These funny centipede jokes and puns certainly won’t run out of legs when it comes to making you laugh! There’s hundreds of them for you to enjoy!
Funny Centipede Jokes
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
What goes 99 clunk, 99 clunk?
A centipede with a peg leg.
What do you call a pig mixed with a centipede?
Bacon and scrambled legs.
Did you know centipedes have a faster top speed than humans.
They run at 100 feet a second.
Why don’t centipedes go out to eat?
They can’t foot the bill.
What do you call a guard with 100 legs?
What’s a centipede’s favorite ZZ Top song?
Why do centipedes live so long?
It takes them awhile to reach their last legs.
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner, “I want to buy a pet, but I don’t want a boring or normal pet – no cats, dogs, or birds – I want something different.”
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede.
“Really?,” the main replied, “How much?”
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50.
Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, “Hello Mr. Centipede, do you fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?”
The centipede says nothing.
Figuring it must be tired from the journey, he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later he opens the match box and says, “Hello Mr. Centipede, do you fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?”
The centipede again says nothing.
Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn’t talk, he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says, “Hello Mr. Centipede, do you fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?”
The centipede says, “I heard you the first time!!! I’m putting my shoes on!”
What do you call a hundred centipedes?
What do you get when cross a parrot with a centipede?
A walkie talkie.
At a shoe shop, a teenage centipede said to his Mum, “Remember, Mum, no shoelaces, please…”
What do you get when you cross a centipede and a turkey?
Drumsticks for everyone.
An ant, a spider, and a centipede are holding a party.
The ant realizes that they are running low on beer so he offers to head out to buy some more beers.
The centipede says, “No, let me do it. You’d take too long. I have a lot more legs than you – I can do it faster!”
The bugs agree.
10 minutes pass…
Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more.
The spider asks, “What’s taking him so long?”
The ant decides to head out to investigate.
He opens the front door and sees the centipede outside.
The ant asks, “Hey man, what’s taking you so long?”
The centipede replies, “I’m still putting on my shoes.”
God has almost finished creation:
God: So how many animals do I have left to make?
God: And how many legs do I have left?
Angel: One hundred.
What can you jump over that’s a hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
What’s worse than a centipede with sore feet?
A giraffe with a sore throat.
Why are centipedes so dangerous?
Because they are well armed.
How many meters was the longest centipede ever?
I don’t know, but it must’ve been about 100 feet.
What is a centipedes’s favorite Beatle song?
I Want to Hold Your Hand, Hand, Hand, Hand…
Why are centipedes so inclined to not spend money?
They don’t like to spend an arm and a leg and a leg and a leg and a leg…
Why is the centipede always late for school?
Because she has to wear socks.
I caught a centipede.
99 more and I’ll have a dollarpede.
Today I saw a giant, massive centipede.
It was 100 feet long.
At San Francisco’s airport last Tuesday, customs officials confiscated 20 giant centipedes.
They said, “There’s just not enough leg room in the airplane”.
Centipede under the Christmas tree!
What has 50 legs but can’t walk?
Half a centipede.
Jokes About Centipedes
If you enjoyed these hilarious puns and jokes about centipedes be sure to take a look around the rest of LaffGaff, where we have lots more funny jokes, such as these: