Golf Jokes & Humor

As every golfer knows, golf is a game that can drive you mad (pun intended!), but it also has its funny side too. In fact, there are many hilarious golf jokes and puns around. Indeed, you could say that funny golf jokes are par for the course!

Anyway, to celebrate the “good walk spoiled”, as Mark Twain allegedly once put it (but is now believed not to be the original source of that quote), here’s a collection of the best golf jokes we could find.

A selection of hilarious golf jokes and humor

The Best Golf Jokes

A rich old man goes for his regular round of golf with his friends but this time he brings along a gorgeous young lady.

“Guys, meet my new fiancée” he says, full of pride as he introduces her to his pals.

For the rest of the afternoon his friends can’t take their eyes off the stunning beauty.

After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to buy drinks for the group.

One of his friends goes with him and when at the bar asks him, “How on earth did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You’re seventy. She must be at least fourty years younger than you!”

The old rich guy says, “I lied about my age.”

His friend says, “And she believed you? How old did you say you were?”

“I told her I was ninety.”

Police are called to an apartment one day. They arrive to find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks her, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”

“Yes” says the woman.

“And did you hit him with that golf club?”

“Yes, yes, I did,” the woman says as she begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

“How many times did you hit him?”

“I don’t know; put me down for a five.”

A husband and wife are playing golf one week.

They’re on the 9th green when the wife suddenly collapses.

“Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.

So the husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes,  then he picks up his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife uses all her strenght to raise her head off the green and stares at him as she gasps, “I’m dying here and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry, dear,” says the husband calmly, “They found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.

“Oh no time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

Two guys were playing golf one day when one of them noticed a funeral procession going by on the road next to the course.

He stopped in mid-swing, closed his eyes and said a short prayer.

The other man was truly moved by this and said “Wow! That was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.”

“Well”, the other man said, “I was married to her for 45 years.”

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn’t feeling well then he drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole.

A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said, “What’d you do that for?”

God smiled and said, “Who’s he going to tell?”

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “Would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.”

“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “Would she sleep in our bed?”

“Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.”

“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?”

“Oh, no,” the husband replies. “She’s left-handed!”

Arthur is 75 years old and he’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea.

As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “Your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “But his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, £Did you see the ball?£

£Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” Arthur asks.

“I don’t remember.”

A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen.

They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.

“What’s with that group of players? They’re the worst I’ve ever seen! They’re holding up the course!”

The manger looks sheepish. “They’re retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity.”

The priest looks ashamed of himself. “As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, I’ll see if I can get a collection going for their families.”

The lawyer likewise looks chagrined. “Same here, I’ll check with my firm and see if we can’t open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries.”

The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”

One day a man decided to retire.

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. ” I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, where did you get the tools?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

The guy is stunned.

“Let’s row over to my place,” she says “And I’ll give you a tour.”

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Please sit down. Would you like a drink?”

“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”

“Oh, it’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?”

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.

There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?”

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?”

She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing.

“You mean…” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, “You’ve built a golf course too?”

Hilarious Short Golf Jokes

A guy came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy negligee.

“Tie me up,” she purred softly, “And you can do anything you want.”

So he tied her up and went golfing.

I’ve worked out what’s wrong with my golf game.

I’ve been standing too close to the ball… after I hit it.

After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”

The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”

The husband says, “I haven’t.”

Why are all mini golf players depressed?

They have no drive.

A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today.

Doctors have said that he should be OK but he’s not out of the woods yet.

For years, my family has always taught me that alcohol and golf don’t go well together.

That’s why I don’t drink and drive.

My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me!

I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend’s phone to call her.

She answered: “What’s up, honey?”

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?

Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even Mother Nature can’t hit a 1-iron.

A hacker was playing so badly that his caddie was getting increasingly exasperated.

On the 11th, his ball lay about 160 yards from the green and as he eyed up the shot, he asked his caddie, “Do you think I can get there with a 4-iron?”

“Eventually,” replied the caddie, wearily.

Golf Dad Jokes

My wife complained about my obsession with golf.

I asked her if it was driving a wedge between us.

Driving a golf buggy isn’t as easy as it looks.

But I’ve finally got it down to a tee.

I’m a scratch golfer.

Every time I hit the ball, I scratch my head and wonder where it went.

How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb?

FORE!

Why does a golfer wear two pairs of socks?

In case he gets a whole in one.

What is the only 4 letter word sport that starts with a ‘T’?

Golf.

Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?

He was perfecting his swing.

My wife was hooking our daughter up in her car seat and while I was waiting, I was standing on the front lawn beside the car absent-mindedly swinging a golf club to test my sore shoulder.

My daughter started freaking out because she thought I wasn’t going with them.

My wife told her not to worry, Daddy’s driving.

And I told her, “Actually, it’s a wedge.”

Dad, I need help writing a sentence using the word “irony.”

Try this : I licked a golf club and it tasted irony.

Did you hear about the Mexican that got shot at the golf course?

It was a hole in Juan.

I live just down the road from a mini golf course.

You don’t even need to drive.

A guy threw his golf club into the air.

He got a birdie.

I’ve recently started to learn how to play golf but it’s not going too well.

I still have a fairway to go.

What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?

The bogeyman.

Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?

Clubbing.

Where do ghouls and ghosts play their golf?

On a golf corpse.

Golf One Liners

It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do.

If you think it’s hard to meet people, try picking up the wrong ball on the golf course sometime.

The only problem with golf is that the slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, it means he probably shot an eight.

Golf is the only game where the ball lies poorly and the golfers lie well.

A golf ball is still a golf ball… no matter how you putt it.

A lion would never play golf… but a Tiger Wood.

I’m so bad at golf that I have to go get my ball retriever re-gripped more often than my clubs.

I was trying to come up with the funniest golf jokes but they were all subpar.

When golfers make golf jokes, are they just meta-fores?

I didn’t want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses but I couldn’t ignore the red flags any longer.

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

The only thing that causes more cheating than golf is income taxes.

If you golf on an election day, make sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.

I’m not really that bad at putting, I just can’t catch a break.

I only hit two good balls today and that was when I stood on a rake.

Golf was once a rich man’s sport but now it has millions of poor players.

Dirty Golf Jokes For Adults

A man and a woman meet in a bar and fall madly in love. So much so, in fact, that just a week later they decide to get married.

After the ceremony, the guy says to his new bride, “I’ve a confession to make – I’m completely obsessed with golf. I eat, sleep, and breathe it. I hope you don’t hate me for it.”

The woman looks at her new husband and says, “I could never hate you, but I have a confession as well. I’m a hooker”

The man gets a pained look on his face, and after a long pause says, “Well… show me your stance.”

A young woman has been taking golf lessons and decides to play her first round.

She’s just started when she gets stung by a bee.

The pain is so bad she has to go back to the clubhouse.

Her golf pro sees her come into the clubhouse and asks her, “Why are you back so early? What’s the matter?”

She replies, “I was stung by a bee.”

The gold pro says, “Oh no! Where?”

The woman says, “Between the first and second hole.”

The pro nods knowingly and says, “Apparently your stance is too wide.”

I’ve invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it gets within 4 inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

A blonde is on the bus when this guy gets on with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sits down next to her.

The confused blonde keeps looking at him and his bulging pockets.

He notices her looking and eventually, after many such glances from her, he says, “It’s golf balls.”

Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look at him for a very long time, appearing to think deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, she can’t contain her curiosity any more and asks, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

Men at 25 play football.

Men at 40 play tennis.

Men at 60 play golf.

Have you noticed how as you get older your balls get smaller?

It seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from mini golf in town.

I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.

A husband says to his wife, “The guys at golf were saying that our mailman has slept with every woman on this street except one.”

His wife replies, “I bet it’s that stuck up cow, Angela!”

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”

No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.

Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.”

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”

She’s there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.

They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.

She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.

Only this time, she plays left-handed.

The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They’re totally amazed.

They can’t figure her out.

She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner so they invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.

This time she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.

However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

They have a couple of beers in the clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

The lady blushes, and grins. “When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous. So I like to switch back and forth.”

“When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”

The guys think this is hysterical.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”

She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”

A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout, “FORE!”

He looks this way and that but doesn’t see the ball, until WHACK!

He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his crotch.

“Oh, you poor thing!” a woman cries, running over to assist him.

She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. “Is that better?”

He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, “That seemed to help a lot!”

“Oh, it was wonderful!” he says. “But the ball hit my thumb!”

Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go.

The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?”

The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.

The first guy says, “What’s wrong?”

He says, “One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress.”

The first guy says, “That could be a problem. I’ll go over.”

He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.

The second guy says, “What’s wrong?”

The first guy says, “Small world.”

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay? What’s your name?”

“It’s John, and I’m okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

“John,” she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) “Forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “But I don’t think my wife would like it.”

“Oh, come on now,” Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive and I was weak. “Well okay,” I finally agreed but thought to myself, “My wife won’t like it.”

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d best go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Still under the cart, I guess.”

One day, a cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks.

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their thingy through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”

The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”

The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his thingy through the fence, I grab a hold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”

“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “So what’s in the other sack?”

The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

Jokes About Golf

If you enjoyed these funny puns and jokes about golf, then check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes and fun too, such as these: