These funny bible jokes and puns are made of the rite stuff. Just like Samson, they’re sure to bring the house down.
So we hope you enjoy this collection of funny bible jokes of truly epic proportions. Study them religiously!
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Who was the biggest financial wizard in the Bible?
Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
How does Moses make his coffee?
At Sunday School the children were learning how according to the Bible God created everything, including human beings.
Johnny paid particular attention when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later that week, Johnny’s mother found him lying on his bed as though he were ill, and asked him, “Johnny, what’s the matter?”
Johnny replied, “I’ve got a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
Why did the hawk sit on the church steeple?
Because it was a bird of pray.
What do they call pastors in Germany?
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
When is medicine first mentioned in the Bible?
When God gave Moses two tablets.
“And so, God came forth and proclaimed widescreen is the best.”
Who was the smartest guy in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
Who was the fastest guy in the Bible?
Adam – he was first in the human race.
How do we know Moses wore a wig?
Because sometimes he was with Aaron and sometimes he wasn’t.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Who was the funniest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Why is our justice system based on a book that would be thrown out of court through lack of evidence?
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
What’s a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown him with many crowns.
Which biblical character was the youngest to speak foul language?
Job, because he cursed the day he was born.
Where was Solomon’s Temple located?
On the side of his head.
And Moses looked upon the Lord and said, “We are your chosen people and you want us to cut off the tips of OUR WHAT?!?”
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
The area around the River Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
How do we know Adam was a Baptist?
Only a Baptist could stand next to a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit.
What does God call his nose?
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.
What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
When is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?
When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
When is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
A pastor decided to visit his church members one Saturday.
At one particular house it was clear to the pastor that someone was home, but nobody came to the door.
The pastor knocked and knocked but no-one answered so finally took out his card and wrote on the back:
Revelation 3:20 – “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and dine with him and he with me.”
The next day the same card showed up in the collection plate. Below the pastor’s message was another scripture passage.
Genesis 3:10 – “I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked and I hid myself.”
One day an angel appeared to Adam and said, “I’ve got some great news for you. God is going to create something wonderful for you.”
Adam, intrigued, asked, “Oh, what is it?”
The angel said, “It’s not an ‘it,’ it’s a ‘she.’ God is going to make something called a woman for you.”
Adam, even more intrigued, said, “Tell me more.”
The angel said, “This is going to be fantastic. This woman will be a lot like you physically, only much more beautiful. She will live to serve you at all times. When you are tired, she’ll give you a massage. When you are hungry, she’ll feed you. She’ll come and bow down to you in the morning and when you return from working in the garden in the evening. She’ll live to serve your every pleasure each day.”
“And what’s more,” the angel continued, “she will never argue with you or complain. She won’t nag you or talk back to you either. For every command you give her, she’ll simply reply, ‘yes, Master.’ She’ll clean your house, and tend to your every desire.”
Adam had a sparkle in his eye and said with excitement, “Wow, that sounds amazing. I’d really like to have something like that. But what’s it going to cost me?”
The angel said, “It’s going to cost you your right arm, and a leg.”
Adam thought about it for a while, and then asked, “What can I get for just a rib?”
One day, Jesus and the Devil were having a discussion about who was the best, so God suggested a typing competition to settle the argument.
So God sat them down at a computer each, and told them to type up an article written on a piece of paper. The first to finish the typing would be the winner.
So both Jesus and the Devil started typing away frantically.
Suddenly, there was a power cut and both computers switched off. Their typing work had disappeared from the screens.
When the power was restored, and the computers re-booted, Jesus’s work re-appeared on his screen, but the Devil couldn’t get his back and had lost all his work. So God declared Jesus to be the winner.
The Devil complained bitterly to God saying that it wasn’t fair at all and demanded a rematch, but God said…
“Stop whinging Satan, you know why Jesus got his work back? Everyone knows “JESUS SAVES!”
Bible Jokes & Humor
If you enjoyed our collection of funny bible jokes and puns, be sure to check out our other funny religious jokes, such as these: