Pastor Jokes

We don’t want to preach to the converted but it’s well pastor time you looked at these funny pastor jokes and puns! Read them religiously because they’re the answer to all your laughter prayers!

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Funny Pastor Jokes And Puns

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “I have a praise…

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

(You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)

“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.”

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

(Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

(All the men sighed with unified relief.)

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Tom Smith.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife… the word is sternum.”

Why did the female minister go to bed?

It was pastor bedtime.

Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest.

For I have synonymed.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head “yes” and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head “no” and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy,’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would ask, ‘You wanna sell that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year’.”

Why did the priest bless his milk?

To pastorize it.

I think my daughter has a crush on our pastor.

She talks about him religiously.

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

He took out a business card, wrote ‘Revelation 3:20’ on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, ‘Genesis 3:10..’

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock.’

Genesis 3:10 reads, ‘I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.’

My pastor wasn’t a fan of my new Jesus Rice™.

He said not to take the Lord’s name in grain.

Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.

Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism.

My old pastor was an outspoken advocate for Amazon.

I guess you could say he was a prime minister.

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years.”

St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

You know of holy water. But have you heard of holy milk?

It’s pastorized.

What do you call Pastors in Germany?

German Shepherds.

A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.

Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid but as soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.

“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee.

“Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”

What do you call a pastor who got bailed out?

Christian Bale.

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job. He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says, “Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?”

The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says, “You see that bell up in the tower? If you can ring that for me every day precisely at noon, I will pay you $20 a day. Can you do that for me?”

The no armed man hesitates, but the offer of $20 a day sounds too promising, so he agrees.

Later that day, he makes his way up to the bell tower but alas, cannot pull the rope for obvious reasons.

However, he does not give up. Being a quick thinker, the man takes a stance in front of the bell, and begins repeatedly bashing his face into the bell. Success! the bell rings on the strike of noon, and a slightly dizzy no armed man returns downstairs, where a very confused pastor lives up to his promise and grants him $20.

This process continues for several weeks. Every day at noon, the man would head to the bell tower and bash his face into the solid metal for it to chime, and then the pastor would pay him.

Over time, however, this method began damaging the man’s head, both inside and out. Bruises were always constant, and the pastor began noticing the man would slur his speech, look deranged and have trouble walking in a straight line.

But there were no complaints, and the man, though a bit slower by the day, was still getting paid happily, so it continued.

On one fateful day, however, the man once again staggers up the stairs to reach the bell tower as noon approached.

He took his normal stance, ready to smash his head once again into the giant chiming machine.

However, on this fateful day, he succumbs to the damage, and as he charges at the bell, he staggers so much that he completely misses the target.

His momentum takes him right over the shallow wall of the tower and he plummets to the ground. He is killed instantly.

A crowd of people begin to gather around the no armed man’s body, including a police officer.

A woman looks at the body, horrified, and asks, “Oh my god, does anybody know who this man is?”

The police officer looks at the dead man and replies, “I don’t know him, but his face rings a bell.”

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