We thought we’d spruce things up a bit with these funny Christmas tree jokes and puns! To be fir, your face is sure to light up with laughter when you read them!
Funny Christmas Tree Jokes
What do you call a Christmas Tree that knows Kung Fu?
I recently became a Buddhist but I still celebrate Christmas.
So when December comes around I sit under the Christmas tree, wrap myself in wrapping paper and live in the present.
What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
My epileptic son loves our new Christmas tree.
You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.
A guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree.
The shop attendant asked him, “Are you going to put that tree up yourself?”
The guy replied, “Don’t be disgusting! I’m going to put it in the living room!”
What does a Christmas tree and a monk have in common?
They both have ornamental balls.
My Christmas tree was very happy when I removed the decorations from it.
It was absolutely de-lighted.
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were gone, heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had finished the cider and the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the liquor bottle, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa stomped to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
My cat has been nibbling on the Christmas tree.
Now she’s coughing up fir balls.
These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.
The first blonde said, “I don’t care how long it takes us, I want a perfect tree.”
The other two blondes agreed saying, “We won’t leave until we find the right one.”
Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and hungry friends and said, “I promise the next tree we come across we’ll chop it down and take it home and I won’t care if it’s decorated for Christmas or not.”
A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks.
“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriates his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”
Three men die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates they’re greeted by Saint Peter.
Saint Peter: “I will let you into heaven if you can show me something that represents the spirit of Christmas.”
The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says, “This represents the Christmas tree.”
He is allowed into heaven.
The second man pulls out his keys: “These represent bells.”
He is allowed into heaven.
The third man pulls out a pair of women’s underwear.
Saint Peter: “Good Lord, what do those represent?!”
The third man says, “Oh well these, these are Carol’s.”
What’s the similarity between a man who’s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree?
The balls are just for show.
What do millennials and Christmas Trees have in common?
They used to thrive, but now they’re dead inside.
I walked into the store the other day, and immediately noticed the girl working there. She was conventionally attractive and had really big breasts. I mean, really big.
I was just there to browse around, but I couldn’t help myself. Something made me go over to this girl, and I nervously asked,
“Excuse me, sorry if I’m being rude, but… are those real or fake?”
Strangely, she didn’t seem surprised at all, she just smiled and said,
“You know, I get asked that a lot. You’re probably the fifth today.”
“Really? Well, that’s a relief. I thought it might have a strange question. It’s just… I know they’re probably fake, they just look so real!”
“They do, don’t they?”
“And so big!”
“Well, you can get them in all sizes. But I like a bit of fullness.”
“I agree. If you’re already doing it, may as well go all the way!”
“That’s right! They’re not cheap, and you’ll only do it once in your life anyway.”
“Yes! But really, even standing this close I can’t tell they’re not real. This is amazing!”
“Well, I see them every day, but even I am fascinated sometimes!”
“Good to hear, because I always thought it was kind of cheap.”
“I mean, normally you can tell it’s plastic from a mile away, but this time I had to get really close before I could tell.”
“Like I said, you’re not the first. I’ve had lots of guys here today who just stand there and stare. But I know what they’re thinking.”
“OK, well… do you think I could… this may sound weird, but can I touch them? Just to check how they feel?”
“Sure, go ahead, touch all you want!”
I gently stroked my hand over them, squeezed a little, and closed my eyes to imagine the real thing. I couldn’t tell the difference.
“Wow, they even feel real!”
“I’ve always been opposed, thinking it was just rubbish.”
“Well, they’ve come a long way. But you get what you pay for.”
“Still though, I’m not 100% convinced…”
“I used to think the same, but since I made the investment last year I haven’t regretted once.”
“But what about the smell?”
“Of course, you don’t get the same smell, but on the other hand they’re more allergy friendly. Plus you don’t have to deal with creepy crawlers.”
“Oh, I didn’t think of that. Well, you got me. I’m going for fake!”
And that’s how I bought my first plastic Christmas tree…
A father was decorating the Christmas tree with his son.
The boy says: “Dad can’t we use tinsel like everyone else? This is really uncomfortable.”
Why did the Christmas tree get thrown in prison?
Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
Because the present’s beneath them.
During Christmas time, a little kid runs to the kitchen and screams: “Mom! The Christmas tree is burning!”
The mother replies: “You don’t say it’s burning, you say it’s shining.”
After few minutes the little kid returns and screams: “Now the curtain is shining, too!”
Every Valentine’s Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They keep dropping their needles.
Christmas trees always bring me down with their negativity.
They’re always just pining away.
I can’t believe people are letting fireworks off in October!
It’s scared the dog so badly he’s knocked the Christmas tree over.
What’s the difference between a Christmas tree and a man?
A Christmas tree will stay up for weeks, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on.
What do you call an ornament on a Christmas tree that is all by itself?
The Decoration of Independence.
Today I learned the reason Santa supposedly enters through the chimney is because that’s traditionally how you were supposed to bring the Christmas tree inside.
They decided to change it though because it was a pine in the ash.
What is our 44th President’s favorite Christmas song?
Barackin’ Around the Christmas Tree.
My Christmas Tree has been through several wars, I can only place ornaments on the top of it now.
It is very highly decorated.
I didn’t mean to get all sappy, but..
I did just take the Christmas tree out to the curb.
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, “I don’t want to pay for it.”
But the son kept begging.
Unable to bear his son’s whining any longer , he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree.
“How did you cut it down so fast?” his son asks.
“I didn’t cut it down,” the father replies.
“I got it at a tree lot.”
“Then why did you bring an axe?”
“Because I didn’t want to pay.”
Warning: be careful of your Christmas trees…
You might get tinsel-itus.
What do you call a unicorn in a Christmas tree?
The whole Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a bit.
My cat kept trying to climb my Christmas tree so I put aluminum around the base of the tree.
Her plans have been foiled.
Why were there no fighting games under the Christmas tree?
They got Tekken.
What happens if you remove Christmas trees?
Then there are only Christmas two’s left.
What do you call a Christmas tree without any decorations?
Jokes About Christmas Trees
If you liked these puns and jokes about Christmas trees, check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, including these: