30 Clean Jokes That Are Actually Funny

Jokes don’t have to be dirty; clean jokes can be funny too. As LaffGaff is all about funny clean jokes, over time we’ve published thousands of them. And we thought it was time we put together a compilation of some of our favorite ones, so you can enjoy them all in one place.

And so we proudly present our best clean jokes that are actually funny. Enjoy!

Featured image for a page of the best clean jokes from the LaffGaff website.

Funny Clean Jokes

The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

It turns out my customers didn’t like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.

When they ask, “So, what do you do for a living?” I just say, “Oh, you know… stuff.”

My Dad said to me, “Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted.”

I shouted, “You’re kidding! Really?”

He said, “Yes. Get your things together, they’re coming to pick you up in an hour.”

Which Pope smells the nicest?

Pope Pourri.

What is a tree’s least favorite month?


My girlfriend said to me, “I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up.”

I said, “Good idea – we can cover more ground that way.”

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes.

But that’s Heinz sight for you.

Thank you student loans for getting me through college.

I don’t think I can ever repay you.

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

What do you call a genuine friend?

A legiti-mate.

I asked my wife for suggestions for an exercise routine.

She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That’s a big step.”

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-morse code.

Why do cell phones not wear glasses?

Because they have contacts.

I was in a bar the other day when a girl asked me, “What do you do?”

I said, “I race cars.”

She asked, “Do you win many races?”

I said, “No, the cars are much faster.”

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people in Dubai don’t like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.

Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left?

The opposite of right.

My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.

She said she needs space.

What do you call a fictional country?


My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married.

I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

I occasionally enjoy leaning on things.

When I’m so inclined.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?”

The scout leader says, “No, that snake’s not poisonous at all.”

So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

The scout leader says, “But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let’s get it right next time, boys.”

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?


My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him, “My door is always open.”

Not all math puns are bad.

Just sum.

What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?

A fizzician.

I tried to change my password to “14days”.

The computer said it was two week.

I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance.

Unfortunately, she blew it.

What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction?

Wander woman.

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.

I gave her superglue instead.

She’s still not talking to me.

My son asked me what procrastinate means.

I said, “I’ll tell you later.”

What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?


What state do crayons go to for vacation?


I just got fired from my job as a stage designer.

I wasn’t very happy but left without making a scene.

What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?

A shoe.

I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159.

Then it just CLIX.

More Funny Clean Jokes

If you enjoyed this collection of funny clean jokes (and let’s face it, they’d make anyone laugh!), check out the rest of our site for lots more funny jokes, including our funniest jokes and our one liner jokes, as well as these: