, so make a beeline for these funny bee wisecracks!
Bird Jokes
We definitely didn’t wing it as far as these funny bird laughs are concerned! They’re eggs-actly what you’re looking for!
Chicken Jokes
We’ve hen-thusiastically laid out all our favorite chicken jokes in this eggs-cellent collection!
Crocodile & Alligator Jokes
Here’s a snappy collection of funny crocodile & alligator jokes and puns! Definitely no crocks here!
Fishing & Fish Jokes
We think you’ll fall for these funny fishing & fish jokes hook, line and sinker.
Giraffe Jokes
We’re going to stick our necks out and say these are the funniest giraffe puns and jokes!
Kangaroo Jokes
If you wallaby a comedian, then you’d better hop to it and study these funny kangaroo jokes!
Anteater
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Can I get you a drink?” “Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”
“How about something to eat?”
“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”
“What about some peanuts?”
“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”
Frustrated, the bartender cries, “What’s with the long no’s!?”
Swimming Elephants
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
Fish Lovers
My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”
I said, “Cats. Cats love fish.”
Mauled By A Lion
What do you call a French guy being mauled by a lion?
Claude.
Octopus Laugh
How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?
Ten tickles.
Of course it only has 8 of those.
So the first two were test-tickles!
Ten Bucks
A guy walks into a bar with 10 bucks and asks what he can get.
The bartender says, “You can get those darn deer outta my bar!”
Exploding Pandas
What do exploding pandas eat?
BamBOOM!
Fitness Routine
I’m working on a fitness routine for insects.
It’s going well, but I’m still trying to work out the bugs.
Fortune Teller
A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I’d suffer terrible heartbreak.
So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.
Praying Mantis
Praying mantises don’t all follow the same religion.
They’re in sects.
Large Bum
What do you call an ox with a large bum?
Big buttocks.
Strange Dinosaur
What do you call a dinosaur who is easy to clean, heat resistant and long lasting?
Py-rex.
Half Man Half Horse
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
Park Eviction
I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn’t like my critter sizing.
Communist Cat
I think my cat might be a communist
He won’t shut up about Mao.
Dog’s Dinner
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.”
I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
Snake Measurements
Why are snakes measured in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Giant Fly
A giant fly has attacked the local police.
Police have called in a SWAT team.
Noah’s Ark
One day God calls down to Noah and says, “Noah my old buddy, I want you to make me a new ark.”
Noah replies, “No problem God, my old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you’re the boss!”
But God interrupts, “Ah, but there’s a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other.”
“20 decks!”, shouts Noah. “Well, Okay Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?”
“Yep, that’s right, well… sort of right… this time I want you to fill it up with fish,” God answers.
“Fish?” queries Noah.
“Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling carp!”
Noah looks to the skies. “Okay God, let me get this right, You want a new ark?”
“Yeah.”
“With 20 decks, one on top of the other?”
“Yeah.”
“And you want it full of carp?”
“Check.”
“But why?” asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
“Dunno,” says God, “I just fancied a multi-storey carp ark.”
Duck Eggs
I stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Eye Surgery
A guy just finishes his Lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery.
The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”
The surgeon tells him, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog.”
Cockroaches
Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, so she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.
Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.
Some Pets
I asked my dad, “Can we get some pets?”
He said, “No, pets are just a step backwards.”
Ugly Dog Contest
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Guide Dogs
Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.
They’re pretty hungry, so they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says “NO DOGS ALLOWED”.
The man with the doberman says “I know what to do, just follow my lead.” He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.
The waiter tells him “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs here.” The man says “Oh, you don’t understand. I’m blind and this is my guide dog.”
“A doberman for a guide dog?” The waiter asks, skeptical.
“Yes.” The man replies. “Dobermans are very loyal. They’re easy to train and protective too. They’re born for the job.”
The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table.
The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in.
The waiter tells him “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs here.” The man says “Oh, you don’t understand. I’m blind and this is my guide dog.”
“A chihuahua for a guide dog?” The waiter asks.
“A chihuahua?” The man asks. “They gave me a chihuahua?!”
Himalayan Friend
My friend from Nepal has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
Newly Qualified
As a newly qualified veterinarian, I’m now permitted to treat animals.
Tonight, I took a herd of cows out for drinks.
Annoyed Lobster
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean.
Alpaca Pandemic
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.
Global chaos ensues.
The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
Horse Riding
To ride a horse or not to ride a horse.
That is equestrian.
Song Lyrics
What bird never knows the lyrics to a song?
A hummingbird!
Rocket-Powered Deer
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
Mixed Up Monkeys
What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up?
An orangatangle.
Dog Minder
If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs…
I’d have a pound.
Two Crows
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The police arrested him for attempted murder.
High Fish
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
Cat Ladies
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
One Thousand Bees
News just in: Local police have acquired 1,000 bees.
They’re believed to be used as part of a sting operation.
Rabbit Mistake
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, “I think I might be a type O.”
