Golf Jokes & Humor

As every golfer knows, golf is a game that can drive you mad (pun intended!), but it also has it’s funny side too. In fact, there are many great golf jokes around. Indeed, you could say that funny golf jokes are par for the course!

Anyway, to celebrate the “good walk spoiled”, as Mark Twain allegedly once put it but is now believed not to be the original source of that quote, here’s a collection of the best golf jokes we could find.

A selection of hilarious golf jokes and humor

21 Of The Best Golf Jokes

It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do.


My wife complained about my obsession with golf.

I asked her if it was driving a wedge between us.


If you think it’s hard to meet people, try picking up the wrong ball on the golf course sometime.


Driving a golf buggy isn’t as easy as it looks.

But I’ve finally got it down to a tee.


A guy came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy neglige.

“Tie me up,” she purred softly, “And you can do anything you want.”

So he tied her up and went golfing.


A rich old man goes for his regular round of golf with his friends but this time he brings along a gorgeous young lady.

“Guys, meet my new fiancĂ©e” he says, full of pride as he introduces her to his pals.

For the rest of the afternoon his friends can’t take their eyes off the stunning beauty.

After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to buy drinks for the group.

One of his friends goes with him and when at the bar asks him, “How on earth did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You’re seventy. She must be at least fourty years younger than you!”

The old rich guy says, “I lied about my age.”

His friend says, “And she believed you? How old did you say you were?”

“I told her I was ninety.”


The only problem with golf is that the slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.


If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, it means he probably shot an eight.


I’m a scratch golfer.

Every time I hit the ball, I scratch my head and wonder where it went.


Police are called to an apartment one day. They arrive to find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks her, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”

“Yes” says the woman.

“And did you hit him with that golf club?”

“Yes, yes, I did,” the woman says as she begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

“How many times did you hit him?”

“I don’t know; put me down for a five.”


Why does a golfer wear two pairs of socks?

In case he gets a whole in one.


I’ve worked out what’s wrong with my golf game.

I’ve been standing too close to the ball… after I hit it.


A husband and wife are playing golf one week.

They’re on the 9th green when the wife suddenly collapses.

“Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.

So the husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes,  then he picks up his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife uses all her strenght to raise her head off the green and stares at him as she gasps, “I’m dying here and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry, dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.

“Oh no time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”


How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb?

FORE!


Two guys were playing golf one day when one of them noticed a funeral procession going by on the road next to the course.

He stopped in mid-swing, closed his eyes and said a short prayer.

The other man was truly moved by this and said “Wow! That was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.”

“Well”, the other man said, “I was married to her for 45 years.”


A man and a woman meet in a bar and fall madly in love. So much so, in fact, that just a week later they decide to get married.

After the ceremony, the guy says to his new bride, “I’ve a confession to make -I’m completely obsessed with golf. I eat, sleep, and breathe it. I hope you don’t hate me for it.”

The woman looks at her new husband and says, “I could never hate you, but I have a confession as well. I’m a hooker”

The man gets a pained look on his face, and after a long pause says, “Well… show me your stance.”


After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”

The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”

The husband says, “I haven’t.”


I’ve invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it gets within 4 inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.


A young woman has been taking golf lessons and decides to play her first round.

She’s just started when she gets stung by a bee.

The pain is so bad she has to go back to the clubhouse.

Her golf pro sees her come into the clubhouse and asks her, “Why are you back so early? What’s the matter?”

She replies, “I was stung by a bee.”

The gold pro says, “Oh no! Where?”

The woman says, “Between the first and second hole.”

The pro nods knowingly and says, “Apparently your stance is too wide.”


A blonde is on the bus when this guy gets on with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sits down next to her.

The confused blonde keeps looking at him and his bulging pockets.

He notices her looking and eventually, after many such glances from her, he says, “It’s golf balls.”

Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look at him for a very long time, appearing to think deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, she can’t contain her curiosity any more and asks, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”


Men at 25 play football.

Men at 40 play tennis.

Men at 60 play golf.

Have you noticed how as you get older your balls get smaller?


More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these funny golf jokes and puns, then check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes and fun too, such as these: