Catholic Jokes And Puns

Nun of these Catholic jokes and puns are duds that will make you cross! In fact, they’re the answers to all your laughter prayers! Enjoy them.

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Funny Catholic Jokes

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ Catholic.

Why can’t Catholics travel at light speed?

Because they have mass.

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Nun.

What do you call a Catholic priest who became a lawyer?

A father-in-law.

What do you call a Catholic toaster strudel?

A pope tart.

How do Catholics make holy water?

They boil the hell out of it.

If the pope isn’t a prophet…

Then the Catholic Church must be a non-profit organization.

I narrowly lost a race to a female Catholic.

I was second to nun.

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit takes a look around and says, “I think I’m a typo.”

How do we know that atoms are Catholic?

Because they have mass.

What do you call a pope who is addicted to cats?

Catholic.

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic women chirps, “Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace.'”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence.'”

The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle, “Well…?”

She replies, “My son is a charismatic, 6’2″, hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘My God.'”

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says “Convert to Christianity, and we’ll give you $100.”

The one says to the other, “Should we do it?”

The other says “NO!! Are you crazy?”

The first guy replies “Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars… I’m gonna do it.”

So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out.

The friend asks, “Well, did you get the money?”

He replies, “Oh, that’s all you people think about, isn’t it!?”

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children.

A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria’s funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, “At last, they’re finally together.

” Her sister sitting in the front row said, “Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?

The priest replied, “I mean her legs.”

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. He said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'” and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!,” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend’s suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective.

His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he answered, “When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!”

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven. St. Peter awaits him and asks who he is.

The Pope: “I am the pope.”

St. Peter: “Who? There’s no such name in my book.”

The Pope: “I’m the representative of God on Earth.”

St. Peter: “Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me …”

The Pope: “But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …”

St. Peter: “The Catholic Church … Never heard of it … Wait, I’ll check with the boss.”

St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: “There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth.”

God: “I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait, I’ll ask Jesus.” (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: “Yes father, what’s up?”

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: “Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.”

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.

Jesus: “Remember that fishing club I’ve started 2000 years ago? It still exists!”

My Irish friend decided to tell his community he’s an atheist.

One man in the crowd then yelled, “Yes, but is it the Catholic God you don’t believe in or the Protestant one?”

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship.

The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids.

The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof.

The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque.

The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.

A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak, and finally the drunk replies, “No use knockin’ buddy – there’s no paper in this one either!”

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive.

The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope’s authority.

So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back. They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them.

As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: “Who is in the limo, the mayor?”

The policeman told him: “No, someone more important than the mayor.”

Then the chief asked “Is it the governor?”

The policeman answered: “No, someone more important than the governor.”

The chief finally asked: “Is it the President?”

The policeman answered: “No, someone even more important than the President.”

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: “Now who is more important than the President?!”

The policeman calmly whispered: “I’ll put it to you this way chief. I don’t know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur.”

A drunk man sits down on a subway train next to a Catholic priest.

The man wreaks of stale beer and cigarette smoke, his tie is stained, his shirt filthy, his face plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

The man opens his newspaper and begins reading. After a few minutes the man turns to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest, obviously bothered by man’s foul stench and abhorrent behavior, sternly replies, “My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk man looked up for a second, muttered in response, “Hmm… well, I’ll be damned,” then returned to his paper.

The priest, beginning to think he may have been a bit harsh, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk man answered, “Oh I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

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