Soccer Jokes

You’re sure to get a real kick out of these funny soccer jokes and puns! That’s because they’re a great match for your sense of humor, so tackle them now!

Header image for a page of funny soccer jokes and puns.

Funny Soccer Jokes And Puns

After my son’s soccer game, the goalkeeper invited him and I for a party afterwards.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

Last weekend I went to see my girlfriend’s soccer match and she did this awesome save.

She’s definitely a keeper!

My son played soccer in the mud all day.

He was a little Messi.

I’m thinking of taking up acting.

Does anyone know of a local soccer league I could join?

I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw.

No 1-1.

Two flies are playing soccer on a plate.

One says to the other, “You’d better pick up your game Louie, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.”

Wife says to her husband: “Choose, either me or the soccer game!”

He responds: “Give me 90 minutes to think.”

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t watch soccer.

If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes, I would take my friends to the bar.

Why do Italians love soccer?

Because halfway through they get to switch sides.

Soccer is a strange game.

It is a bunch of people running away from their goals.

Why is women’s soccer so rare?

It’s hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

I passed by the prison today and they were playing soccer on the field

I shouted, “Pass the ball, I’m free!”

Why did Shakira marry a soccer player?

For his stamina mina eh eh!

Why can’t Cinderella play soccer?

Because she keeps running away from the ball.

Why do dwarves always laugh while playing soccer?

The grass tickles their balls.

A cargo airplane is transporting patients from a mental hospital.

The patients are going all crazy in the cargo playing a soccer with an invisible ball.

The pilot has had enough of it, tells the copilot to guide the plane, and goes in the back to make them stop the noise.

They stop, the pilot returns to the cabin, but after 5 minutes, it starts all over again.

The pilot asks the co-pilot to give it a shot at calming the patients down. The co-pilot goes in the back, the noise stops, and he returns in the cabin.

Half an hour later, the plane is quiet.

The pilot is impressed and asks the copilot how he did it.

The copilot replies, “I told them: soccer is not allowed indoors. You have to take it outside.”

What do a pro soccer player and a great wife have in common?

They both know how to lay down and fake it.

Life is like soccer.

My mom signed me up for it even though I hate it.

My mom told me never date a soccer player.

Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows than the man passes gas and says, “1-0.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”

The old man replies, “It’s fart soccer.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Goal! Tie score!”

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha, I’m ahead 2 to 1!”

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “And she scores again! Tie score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “BinGOAL, I lead 2 to 3.”

Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, “What the hell was that?”

The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”

I don’t play soccer because I like the sport.

I’m just in it for kicks.

“Oh my God,” my wife said, smiling through her tears. “I think our son is kicking.”

I said, “Isn’t that how soccer is supposed to work?”

How did the Jewish soccer player get hurt?

He Torah ligament.

Does anyone here like jokes about soccer?

I get a kick out of them.

Why do soccer players hate shallow pools?

Because there is no diving.

Which philosopher was the best footballer?

Soccerates.

Why are soccer stadiums at risk for burning down?

Because of all the matches.

Why did the soccer coach take his team to Olive garden?

He wanted them to pasta bowl.

Why are soccer stadiums so cool?

Because of all the fans.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed tackling these funny soccer jokes and puns, check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more sports jokes and fun, such as these: