These hilarious cockroach jokes and puns certainly won’t bug you! In fact, you’ll probably scream with laughter!
Funny Cockroach Jokes
1. Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, so she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.
Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.
2. Me: Hello, Arnold? T-800, I need your help.
Arnold: I’m not a terminator anymore, I’m retired.
Me: But my house is filled with cockroaches & rats, please help!!!
Arnold: How’s that my concern?
Me: If you’re retired, doesn’t that make you an exterminator?
3. Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can’t survive a slap from a newspaper.
That shows how toxic the media is.
4. Did you know cockroaches hear through their legs?
If you pick one up and yell, “Run!” at it and then put it down, it’ll run away.
But if you take it’s legs off and yell, “Run!”, it’ll just sit there.
5. Two cockroaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
“I was in that new restaurant across the street,” said the first cockroach. “It’s so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere. It’s so sanitary that the whole place shines.”
“Please,” said the other roach frowning. “Not while I’m eating!”
6. I heard a knock at the door this morning, and when I answered it, a 6ft tall cockroach-looking thing was standing there, clearly very angry.
He swore at me and then punched me right in the face!
Apparently there’s a nasty bug going around.
7. I saw five cockroaches marching across my basement floor today.
I grabbed my shoe and started hitting them with the sole.
I killed four, but one escaped and hid.
It was the sole survivor.
8. A Hungarian cockroach is telling terrible jokes at an open mic night. What do you do?
Budapest.
9. A man walks into an insect shop and asks for several bags of cockroaches.
“What are you using all the cockroaches for?” the cashier asks.
“Well…” the man said, “I’m moving today and the landlord asked that I leave his property the same way I found it.”
9. A husband and wife are dining in a hotel:
Husband: I wanna tell you something.
Wife: It’s not good manners to talk while eating…
(After Eating) Wife: Now tell me.
Husband: There was a cockroach in your food!
10. How did the cockroaches react to nuclear bombings?
They had a blast.
11. In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means the US will still have a functioning government.
12. Arnold Schwarzenegger never has problems with mice, rats or cockroaches.
He’s an ex-Terminator.
13. What’s a cockroaches favorite place to vacation?
Budapest.
14. My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the cockroaches hang themselves.
15. Everybody is a gangsta until …
A cockroach walks in and starts flying.
16. What did the hotel keeper tell the guest who was complaining about cockroaches?
“It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.”
17. A family of cockroaches has been traveling up and down the Vegas strip for several months.
Their time was spent visiting the many hotels and resorts that Vegas has to offer.
They only stayed at each hotel for a few weeks before moving on, because they didnt want to attract the attention of exterminators.
However, by the third month of this nomadic lifestyle, the parent roaches started disagreeing on what their next move was.
The mother cockroach said to papa roach, “Well honey, I really don’t think we should keep moving! Traveling this much isn’t good for the kids! How do you think they feel, having to switch roach schools every few weeks?”
Papa roach said, “Ok, this is my last resort.”
18. A starving man walks into a busy diner.
He sees one empty seat near the counter and quickly sits down.
The man next to him is passed out and looks sickly, but there is a steaming bowl of oatmeal sitting next to him, untouched.
After 10 minutes no one has even brought the man water, let alone taken his order, so he sneakily slides the bowl of oatmeal towards him and begins eating ravenously.
After only a couple minutes, he nears the bottom of the bowl, and notices a giant dead cockroach at the bottom.
Disgusted, he spews all of the oatmeal back into the bowl and onto the counter.
Just then, the sickly man next to him wakes up.
“Oh, yea… you saw the cockroach, too?”
19. How many cockroaches does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows. Once it turns on they all scatter.
20. I’ve been trying to quit drinking coffee because I found out they’re using caffeine as an insecticide now.
They’re spraying it over the crops in Texas to kill the bugs.
I said, “I’m putting that in my body every day?”
Just to test it out, the other night in my apartment, I took a cup of coffee and poured it all along the floorboards of my kitchen.
Not only did it leave the roaches alive, they kept me up all night talking.
Jokes About Cockroaches
If you liked these funny puns and jokes about cockroaches, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:
