Baseball Jokes And Puns

We’ve hit a home run with these funny baseball jokes and puns, so make a short stop and enjoy them! They’re strikingly amusing!

Header image for a page of funny baseball jokes and puns.

Best Baseball Puns

You know where the Bible mentions baseball?

In the big inning.

Chewbacca just started playing baseball.

He won Wookie of the Year.

My son lost a youth baseball game because of heavy rain.

He received a precipitation trophy.

People say I’m too aggressive when I’m trading baseball cards.

It’s because I’m Ruthless.

When should baseball players wear armor?

When they’re playing knight games.

What do you get when you cross a tree with a baseball player?

Babe Root.

Have you ever seen a line drive?

No, but I have seen a baseball park.

I heard a joke about baseball.

It left me in pitches.

Where do baseball players keep their mitts when they drive?

In the glove compartment.

Why couldn’t the baseball player make his mind up?

Because he was on defense.

If the pope became a baseball player, where would he live?

The Batican.

Baseball Dad Jokes

I heard the Kool Aid man is starting a baseball team.

He’s the pitcher.

I was wondering, why is that baseball getting bigger?

Then it hit me!

Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?

If he raised them both, he’d fall down.

Why do baseball players shout?

Because they’re ALL IN CAPS!

The ten largest baseball stadiums hold between 46,000 – 56,000 people.

Just some ballpark figures for you.

Why do criminals play baseball?

They can hit, run and steal.

How long did the baseball player spend in the library?

Five minutes. It was a short stop.

How do baseball players keep in touch?

They touch base every once in a while.

Did you hear about the opera singer who threw the game-opening baseball?

They say he had perfect pitch.

Do you know the reason all the bat boys in major league baseball are replaced when they turn 18?

Because otherwise you’d have to call him Batman.

What’s the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot’s father?

One’s a pop fly. The other’s a fly pop.

A baseball came through my window today.

It really hit home.

Why did the sausage quit playing baseball?

Because he was the wurst on his team.

What’s a baseball player’s least favorite Star Wars movie?

The Umpire Strikes Back.

Which baseball player loved fireplaces?

Mickey Mantle.

What has 18 legs and catches flies?

A baseball team.

Why did the baseball side have a ghost on their team?

To add a little team spirit.

What would you get if you crossed a pitcher and the Invisible Man?

Pitching like no one has ever seen.

Why don’t baseball players join unions?

Because they don’t like to be called out on strikes.

Baseball Jokes For Kids

How is baseball like a pancake?

They both need a good batter!

What type of baseball player gives out all the water?

The pitcher.

What did the baseball glove say to the ball?

Catch ya later!

What kind of animal is best at hitting baseballs?

A bat.

Why are vampires lousy at baseball?

Because their bats always fly away.

Why is a baseball stadium always cold?

Because it’s full of fans.

Why are frogs good outfielders?

Because they’re good at catching flies.

Where do catchers sit at lunch?

Behind the plate.

What are the rules for zebra baseball?

Three stripes and you’re out.

What goes all the way around a baseball field but never moves?

The fence.

Which baseball player makes flapjacks?

The batter.

What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?

A fly swatter.

Why are some baselball umpires fat?

They always clean their plate.

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and an umpire?

One steals watches and one watches steals.

What do baseball players eat on?

Home plates.

Why did the baseball player refuse to run around the bases after he hit the ball out of the park?

He was home sick.

Why did the police officer go to the baseball game?

Someone stole second base.

What cartoon character is the best at baseball?

Homer Simpson.

Long Baseball Jokes

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it.

When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look.

When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience.

“What happened?” asked his family.

“Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!” he said. “Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, “Jose, can you see?”

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “My Dad’s outside.”

Man: “OK, how much?”

Boy: “$250”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

Boy: “$750”

Man: “Sold.”

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”

The Dad asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

Boy: “$1,000.”

The Dad says, “That’s terrible to over charge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church, to confession.”

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that again!”

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?”

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal – if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”

Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?”

Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.

“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.

Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in Heaven.”

Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”

Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm.

He announces to everyone in the bar that his dog can talk and he will make a $1,000 bet with anyone who doesn’t believe him.

The bartender saw this as a great opportunity so he took the man up on the wager.

The man looks at the dog and says, “What is the top of a house called?”

The dog said, “Roof.”

Quite annoyed the bartender vented his grief in defeat.

“Well, how ’bout a different word, double or nothing?” the man said.

The bartender begrudgingly accepted as the man asked, “Who was the greatest baseball player ever?”

In a muffled response the dog said, “Ruth.”

Furious, the bartender grabbed the man and the dog and threw them out the bar.

As they landed on the sidewalk, the dog looked at the man with a puzzled look. “DiMaggio?”

Two guys are sitting at the bar watching a baseball game when the batter hits a high pop fly to center field.

The first guy says, “I’ll bet you $50 bucks he drops it.”

Second guy says, “You’re on. That’s an easy play.”

The centerfield proceeds to drop the ball and the second guy sheepishly hands over the $50.

A little while later, the first guy says, “Hey bud. I gotta come clean. This is actually a replay of the game. I saw him drop it earlier.”

The second guy says, “Yeah I know. I saw it too. I thought there was no way he’d drop it twice.”

Baseball One Liner Jokes

Shout out to the guy who just got a third strike in baseball.

The baseball player shut down his website because he wasn’t getting any hits.

Do coal diggers play baseball in the miner leagues?

My pitching style is foul.

Did you hear about the baseball player who was arrested for stealing third base?

Do they have baseball games at night because bats are nocturnal?

Women like baseball because diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

Why do we always sing “Take Me Out To The Ball Game” when we’re already there?

Matches don’t like playing baseball because after only one strike, they’re out.

Baseball players don’t sing and play at the same time because they can’t get a good pitch.

More Short Baseball Jokes

Why don’t orphans play baseball?

They don’t know where home is.

What does a baseball player do when his eyesight starts to fail him?

He takes a job as an umpire.

I once tried to kill a giant mouse with a baseball bat.

Now I have a lifetime ban from Disney World.

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat.

Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that’s probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

God challenges the Devil to a game of baseball.

“How can I lose?” God said. “I have all the best players up here!”

“How can I lose?” Said the Devil. “I have all of the umpires down here.”

Some punk kids threw a baseball through the lower half of my window, and then jumped through an entire other window to get it!

Let me tell you, it was a pane and a half to replace.

What did Jim Carrey say when he wasn’t allowed to have a left handed baseball player on his team?

Allllllllllll righty then!

Doctor: What did you dream about last night?

Patient: Baseball.

Doctor: Don’t you dream about anything else?

Patient: What, and miss my turn at bat?

Where do they keep the largest diamond in NYC?

Yankee Stadium.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed our hilarious puns and jokes about baseball, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes and other fun, such as our baseball riddles and our World Series trivia questions, as well as these:

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