Crab Jokes

It would be shellfish of us not to share these funny crab jokes and puns with you! After all, they’re crab-tivating so you’re sure to like them!

Header image for a page of funny crab jokes and puns.

Funny Crab Jokes And Crab Puns

What is the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with a boob job?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

Why don’t crabs give to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

I asked the waiter, “Do you serve crabs here?”

He said, “Take a seat. We serve everybody.”

It’s ironic how my aunt died given that her zodiac sign is cancer.

She was killed by a giant crab.

If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?

The crust station.

How do crabs evade taxes?

They set up shell corporations.

How do crabs get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.

What do you call a crab that throws things?

A lobster.

Why did the crab cross the road?

He didn’t. He used the sidewalk.

Where do crabs and lobsters park their public transport vehicles?

At the bustacean.

My dad told me to never trust crabs.

They’re shellfish.

Why does the ocean roar?

You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.

Why don’t healthy dyslexic people eat bread?

Too many crabs.

Why are the Jedi against dissolving crustaceans in acid?

Only a Sith deals in crab solutes.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

“We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the troopers.

“Tell me! Did you find her?” Wilkens exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”

The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay.”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”

The trooper replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”

A huge crab walks into a bar and says to the barman, “I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted.”

The barman looks at the crab and says, “Why the big clause?”

What’s it called when a crab is walking to it’s part time job?

A side hustle.

Scientists have discovered that crabs hear through their legs.

They said they yelled at a crab and it ran away.

Then they cut off its legs and yelled at it again. And this time the crab didn’t run away.

Once upon a time, in the undersea kingdom, there lived a fish princess. This fish princess had fallen in love with a peasant crab.

When her father, the fish king, found out about their affair he forbade her to ever see the peasant crab again.

When she asked him why, he replied, “No daughter of mine will consort with a lowly sideways-walking crab!”

Devastated, but with no other choice, the fish princess went to her crab and delivered the news.

“My father says we can’t be together,” she told him. “He says you’re a lowly side-walker, and that I’m forbidden to see you.”

The crab, crushed by the news, turned and sadly walked away – sideways, of course.

That night there was a gala ball at the fish palace. All the nobility of the undersea kingdom was there in attendance including, of course, the fish king and princess.

Then, at the very height of festivities, the doors to the ballroom suddenly burst open… and there was the crab.

The entire room burst into excited whispers, all the attendees having heard the rumor of the princess’ affair with a side-walking commoner.

To their surprise, however, before their very eyes, the crab took one step forward… then another step forward… and another… walking forward down the red carpet toward the king on his throne.

As the crab approached the king the room went silent in anticipation. The crab looked the king square in the eye… opened his mouth… and slurred, “I am soooooo super drunk right now.”

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

The lawyer advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

More Funny Jokes

If you liked our funny crab jokes and crab puns, check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny animal jokes and other laughter pages such as these: